"Would like to be your friend"

Our tempers were impulsive, our addictions for the pills outstanding.
The urge to prove each other wrong? Way past our capability.
Our love for one another? Something so toxic that could not-can not be considered LOVE.
So why am I so worked out now that I've found you again after three years?

..I begin to remember, to feel, to hurt, to want, to reACT!
I can shut my eyes from the smile looking back at me and I can picture out by heart and memory where your eyes fall, where your lips meet, where your grin ends.
It's as if you never left,
NEVER left me behind.

Its as if the last three years were automatically forgiven.
One last game of roulette?

Living a double life.
Even I can't hide it anymore

The fruits have gone sour.
Milk cartons have reach expiry dates.
My time with you has clearly ended.

All i have to say is you don't deserve me.

Kelly Clarkson's new album is incredible! Here is my favorite song on off of it.

It hurts me so much to be so aware that I go to sleep with my heart this heavy and my thoughts everywhere.
Couldnt there be a way to silence everything?

The only thing I can think of is, I have more to learn.
Truth be told though, I have never felt such a challenge against myself.

A night out with a good friend.

Yesterday night finally arrived! I went to see Bedouin Soundclash & KOS at The Sound Academy with my friend, Ebonne.

Not only was it a great show, but It was great to have endless things to talk about with her while we sipped on some beers and waited for our bands to play.

I'm a huge Bedouin fan and Ebonne loves KOS (its really an understatement). So it ended up working out for both of us. The look on her face as she sang along to the songs and jammed out was priceless. It was a great experience and I am happy I got to share it with her.

I got to say a few words to the lead singer of Bedouin after the show; It completely made my night!

I cant wait for the next concert. It's a great way to connect with friends you dont see much plus reconnecting with some good inspirational music.

That's all for now <3
until the next one.

Cell.

Could I go back to basics? Have a second chance at no commitment with new faces? No engagement but to the game and what can physically come of this? Because emotions never have made it easy but my lack of self love has made me a target.

I'm a fugitive in the running for a better chance than the sentence i've committed myself to. Living in this part of life this far from you. Watching days become nights without any of you; is a constant reminder of how much I must've fucked up when we could've made up.

But that's the past and I know that shouldn't matter but how do you move forward if you've left behind so many lessons that were suppose to be memorized by now, and how do you forgive yourself and them too for the wasted time, the fights, the hair pulls, and put downs too? How can you let someone new inside of you-even physically when you're so hallow from the base all the way through?

I don't know what love making is anymore. Sex much less too.
The contact of two bodies, chest to chest, some sweet talking you.
Maybe I can give you the last dose, teach me what it is to feel something again?
Without making me look or feel like some sort of fool.

You know i'd be just about anything , if I had anything else to give you.
But I dont.. i'm as hallow as these sheets and in between body parts too.

You're killing my mind tonight;

It doesn't hurt as good as it did.
the pains finding a way in and I don't know where to hide this void anymore.
i miss you terribly.

Break even.

Some days, are easier than others. Other days I find myself wanting to write you letters that have no ending. Letters that explain why I did things the way I did. Apologies possibly between words explaining how I wish it didn't come down to this. I have moments where my chest just aches. I just wanna break down wherever and explode in a rage of tears I fight from time to time. Other days I can walk with my head held high. Happy at the women i'm becoming. Because despite all these mix feelings i'm having with this lesson, I know this is the best for me.

I can write numbers of endless possibilities we could have had, memories we might have created, stories we could have shared.
Some days are easier than others.

...Tonight has been dreadful, sad, lonely.
But tomorrow is a new beginning and i'm ready. Pretty set, that my paint brushes will find space on this used up canvas.

I don't do it for fun of how it looks.
There can be moments where it needs to belong to someone else.
Sometimes it doesn't find vocabulary that can cultivate the amount of breaths and nudges it takes to shake it off. I started by telling a story that I assumed would find its course. But it hasn't. Instead, it took on a language of its own.

Let me in.

maybe we are making love out of something at all.
You've found a way to kill the pain.
He doesn't cross my mind when you're inside of me, I don't hear his voice when your whispering into my ear. Your lips unseal my most beautiful fantasies.
My pulse races along with the movement of your body, your making me open up more than I've ever let a man see.
It almost felt natural. Like i've been reading directions wrong and this is where our pieces meet. It usually doesn't start off this way.

Bittersweet.

You left me no choice.
There really wasn't much to think about.
you didn't benefit me, you definitely didn't compliment me.
You were more of a con artist. Sucking life from me.
Taking all the energy I had for you and using it to rip me in two.
But I now see the light, see the beauty in ruins.

I found a place to hold my head up high, my words can echo and my smile can shine bright. I found a crack between the chaos and see growth from miles away.
And it's moving to say , tonight I know I did my best. My best at this.
and if you sit there laughing at the clown you've used, that's completely fine with me. I have gained a perspective that puts me ahead of you, ahead of backstabbing imbeciles such as you.

Focus .

If that's how it goes, can we turn up the music? have another shot? get so lost in our laughter, take a few more drags, and hold me like your entire existence depends on it?
I now know it's one or the other and I doubt ill be able to stand being the other, again.

How much are you willing to share in order to learn the same truths?

It's interesting to see how much you care about yourself when you begin to care about somebody else.
It brings a new light into your own perception.

A new beat in my heart.

I can't sleep just yet. There's something on my mind.

I had a shitty day to say the least. But this isn't a rant about it. Instead, i'm gonna try something different. Bare with me if it makes no sense. You might have to re-read it a few times.

I got into a few discussions today that really bothered me. But the biggest one of all was with myself. I was determined to not pick at myself today for anything I found wasn't good enough. I found a few easy scenarios where I could of ripped myself apart but instead I did something different: I took care of myself.

I'm going through a lot of changes that have me breaking into tears but instead of sitting with my sorrow and self pity today I altered the mourning process differently. I decided to stop looking at what happened today for at least an hour and did something for me. It was so nice to see how easy it felt once I started to. It didn't even feel fake what so ever.

I don't have it down completely. I'm a beginner at this self love thing. I always pick it up and drop it after a few tries. I might even fail again. But I am learning that when it comes to myself and my well being. Well, I have to think of this moment in time. Tomorrow isn't granted to me.

Ever since I started eating better, taking care of my appearance and my mental health as well; My body feels rewarded. And trust me, it helps on days when you just feel the world crashing down on you. How can you alter your mind set if you're treating the body that holds your spirit so terribly?

Think about it.
It took me way too long to realize it.
<3

Live up to it.

I find it interesting that when a situation unfolds itself in front of me, I really don't know what direction to go into. That is, until it all comes to life through a dream. They say that what you dream of is really your sub conscious mind releasing what it won't allow to accept in your conscious state.

Last night I had a dream that was just way too real and way too self explanatory. Let's just say I wasn't happy at all with myself when I woke up this morning. I understand that i'm going to be releasing these thoughts and ideas in my mind because i am not expressing any of these thoughts in my life. So, I thought to myself: What am I going to do about it?

I've decided to take responsibility for this situation that has expanded in my life. I am responsible for the way I feel and I clearly don't like feeling this way. That being said, I've decided to clean up this dilemma and stand on my own two feet.

I know that it's going to be challenging but I read a quote that I feel I found at a good time. never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.”

I agree.

No matter where we end up in our own lives, how many lovers we attain, the amount of countries and nations we step foot into. I want you to know this and only this; I once lost faith in almost everything around me. Nothing felt comfortable. I was in my prime of survival. To be honest it doesn't have so much to do with how you take me in but really, how something inside of me found a place to allow you in. I found hope that he never destroyed. I just ask... for you to not make me shut it all back down again. I don't know if i could take another losing battle. I am giving this everything i got.

It was just different. At least to me.
No matter who's laws it didn't pass, it was all acceptable in this moment.
Because there hasn't been anything more i've wanted than to feel you this close.
My heart starts racing and I can't help but smile entirely everywhere inside my being.
Something about you brings out the best woman in me.
But something in you also makes me question the woman i am progressing to be.

I, i love you like a love song, baby.

It's become so disgusting to stomach.
As if acid is burning me from the inside out.
I can't digest any of it anymore.

Imprints.

A night without any escape can't keep the demons away.
I'm telling you cause i know.
Because I've tried cold turkey to get it all out of me.
Some how, some way, it finds air holes within these piles of sheets that I've used to create sanctuary.
Even in dreams, he still finds a way inside of me. Inside every little inch of virginity that my body can attempt to protect.
But it's much stronger than me. He's much more stronger than I could ever be.
& I suppose that maybe once more I should just close my eyes, close my heart and let him take anything from me.
Fighting back can hurt just as much too.
Especially times like these traumatic nights.
Nights that will never belong to me.
or to her.
or to who i could have blossomed into.

I think I have a sickness.
I think I like to make a fool out of you.

It's so heavy.
It's all so heavy.
Just feels too real for me to embrace it.
Sits in the pit of my stomach kicking my insides.
Too restless at this point.
I'm exhausted.

You know i'm no good.

junk·ie Noun
1. A drug addict.
2. A person with a compulsive habit or obsessive dependency on something.

..judge away.

Like Crazy.

He doesn't know how broken hearted I can be.
Things like these are difficult for me.
I'm not the "right now" kinda person.
No future, no tries.
I guard my heart with a bullet proof vest and front that sucks the energy out of me.
I'm scared okay? I admit it.
Can ya blame me?
Why would I put my heart on the line when you're already packing your suitcase.
When your planes about to shoot up into the velvet blue sky?
Leave me undiscovered. Let all my imperfections stay in there place.
Don't tamper with this broken heart of mine.
I just don't wanna lose anymore pieces of myself.
Don't want to have to face sleepless nights.
Promise me a future and maybe i'll reconsider.

Rebirth;

Is the motive.
<3

I guess I now know what it is to have really loved and lost.
I don't even talk about it.
I'm not losing my dignity trying to reclaim my treasures.
I have made peace with the fact that they are both gone.
& along with them went a part of me.
Could that explain the numbness?

Im trying to get better at love.
Self love that is.

I need a God that i don't believe in.

I just want to be able to fall asleep with myself again.
It would be nice to be able to sit for coffee alone like i use to.
To look forward to my aspirations with full faith that I could attain them.
I gotta confess; being me hasn't been easy at all lately.
Freedoms been robbed from the blood that flows through my veins.
The same songs are on repeat and i'm absolutely on no routine.
The past is sucking the life of me. My loves are being tampered with.
There's no idea where any of my favorite treasures rest at this very moment in time.
I just wanna stretch my colours, wanna sing as high as I can when the sun begins to sit on a brand new day. I wanna see the entire world and be attached to the sky and beyond.
You see, I've always been a simple girl. But the simple things have left my sight long ago.

I need to work on my defenses.
as in, im too defensive.
relax the fuck down if you know what I mean.
I can't even stand me.

So this is what it could feel like.
It's so special to me. and her, i think she's gonna teach me a lot.
I've never had any responsibility outside of me like this one in a while.
I better not mess up.

What do you say to taking chances?

Can we please just make this last forever?

If you can leave that easily
then I can walk away just as fast.
Watch me.

The tide is high but i'm moving on.

Ahh! :)

I caught myself before I regreted.
That is, for now.
What about the rest of my life?
Oh fuck, and the rest of the names?

unraveling truths.

It's like watching your favorite movie. The one where to lead actress is living the life you want without any expense or sacrifice. When he smiles reliving a moment in another place, another foreign land, another place like no other, it makes me better. His exposure like no other. I've never been close to something so driven. It's incredible how ambitious your dreams can be, where they'll take you, what you'll share. I like sitting here listening to his stories. I enjoy feeling him awake my senses in ways that no other man could have ever done. In a sincere way without wanting anything in return. He inherits traits that I dream of having.
I won't have him for a long time; as he belongs to the world. But nothing has ever been set in stone.

keep coming back for more.

For the first time in a long time,I can shut my eyes peacefully.
Knowing I have been good to myself, the universe, and those I love-even those who have it out for me.
For the first time in a long time, I can stomach my imperfections. I can speak truths that don't hurt, I can begin change without making an excuse to hold me back. I'm not saying I have it all together.I just have a lot more faith in myself than I have in a long time.

But it seems that when i get on this road,
my name gets given away
and I tend to have a few bad apples trying to take me off track again..

heart matters.

With everyone going back to school, I'm a little sad that I am spending five days a week at Cineplex making minimum wage. It kinda makes me want to go back to school and take something else. I'm almost pretty sure that I want to take this flight attendant course (I just have to look into it more). I have been applying to a few jobs in the beauty industry once again. Ever since I quit Body Blitz I didn't really think about what I wanted to do. I guess I became a little too comfortable working at Cineplex. I have been there for over a year and have had the luxury of working with one of my closets friends (and some new cool ones too). I really didn't have a reason to want to find something else, really. I guess now I have an itch for something better. I wouldn't quit Cineplex. However, I would make my focus around my Esthetics job.

Spending this entire long weekend in Toronto while everyone else went away gave me the opportunity to really reflect and figure out what I need to do in order to achieve tons of things I want. I'm starting off with taking care of myself much more than I have in the past. I recently started taking an hour before I go to bed to do all the girly things I use to love doing. I completely understand now why my previous clients love their facials so much. They're so therapeutical and uplifting! I took the time to look up some open groups to join and I have found four so far that look great. I signed up for two for the fall season. One which is a yoga group. I am so stoaked for it. I have yet to select my other group I want to join but I'm sure it's gonna be just as great. I've also begun walking and jogging around the neighborhood. I am not too much of a fan yet but I do tend to feel great once i'm done and I hit the shower. It's a great way to treat my body.

My next goal is to begin scrap booking again. I have everything set on my computer desk but I haven't had the itch to put together something I am proud of. Maybe I just have to get in there and create.

As you can see; there isn't much going on outside of me but there is plenty of change going on within me which I think my focus should be on from time to time. It still feels uneasy to pay this much attention to myself but i'm trying to sit with it.

Oh, and on a last note: I am reading this great book Fonna let me borrow by my favorite Author ; Augusten Burroughs "A Wolf At The Table" I am only on chapter three but so far, I am obsessed! I am not surprised at all. The Author has an amazing, beautiful, twisted way of putting his child hood on paper(memoir writer).

Anyways readers, I had no inspiration to create tonight.
So here's the sum up of my last days of summer.
I am thrilled for fall.

I joined.
I'm going to really try.
I'm not setting up any goals.
I am going to sit and listen and accept.
I'll jot it all down and cry if I must.
but i will not run away anymore.
I'm done running from who I am.

Learn to live half a life.

Peeling Layers.

We laughed, no matter what we laughed together.
We use to also play, a lot.
Adolescence hit us maybe, or the story got so twisted it never was the same.
You and I can't even sit in a room together without somebody ending up walking out.
Does the truth hurt too much to hear now? Or can we not stomach one another?
I remember this one moment in time: tucking sheets within our bunk bed poles, making a fort.
You sneaked snacks from mom's secret cabinet, gave me my favorite flavor of starbursts. I smiled at you and turned the flashlight right into your face. I think you called me a fool for doing that haha. Remember the time you destroyed dads record player and you got away with it? Oh boy, was he upset. What I always remember is the love I had for you. You are about the only thing in my life that is untouched, the only thing they didn't get to. Maybe i'm a little jealous, possibly a little intimidated. I don't understand how I have years on top of you and you still came out brighter. However, I am so overjoyed with love and honor when I see who you are. I just wish you had never let my hand go. You didn't underneath bed sheets when we were seven, you didn't through turns in race car tracks. Not even when I walked you to school.
I had no idea how much blood could call one another.
Mine's been calling your name for some time now.
Can you feel it too?

Dreams-they are my reality.
I don't look forward to anything as much as I do to sleep lately.
I can escape with you. I can have you how I want to. No time line, no restrictions, no past love stories.
Dreams-feed absolutely what I'm missing.
You.

matter over mind.

I'm not sure if something was born tonight or maybe it was there all along waiting to come to life. Waiting to be triggered.
Well, guess what.
The alarm sounded and It came to life.
Quite deep within my veins, infecting parts of my body that I had no idea still had movement.
Somewhere deep within my human self, I found a dark place where I could rip myself a part from the inside out without any pain at all. With no evidence of wounds. A place that can heal itself time after time. Cut after cut. A place where no brain can captivate a memory or a history.
I don't know if I should blame ya
or should I thank ya.

Could ya be more phony?

The minds not busy enough on what matters.
That is why there continues to be space for the unwanted.
Traps set up to hold together bad memories, forgotten faces, and heavy words.
what matters is the intention you had going into situations, acceptance that was sincere, and beliefs that touched many hearts.
It doesn't matter to me anymore whether you bash my name, didn't grant my honors. It doesn't even matter if you got lost in translation and twisted my words. My heart always went in with a good intention, with love and acceptance. The fact that you couldn't see that doesn't fall under my jurisdiction. What you have to say about me behind my back isn't even my business. But a suggestion to the sinner who's just as much of a sinner as myself, who feels entitle to judge me: I'd wash my dirty mouth with soap after the profanity you lash and the hypocritical smile you offer me. I'll pray for you because at this point, you need it more than anybody.

Do you remember how to love?
The most important thing that you could ever love?
Because there sure is enough room for these roots to take a leap.
I am more than sure that cherry blossoms can reproduce, and sun flowers can share the same space too.

"Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way"

Sometimes it's better to not forget.
If I did, i'd let you off too easily from your shame.
You deserve to be reminded of the present agony.

I rose to fame.
As fast as I went up, I came crashing down with a huge thump.
It's safe to say, I'm not cut out for the limelight.
I suppose it's time to go back to basics.
Twisted roots, second hand clothes, Same old song on repeat as yesterday.

Be my hero.

Ready little girl? I'm holding on with you through these tea cup spins, the roller coaster, and ill steer on these bumper cars. I've got you when you scrape your knees, and through broken hearts. I can't promise I won't make mistakes but ill try to remember that we are entitle to imperfect moments. I'll walk you down the aisle, sing sweet words into your ears. I'm gonna try to be there every step of the way.

Critters of the night.

I count the hours until sundown as i watch the sun say goodbye to another day. Something about summer nights that are rapidly turning into fall amuses me. There's this sudden peace that takes over my core.
Stars slowly begin to fill the sky and the moon looks reachable tonight. A warm cup of tea and some scripts are my calling for this bittersweet moment. This moment that has me so mind bottled. I begin wishing on shooting stars and staring at the big dipper in amazement. This is truly too beautiful for me to captivate. Beauty that i am not familiar with lately.
Could it stay like this forever? In this moment where I can take in fully who I am and what everything's become? Where sitting with myself, my emotions, my stories, and my failures isn't as painful? Because something about these summer nights makes my existence a little bit easier. Without the sun, without the noise, without the pressures of everyday routines. But it's not that accessible. For now, i might just have to keep pulling on these drags, and editing these drafts, and keep sipping on earl grey teas. For now, it's all that lets me push through. Until I wait for a better tomorrow.

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high .. .

Sing me the same lullaby.

I've never been so ashamed of hurting like i am.
I have never been so ashamed of admitting that i have learned nothing.
but what makes me so ashamed is to know that you know i am aching and you are willing to watch it as long as i don't slip away from the tips of your fingers.
that, is beyond me.

I'm thinking of starting a project and i have a few ideas.

a fashion blog (for all body types)
a newsletter blog - taking on a world issue and writing a report on it.
and some..

I'm already excited.
I love the brainstorming part.

the end of a bottle- vodka,lithium whatever.
at this point i'd take any end of anything just for all the noise to zone out.

Lows.

she gets me then she doesn't.
i love her but fuck do i hate her at the same time.
he told me to wash away the past and say goodbye to blade imprints and too many tears.
it's a bitterness that can not be tamed from not even the most organic things that surround me. it's safe to say that I've been sneaking out of my bed late at night and gathering up the memories that no longer let me stay asleep.
I just don't know what to do with it all.
Shoe boxes can't hold them anymore.
my hearts become too bait.
Pieces of writing leave too much detail out.

Growing pains.

Wouldn't be lovely if we could all skip the lessons, the "friends" that leave your life, the broken hearts and get to being forty.

Hand in hand with your mate, your glass of wine in hand as you watch your little creations running around, laughing and skipping rope. As you look into the eyes of the youngest one crying because he scrapped his knee as he aimed to leave the training wheels behind. As the middle child tugs your dress to get your attention. As the oldest is telling his father about the soccer try outs and how they've picked him for defense.

I think it would be so lovely to be hand in hand with a balance.
With the things you want for yourself so desperately.

Growing pains, they're more than muscle aches, and getting grounded.
More than skipping class to smoke pot or sneaking out of the house past curfew just so you can watch the stars with the "love of your life".
They are pains that linger in your veins even as years go by. Even as you look back at being 16 and think "I would've done things differently".
They're more than trying to forget all the names that have come up on your love chart, or how maybe that fight with your friend at the age of 15 wasn't a big deal and if only you could of put your ego aside and worked it out, it would of blossomed into something quite beautiful.

Growing pains, fuck em.

I think i've had enough of not saying no.

Hey Bud.

you get to a point where you've stripped yourself so bare that crooked teeth and sharpened bones feel the ache just as much as your heart and flesh. Keep that in mind as you pray for forgiveness and protection to God at night and as you make your way through counting sheep.

and just like that.
my whole world came crashing down.

3:00 am.

Nostalgia is amusing.
The warm butterflies in your tummy, the sweat between your fingers, the anxiety through your chest, the grinning on your face.
The Laughter that came from the master bedroom and the tears on that intoxicated night.
You've always been my shoulder. With or without your presence you've dried my tears.
I have you for the millionth time in my body again, yet, I have never felt you so distant from where my residence has come to be.
Treasures are funny.
They are almost like yesterday's.
The texture is still the same, and the smell remains fresh.
You've always been good at leaving behind a piece of you. Whether it's in front of the mirror or deep inside my wound.
I have you for the millionth time, and I can only try to really watch out and remind myself , there's something else to learn.

Maybe if you listened more than you analyse you'd understand:
there's love, no doubt about that.
it just can be hard to sit and hold your hand.

Where did it all come crashing down?
How did I make some gaps through these walls and take you back?
As ridiculous as it sounds; I Love you more everyday.
It isn't fair at all.

Some Real Shit.. uncensored.

You silly little girls, you think Mr. Perfect is just gonna knock on your door and ask you to marry him. And you dumb-ass little boys, you think the first girl that reminds you of your mother, is gonna be the one to mother you. How silly both of you are. How unrealistic. How unreasonable. How optimistic. How much I envy you. Those ignorant few who still believe in love. I hope someone pees on your favorite pair of shoes. And I hope their expensive. And I hope its that really yellow kind of pee that you get when you don’t drink a lot of water… the guys know what I’m talking about. How I envy those who still believe in romance and how I envy those who couldn’t care less. It’s the in-between dweebs like myself, who really got it bad. Those who don’t ever really know what’s going on. Like you think you love someone, but than you don’t love them like ten minutes later and you wonder if it was really love or just really bad gas. What happens if you really like/love someone but due to some major influences or situations (family, religion, culture, religion, financial, religion) you are in, you are not able to be with that person. What if you could be with them but only under certain circumstances? What if those circumstances were so strict that it made it virtually impossible to actually participate in any kind of meaningful relationship? What if only one of you really cared to follow the rules that you both agreed on? What if you made plans to be with this person for the rest of your lives? What if only one of you actually agreed upon them? What if you were a stupid head and always loved what you couldn’t have? What if you just baited out your whole love life to hundreds of people that you may or may not know through a matrix device such as facebook, for example? What if Mr. Perfect actually strolled into your life and asked you to marry him? What if the first girl that reminded you of your mother, actually had the ability to mother you? Love really is a disease; it can only do wrong and forces people to do bad things, dumb things, things that they wouldn’t normally do under any other circumstance. It’s like a bad drug or a good drug depending on how you swing. I think I would like to be with her for the rest of my life, the only problem is we are way too young for such a serious commitment. Actually she claims to be way too young for a serious commitment, I’m all game. I should just kidnap her in the middle of the night and bring her to the Masjid with her one family representatives. Her four year old brother won’t even know what hit em. Sometimes I think she’s way to ghetto for me. Nothing against ghetto people, except that they tend to be annoying after a while, always involved in too much drama and have too many friends that are usually bad influences. I myself could be classified as a ghetto person which is why having another ghetto person would just screw everything up. She’s not as serious about religion as she wants to be. I’m not down with apathy and I need someone that really makes God a priority. She loves to shop. Too much. And I hate really pretty girls that are obsessed with the mall, like people who have $300 shoes on their feet and not enough change for bus fair. She’s one of those people, really bad with money and sometimes it’s gone before she gets it. Overall she’s pretty much a mess. Now that I think about it, I have no idea what we even have in common. Great, it’s settled than; I might as well cut off all communication with her immediately. I’m glad we had this conversation. My best friends are always the ones who don’t say a word and let me blab on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and O.k. you get the point. Plus in the eyes of religion, our relationship is somewhat not good. Very un-good to be exact. I mean it’s not like we do anything crazy out of line according to a kaffir mode of thinking, but still I sometimes feel guilty that we talk on the phone late or that sometimes we’ll hang out. I know this sounds very PG13 to some, but for the sake of any potential future we would have to be totally Halal. This stands out against my past like Malcolm X at a Klan meeting. I guess it’s never too late to start fresh and really try and live a more healthy and sovereign lifestyle. And to make it worse, she actually aggress with me. She’s cool with taking things extremely slow, and every time I try and get mad she is completely understanding. I hate her for that. I feel guilty even discussing my personal life over such a non-personal means but I do this only in the hopes that maybe people can learn from my experiences or understand what it feels like and maybe can relate to the idea of trying to have a healthy relationship. Nobody ever teaches us how to act civil around someone who you really care about, but by 13 years old I could snap off a bra off using Jedi mind tricks. She’s perfect. Honestly. As much as I try and down play how I feel, she has me weak. Brothers, I know sometimes we don’t like to admit it, but women have to ability to make or break us. In half, like twigs, if she is on your mind than you can’t really do anything. I’m supposed to be writing an essay on the way in which immigration is framed in the movie Men in Black, but instead I’m sitting here professing my love. And I’m sorry to all the sisters out there who I have ever lead on, but this is it, I’m officially resigning from the bachelor life. I want her, bad and forever. It’s a sickness I tell ya. I’ve never met someone so quick on their feet and her sense of humor makes conversation wicked all the time. She is caring and is the only person I will ever take advice from. I have never been so scared of someone in my life, not in like an abusive relationship kind of scared, but more like just of her rejecting me. I have made myself completely vulnerable, the first thing you should never do in war and this my friends has turned into dessert storm. Only now I’m just fighting for my dignity, I ain’t trying to go out like some sucker, but it’s almost too late. I don’t care what my friends or family think of her, it’s not like they would have anything to disagree over, but even if they did, I so wouldn’t listen. Everybody around me knows I can be stubborn, but for her I would tell the Sun to come back tomorrow. If she ever leaves me, I will just have to mutate into an asexual organism so that nobody will ever be able to take her place. I’m sorry for wasting your time with this. No big revolution talks from me today, just me being a KaKa brain and letting it all loose. You should try it sometime, it’s really refreshing. I should take the last few lines to perhaps promote something worthy, like maybe an upcoming show or a video clip of interest, but I’m too busy waiting for her to call me back. Do yourselves a favour, never fall in love.

/ Boona Mohammed

I want to give you some good, good lovin'.

Reggae is my life right now :D

I'm sorry.
I wish you suffered less too.
but i can't fake it.
I've never been a good liar.

I have a challenge.
I'm determined to grow as tall as trees, and shine as bright as pearly whites, and sing my triumphs up on stage for the whole world to see.
All this I will take away from you.
I keep insisting that I'm no woman like the woman I am when i'm with you.
I'll invest all my strength and time into blossoming beside you.
So that when we really do expire in each others eyes I can leave with my seeds and less scars too.

Heroin.

Like a bad habit. An addiction so deep in your veins. No amount of self love that can save you. because he's endless, past anything that's ever become a part of you. It becomes your sanity in moments of ruins. Your only truth.

And it scares you.
To the point that you wonder, "will this craving ever end?"

I don't know what to tell you anymore.
Just be prepared for the consequences of your recent investments.
Interest's high.

The hardest part of being alone.. getting too use to it.
<3

Truth .

I've never really written about it. Never fully given it recognition. I have always put it second, thought it was silly. I've packed it behind a dictionary filled with new vocabulary. I've disguised it behind a new red dress and black heels in the back of my closet.
I've almost let it sit there, watching from left to right so truly confused.
It's never had a home. No address, no destination, no foundation. No place to heal, no distinguished way to begin, no possible way to say goodbye.
I've never really written about it.
maybe it's time.

it's a little breath taking.
kinda funny in its own ironic way.
a little bit of a coincidence.
but it feels just right for the very first time.
for all the right reasons.

gotta love the one you're with.
and i've learned i have me,myself,& i.
here we go..

Love & other drugs.

i was getting ready for bed.
saying goodbye to the day.
thinking about the advice that a good friend gave me.
"keep pushing through".

then you called.
and made my heart sank.
____________________________.

you can't do this to me anymore.
i'm over feeling like i can't choose my direction.

"no signal" my phone went.
maybe a sign, possibly a salvation.
i won't answer the phone for the remainder of the night.
goodnight.

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

Quote(s) of the day.

In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.

- EAT.PRAY.LOVE.

Sharpen bones.

I have fault too?
All i ever tried to do was be a good person. I wanted to show him the world isn't a bad place, not everyone is out to get you.
I expected too much?
Kindness?Communication? Is that too much?
It's disrespect; it's as simple as that. Somebody can't take that much from you even if you've sorted out selections on the table.


I'm taking back my power.
to hell with him.

Detox.

My hearts aching, it's fist tight.
and my backs tingling, almost like fingers lingering down my spine.
my lips are yearning for the taste of our last kiss goodbye.
this all may sound silly but i became addicted too fast.
and now i sit here. in another time way too connected to the past.
nothing makes any sense. Non of it matters at all.
I am here.
you are there.
while our emotions float in the air.
i'd give just about anything to be next to you.
On this bed filled with photos, memories, sand and shells.
between these old hollow sheets that have no comfort, no molding.
just to be able to get high one more time.

te recuerdo.

Lo dejaría todo porque te quedaras
Mi credo, mi pasado, mi religión
Mi piel también la dejaría,
mi nombre, mi fuerza
Hasta mi propia vida

The last supper.

We all looked beautiful.After our long delay to the mountain tops of one of the most beautiful restaurants my eyes have ever seen.Much ranting and overwhelmed emotions: Tonight was our last night on this gorgeous island. We ordered lobster, fish and some beers. It had been our second time there that week but I had already felt like a regular. The cigarettes began sparking one by one, smoke filled the air, laughter began sinking through our entire table. We reminisced on our entire week. The amazing people we have met, the drunken nights, the silly jokes we had come up with. Slowly I found my hand find your leg underneath the ceramic, white table. You turned to look at me and smiled and you whispered in my ear "Could I kiss you?" My smile said it all.I wanted this moment to last forever. Safe between those I knew and excited between those I came to care for. I pushed the thought very far from my mind,body,and soul; I had less than 24 hours here.With you,with my roots, my ancestor's.
Later that night, you took my hands as we walked away from the music and conversations. Nothing mattered anymore. Just you and me against the world. And I reached up and kissed you. Kissed you like my sanity depended on it. You grabbed my waist and embraced my entire essence. "Promise me something: promise me that no matter what you do in life, you'll be great at it. Promise me you'll never believe a dream is too small or too silly. Promise me you'll remain beautiful". I looked deep into his brown Spanish eyes "I swear".

I'll never let you go. Not the memory nor the promises.
not the nights of lessons nor the ways I begun coming into my own.

i miss u.

Ego.

is it worth it? keeping it alive so you feel worthy? at the expense of losing those that have not done wrong by your name?
you think you save yourself your dignity but really, you look like a fool.
I can see past the facade, the sugarcoated frosting layered on top of insecurities and wrists wombs.
Yes, you have the right to ache but you don't have the right to be cruel.
I thought i'd just share with you something that took me a long time to understand: Your ego will destroy you if you don't learn how to tame it. It will make you lose some of the most important things in your life. It will lie to you, it will pretend to be your friend, it will trap you in believing that you are perfect.

You are not perfect. You are human.
You hurt, you bleed, you love, you make mistakes.
try to be a little human, try to be a little real, won't cha?

If you only knew the things that you've done to those that have no obligation to love you.

Content.

I'm not too sure.
Have I gotten use to the old way of things?
Or have i created a replica of how it was before nothing mattered?
I'm not too sure.
But i have this feeling that i'm just here in body, counting the minutes until the next time i get to feel life make its way through me.
I just can't remember a moment before that mattered more.
I have no clue as to what had me so restrained.
It's almost as if your demons can't hurt you, your future can't scare you, your past loves can no longer haunt you.
It's almost as if I broke from my shell, as if I've begun falling in love with every single part of my entire essence, as if i've embraced the imperfection and framed the triumphs.

It's quite the feeling.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to be completely honest with yourself.
"Who am I?" as I stare at the horizon. As I breath freely and i'm connected with my body and the universe. Us two as one have come into harmony.
Life gives me a challenge, a goal to attain.
Now go create yourself.

The other side.

Distance means nothing.
I'm still sitting beside you laughing,
drinking my pina colada as you light another smoke for me,
as i catch you look at me endlessly while i share a smile with my friends.
Time means nothing.
As you kiss my entire body and i let myself melt between sheets of sand.
While waves hit the shore and i feel my body and yours become one.
You were the perfect way to begin my journey, the most beautiful souvenir i could of found by the sea.
I've never felt so inspired.

Dejame atado a este amorrrr.

Oye Patria,

I want to ask you a question. Yes you.
Tell me what it feels like when you find yourself in complete solitude from everything that has ever hurt you and it feels just right. Tell me what you desire in that one moment when you can mimic the exact touch of your favorite lover all over your core. Or how about the contentedness your whole body receives as an achievement when you know you've done something beautiful for the universe. How about the feeling of taking a risk at someone else's expense and having no idea how it would hurt them? How about the hollowness in the core of your stomach because you can't swallow the truth of how destroyed and full of ruins your actual territory is? Or how about the powerless emotion that takes over you when you realize that you can't ever change the fact that life has a plan for you and you just have to wait it out?

I left my soul in Cuba.
Somewhere in a crowd filled with beautiful stories and outstanding smiles.
within the laughter of children and the singing of men.
Somewhere out there is the blond girl that was just still every night by the sea, with a smoke in one hand and a pen in the other.
<3

Undiscovered, #1 quiz

Tell Me About Yourself Survey

Name: Melina Natalie Velasquez Escalante


Birthday:January 25th 1990.


Birthplace: North York, Toronto.


Current Location: Rexdale, Etobicoke


Eye Color:Brown


Hair Color:Blonde


Height:5"6


Right Handed or Left Handed:Right


Your Heritage: Hispanic/Canadian/European


The Shoes You Wore Today: High Boots.


Your Weakness: Kindness


Your Fears: Being alone forever


Your Perfect Pizza: Green olives.


Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Depend on ONLY myself.


Your Most Overused Phrase On Instant Messenger: "LOL"


Thoughts First Waking Up: I'm still alive but I feel funny...


Your Best Physical Feature: Lips


Your Bedtime:Midnight


Your Most Missed Memory: Playing in front of my house with chalk.


Pepsi or Coke: Neither.


MacDonalds or Burger King: McD's


Single or Group Dates: Single


Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea


Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate


Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappuccino


Do you Smoke: On occasion


Do you Swear: Like a fucking sailor.


Do you Sing: I've started to again.


Do you Shower Daily: Yes.


Have you Been in Love: I'm not sure.


Do you want to go to College: Again, yes.


Do you want to get Married: I'm not sure.


Do you belive in yourself: Most of the time until somebody crushes my self esteem.


Do you get Motion Sickness: Nope.


Do you think you are Attractive: I do.


Are you a Health Freak: Nope; Constantly trying to be.


Do you get along with your Parents: Now that i'm older, Yes


Do you like Thunderstorms: Lovee them. There's one going on right now



Do you play an Instrument: Not anymore.


In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes, some wine.


In the past month have you Smoked: I have.


In the past month have you been on Drugs: Yes.


In the past month have you gone on a Date: Nope.


In the past month have you gone to a Mall:Yes.


In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:I have not.


In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Yes. It's my fav<3333


In the past month have you been on Stage: No way!


In the past month have you been Dumped: I wouldn't call it exactly that.


In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Not in years.


In the past month have you Stolen Anything: LOL yeah.


Ever been Drunk: Tipsy..


Ever been called a Tease: I have. But trust me, it's the other way around.


Ever been Beaten up: Emotionally , Yeah.


Ever Shoplifted: Nope.


How do you want to Die: Happy and In love with my life.


What do you want to be when you Grow Up: beautiful on the inside & out.


What country would you most like to Visit: Brazil, Australia, France, Scotland.


Number of Drugs I have taken: 3


Number of CDs I own: Too many


Number of Piercings: 13


Number of Tattoos:5


Number of things in my Past I Regret: Too many.


In a Boy/Girl...

Favorite Eye Color:Hazel


Favorite Hair Color: Brown


Short or Long Hair:Short


Height: Taller than me


Weight: Doesn't matter. Love is Love.


Best Clothing Style: Doesn't matter.

For me.

not knowing who you are is the worse feeling in the world. I thought i had conquered that mystery and commenced actually enjoying the journey in success. As of lately everything feels unbalanced and with no sense of definition. I don't trust anybody or anything. I can't even begin to trust myself. My feelings, my thoughts, my inspirations, my motives. I am so lost in the denial of who I am, what I stand for and what I became a result of. I can't let everything around me humble me anymore. Being this proper to everyone is taking a huge toll on who I am and what I deserve. I don't know what I deserve anymore! My mom always said growing up that you should treat your neighbor how you'd like to be treated and I agree. But lately, I just feel used. I can't stand to be selfish but it seems to be what many believe I should begin to do. Thing is, I've never been good at being there for myself. How do I commence? I've been on this road of discovery for many years now. I have now finally understood that the solitude in my life has been necessary and the wishful thinking for the place in my bed had to be killed. I've attempted to shift my karmic balance and take a risk at the Universe's expense; where are the fruits of that labor?

I constantly feel myself being afraid of everything around me. I have these intense knots in the pit of my stomach, my heart begins to beat fast, peoples words begin to sound like a foreign language that I can not comprehend. What happened? I had it together. I was so set to finally embark upon the ultimate thing I keep working towards. Then the past decided to come up again, and the boys ran back and they left and came back again and again. Friends said goodbye, new ones were made. I hated myself a year ago and I fully gave birth to a new me eights months ago. Tell me, was it all a bluff? Cause I surely don't know.

What do I know?
That every night I pray so hard to God to grant me the serenity I do not have.
I beg for somebody that I adore to make me feel beautiful like i had learned to do for my own being.
I force myself to remember how happy things began to feel.

All I have left are my thoughts and my talents.
to inspire myself to begin doing what i use to love.
because love is all that can set me free at this point.
i feel trapped within a dream twisted at the end of my womb.

Pero la vida es mi rumba, y los amores mis inspiraciones
por eso sigo aqui defrutando de lo poco que me queda de nuestra memoria.

Let it burn.

my hearts been big, it takes way more than you deserve, could ever deserve.
and my words are strong:heavy like weights, firm like gravity.
Of course I could sit around and have you now watch my triumphs.
I can also walk away, and take back everything of me; new and old.
Truth me told though; i cant stop looking for you.
This was the last time that i could ever force myself to say words. Words with strong meanings and firm holds.
My pronunciation strong like the orchestra that sits within my soul.
I'm not taking anything from your core, i'm requiring my backbone; the one that you shield me from.
But nothing gets better than the hope for you to tell me not to walk, walk away.
Yet, i kiss you goodbye and the night is all that can hold my own.

Now, make it your truth.

i feel my insides twirl as he speaks your name.
i feel my heart throb like a drum as i take in the things you have said.
i feel a punch in the pit of my stomach like i'm about to go flat line.
All over this one person.
One person who shouldn't have any power at this point.
Who set the record straight and tainted my title with mold and cobwebs.
You should be ashamed, not i.
I took a risk on your behalf, and I ended up with the consequences too.

I hear you.
these walls are pretty thin.
To be honest, i'm not impressed at all.

hold your own .

I wouldn't come back if you asked me to,
I wouldn't love you even if I could.
I take off my shingles and I dry my eyes.
from now on i'm faithful to myself until the day that I die.

I'm coming home , I'm coming home.
Tell the world that i'm coming home.

<3

I've been breathing it lately;

brb,

after tonight; i'll have so much to write about.

GUARANTEED!

so what if i'm over emotional
and i wear my heart on my self.
if i give too many chances
and my judgement can be poor at times.
i do admit to repeat the same mistake more than once..or twice..or thirteen times.
but you don't get it.
You sit there and judge me; my life.
You've heard the story but have no idea what i've had to go through in order to get myself here.
Im gonna keep making more mistakes, and i will probably hurt just as much as the first time.
so what if i lose myself from time to time,
theres always a new woman to create.
yeah, sometimes i shouldnt trust my judgement , but i've learned that i really cant trust anything.
Because nothing is permanent; opinions and facts change.
Humans are hypocritical and are motives are always selfish.
i guess what im trying to say is, its okay. i'm okay.
everything is evolving and i'd like to believe i'm part of that movement.

Merci.

Day 2: I am thankful for the ladies I work with @ BodyBlitz. We don't exchange stories or problems but yet we are able to laugh off the stress of everyday life and enjoy what we do. I am so thankful for having an escape away from reality where I can put my all into something and see how happy it makes somebody. <3 Thank you ladies.

Gracias

Today i am thankful for taking time out and going to pamper myself with some lovely friends. I never do things like this for myself. Def will become something I do once a month!

Sweet Cheers xx

I guess the hardest part right now is finding out where I belong to. I have absolutely no idea how the tables turned, how i stand here with my feet barely touching the ground. I was overachieving for a future beyond comprehension and now what? I am so lost for words. lost for emotions and visuals of this out come. A foundation made out of strong cement and rough paneling; where are the fruits of that labor? i just don't know anymore.
what anything means;
what love feels like,
kisses taste like,
blissfulness smells like,

I suppose its safe to say;
i lost all direction .

Lose your clothes and show your scars.

"i'm holding your hand but you're barely holding on"

They're some things about my life that I've always made sure I walked around without ever having a glance, millions of mistakes and bruises I've vanished out. To be completely honest, I've casted out all sorts of memories regarding me and my adolescence history. I became good at it ; you know.. Pretending but eventually evolving into the woman I've always wanted to be. Leaving bad habits behind, old mix tapes of my favorite songs, nights of infatuated lovin'.

She won't let you go unless she stands alone.
Like kryptonite to superman ,
sobriety to an addict;
you shingle me like a minority.

I don't want to lose her, darling.
You know how much investing with poker chips I don't have I've gambled?
I feel nothing waking up in the morning anymore; no lungs underneath my breasts, no vision to capture my scenery, no hunger for life.

I guess what i'm saying is ; i'm having a feeling, one that's imprisoning me.
So, let me dry out in your eyes because we all know.. WE ALL KNOW, I won't ever let you go.

We'll never fall.

it's been keeping you away ; you tell me all the reasons as to why you can not stay.
To wipe away the tears, to applaud me in pride, having you just love me for the woman i am today. Every little piece of me you see when you just begin to believe. I begin to breath again at the moment of your return I will never let you get away. So kiss me one more time. Let me remember your touch, and I'll have you tattoo a part of you onto my backbone. Because you'll be power of my movement and the stimulation of my pulse. Just don't ever forget to remember me. Just hold me close to your being.
So ill let the memory take over me, give me a rush to the head as i hold my truth.

Truth

im as invincible, flawless, ambitious and lifted as i am without the wind flying high above clouds, as a kite up in the air on a hot sunny day, as the mist of an evening, and the fog after a storm. Im as high as it gets;

no pain, non of that at all.
memories are a trap that keep you sustained
and hope an idea that can become conceived.

I am a reflection that can not be tamed.

"we give comfort and receive comfort sometimes at the same time"

I completely understand now.

Sometimes we are back there.

i did this for you.
Only you.


* i miss you more than who i left behind when we walked our separate ways.

lalalalessons

I'm going through changes,
I'm taking on chances,
You should see how good i'm getting at this.
I'm letting it all do what it needs to do.
Life is better than any rerun I can sit through.
& that's what i'm doing ; i'm sitting with it all.