Thursday Delights.

I tend not to blog this early but the fact that I've already missed my morning theory allows me to do so. So, I was going to sleep in a little today and go into class a bit late just because I felt I needed to catch up on some sleep but then last night I woke up around 5:00 am feeling really sick. I was sweating all over my chest, my room was so hot, and my throat was clogged. It's true, it does feel like razors being put down your neck. I couldn't take it. I got to use the washroom and get a class of water hoping it would make me feel better. But then I was lying there not being able to fall asleep again,great! So I ended up waking up at 10:30 and I figured that i'll just go for the afternoon instead. I did make up some hours yesterday by staying late but those are just gonna go towards today's missing hours. I'm back at square one. I do work an event this Sunday though downtown. So that will give me more hours too. I work Saturday only. I'm so upset that work has only scheduled me one day this week. I really need the money :(. So now, i'm just drinking a cup of tea which I haven't done in a while and thinking about an event that I should be attending. I can't make up my mind whether or not I should go. I've numbered the pros and cons and still, can not decide. I wonder when i'm going to stop ripping myself apart and living my life avoiding him. It's my world too, i'm entitle to go too. For all I know i'm making this into a bigger deal than it is. He's probably not even invited.

Yeah, so that's enough for me at the moment.
Ps. I'm having identity issues, can anyone notice?

Let's hear it one more time.

I've grown cold to the habit of selling myself short. I've become too use to knowing that stuff like this is inevitable. That when the going get's good i'll go stumbling down a flight of stairs. There are about 5 things that have gone beautifully perfect in this life but with each one comes a consequence that only feeds temporary happiness. Happiness? Define that, please. Almost like love .. . can it really exist? An illusion that we master is what traps us deep within the surface that we can't tell right from wrong anymore. "You just gotta pull through" Oh Yeah, let me get on that. Because all I have been doing is wasting my time. Destroying my organs with toxics and sharpening my skin with blades, clogging my throat with something more than bodily fluids. Seems I've found a worth in another substance. Difference now is, I don't go on my knees for your ego rush but for the one above to save me from myself. "Let go" I guess 8 months of pacing, therapy and faking the laughter means nothing. Patronizing advice is making me wanna pull the trigger. Making me wanna just give the world finger and tell everyone to FUCK THE RIGHT OFF! Don't talk to me, Don't pretend to care, Don't come over when it's convenient for you. I have already removed myself from the situation. Trust, it's a lie.

Woman of the fatherless tribe LOVE men differently.

Last night I sat down with my mom and we had a talk. A good talk.
I told her so many things about what I have been feeling for the past 8 months and a lot of the struggles that have come along with. I explained how I felt that nobody understood how I was feeling and that it was making me get to the point that I am distant from a lot of people. I told her how comfortable it's become to just be alone. To suffer by myself. The thing I also told her was that I couldn't stand to feel as if my life has paused while everyone else's progresses and evolves. It fucking sucks. I was a pool of tears with her by the end of it.

And for the first time ever I also said out loud with truth and fear that I didn't love him anymore. I don't. I'm just Hurt. Resentful. Shocked. Sadden.

I still wonder what about me wasn't good enough.
How much bad must I have done in order to deserve what I got.
You guys don't even know half of what he did.
And Those are the things I believe would maybe set me free.
but I take them to the grave.
Not for him, but because I couldn't stand the humiliation.
I would never be able to face myself in the mirror again.

Also because I am terrified of him.
I should have told his mother everything.
I should have pressed charges.
I should have reported it and let them get rid of him.
I covered for him too much.


for what?

This week better beat the last.

hey readers! i'm sorry that i hadn't updated earlier. I've been so busy and to be honest a lot of stuff is a repeat of everything that occurs every week. So, i have about 15 mins before I have to head to work so I figured, why not update.

I worked this whole weekend. It was extremely busy last night. Apparently as busy as it's going to get before Iron Man 2 comes out. I didn't mind the rush but as long as I knew what I was doing. Which I didn't. Because nobody trained me on till and they immediately put me on one when it got packed. I was so pissed but more frustrated because I was screwing up people's orders. For the record may I just say: I HATE COUPONS! The end. I'm really sore too. My legs and feet hurt a lot. But I guess it's some getting use to. Luckily though, we start mani/pedi at school on Monday. Apparently we are gonna have a lot of clients there too. With summer and all. So ladies, (and gents too) come get your mani/pedi's for a really good price. Tip me generously too lol .

So, my house is a mess. No, i mean it.I don't think I've ever lived in such a dirt hole. It's just that with school, work and feeling like shit all week, I haven't got up to clean. I wanna do a GOODDDDDD clean. Move things around and what not. So, i refuse to let anyone come over until i'm done that.

I went clubbing on Friday night for Leanna's 21st Birthday. We went to this cool lounge called The Brunswick. It's pretty close to The Green Room. It was amazing ! Sweet place. The music selection was good and drinks are pretty cheap. I think I wanna take some friends there next time. They will def enjoy it.

Alright, I gotta get out the door if i'm gonna make it on time.
Wish me luck.

-- Melina

Relapse, I wear it like my middle name.

I think I believe that life owes you not leaving me. Because it never crosses my mind and the moment it does, I shut it down. But in a world where there's no sense of control of what can cross my path the first thing that gets thrown at me are your words of goodbye. You've found a place to cast me away. And I sit there in a panic. Compromising my needs and wants for you to stay at least one more day.

What am i going to do the day you set me free?
or have you already?

I'm gonna master every ounce of confidence I have.

Jeeesssuuuuuuusssssssssssss ! Thank God this week is over. I didn't think it would come to an end to be honest. I was so busy with school and working my first even at a fashion show with the rest of the girls in my aesthetics program. Thank the lord it was open bar and after we were done we could party with the rest of the people. But man, aren't rich people rude! But whatever, i've learned that I am going to have to deal with these kinda people and that's fine because honestly, i'm really beginning to love what I do. I don't care anymore if people think it's stupid or not really an education because it's 'beauty school'. Screw you and your opinion I work just as hard to study for exams and to stay on top of my work. I love it, It's going to open so many doors for me.

So I had orientation and it went pretty well. I did have moments where I go so bored and really couldn't understand why everything was so necessary but I def have more respect for cast members and I'm not gonna lie, i'm a bit intimidated by this job but then again when am I not nervous. I just don't wanna mess up. I really, really don't wanna mess up. So far, I work this Tuesday. That will be my first official day of training. What gets me mad though is the fact that I have to do these dumb online surveys that are each a half hour long and if you don't pass a certain section you get up to three times to do it right again and if you get it wrong it logs you out. Well, guess what? I failed the easiest one and it logged me out, ugh. I need to pass it before I start my shift. This has me stressed. I'm overwhelmed. I lack sleep but I guess at the same time it doesn't have me thinking so much. I don't mind the uniform but I am pretty upset at the fact that I have to tuck my shirt in and wear a belt. Me and belts don't mix. Neither do tucked shirts and excess weight.

On a lighter note, I finished reading "If I am missing or dead". I absolutely love memoirs and this one was beautiful. The story of the murder of a sister and her fight through an abusive relationship. Truly inspiring. I highly recommend it. :) Now i need to find another book to read. As I write this I am looking at my book shelf and I think I may just pick up The Augusten Burroughs books again or maybe read baby proof since I stopped reading it last year or maybe the halfway house. Suggestions?

I think i'm going to miss class tomorrow. I wish I could say that I am doing this to have time for myself but no. I actually have to do a project to wrap up my make up unit and move on to the wonderful world of feet and hands. Yes, manicures and pedicures ewww. It's due this Friday. I think I am either going to do the Kat Von D line or the Benefits line. So, I think I am going to sleep in a little tomorrow, make some (semi healthy) breakfast and maybe find my way to the library. Maybe even one in another area. I just kinda wanna get away. I need to recharge.

Well, this is my new life. I would post more about dreams or dilemmas but lately my dreams are repetitive and my dilemmas are too dangerous even for writing.

Ps. It's been settled.

Biggest Test of Love.

Your kiss gets to me, it always does. Every time i feel your arms on my waist I feel and understand every single reason for why things happened to me the way they did. We beat the odds and just happened. I have everything i've ever wanted it's funny how it was just you. Now I know what they mean when they say that the man you come to love the most will never compare to the men you loved in the past. You are my best friend, my better part of me, you have taught me how to put everything i've ever learned into good use. You aren't what completes me but you definitely are what compliments me. I know how real my love is for you. Not the teenage love affairs or selling myself short. I stand in love with you and you treat me the way a woman should be treated. I really couldn't ask for more. I have everything i have ever wanted.

It's a Friday night and it's our usual routine. We are sitting in our living room not even paying attention to the movie that we have rented for the 3rd time. I'm wearing your favorite ballers shirt and my over sized sweat pants that don't do anything for my figure but you always seem to say how gorgeous i look dress downed. My hair is everywhere, no make up on, flaws and all. You on the other hand are all dressed in your clean cut suit and slicked back hair. I hate when you look that good. it makes me melt and I never win. You pin me on the ground and kiss my neck as I go into a fit of laughter and i'm tickling my way on top of you. Yes, this is what we do. You begin to tease me on the fact that I can't take your pranks but you always put up with mine. I look into your eyes and bit your lower lips. I think this is the first of many arguments that I am going to win.

It's 2am and the phone rings. Knowing who it is I answer "Hi mom... you do know what time it is?" She goes on about how I must pack my bags and get myself to the airport. For some reason out of this world i'm being given the chance to go to Italy and from there straight to Brazil. In another life I wouldn't have thought it twice but I have my biggest reason laying right next to me. I let my mom go on about how great of an opportunity this is and that she can arrange everything for me to get a leave of absence out of college. I am not listening, I am looking at the man that I came to love so incredibly in a few years. I can not bare to leave his side. But I can not step on my dreams again. She is right: This opportunity is never going to happen to me again. I tell her i'll call her back. and I roll out of bed. I don't know why I don't think about it but I proceed to the hallways walk in closet and begin to pick out my clothe and that dress I bought on sale at Holt that i've been saving for a special occasion. Well, it didn't get more special than this. I'm thinking, debating, arguing with myself. "What am I doing?" I ask myself. I haven't even spoken to him, I haven't even made a decision and i'm packing my bags.

I'm sitting in my luggage bag with tears shedding down my face and falling onto the canvas that had touched his lips not even hours ago. He comes in looking puzzled, maybe even thinking i'm leaving him. But that can't be it, I live here. If anything i would of asked him to leave. He sits across from me and grabs my hands. I can't even look at him. His eyes say it all. He's telling me to go. I almost want him to stop me. I want him to tell me it's not okay. That I need to forget it and stop being a child. He gets up to answer the door. It's my mother.

She's pacing around like a mad woman. If I didn't know any better I could almost promise this is the way she will be the day I get married. At this rate, that doesn't even look too hopeful. She's telling me to hurry up, she's telling him it's only for a few months. That he needs to understand and that I need to stop being so depressed about this. I was getting a 'gift'. But I didn't see it that way. He was the greatest gift life gave me and I was tossing it away for another love. I preached my whole life to love the one you're with and here I was walking away from the happiest place i have ever been in my life. and he was letting me. My mother begins calling friends she has in Rome and telling them that I should be expected to be there by late this evening and already begins planning my extra curricular activities. The man of my dreams, the one I was suppose to spend in endless summer with who was going to help me build that cottage I always wanted was now becoming part of my past. What would happen in a few months? Would he wait? Would I change? Would he have loved another? What if I didn't go? Would I regret it my whole life? Would I hate him always for not allowing me to embrace my greatest passion? I was caught between two worlds.

I stood at the door entrance looking straight at him with tears falling down my face with absolutely no expression on my face. I was losing him before my eyes and he was stepping onto a new territory. A new life that didn't involve me. He just smiled and told me to hurry. To make it quick. That he was happy for me. I was lucky. This to me was far from lucky.

it's 6am and i am at the airport. My family is there to say goodbye and everyone is already asking me to bring them something back.

You look at me. Straight into my eyes and kiss my neck so gently while your arms feel like they are going to mold me into your physical self. I whisper into your ear and for the first time ever I let myself be so vulnerable and I tell you the most important thing to ever have crossed me: Thank you for loving me.

& like that you let me go kiss my forehead with eyes closed and I can feel your tears falling down my lids and you storm away. And I am left there with your memory, your lingering pain and your aroma all splattered on the surface that you taught me to love.

i'm going to regret this for the rest of my life.

It makes me so happy. :)

Just a few womanly issues.

I haven't really had a good week. Then again, it's only Tuesday. I'm having a difficult time getting out of bed for school again. I hate how I go a few weeks being on track and then i'm physically tired that it gets in the way of everything. Not only am I missing hours at school but with this new director i'm not gonna be able to get away with it smoothly.

I'm not gonna lie, I've had a lot on my mind when it comes to just about everything. Even though things are finding their place I feel like there's something missing. It just feel as if all the hard work I put into my development from past situations really doesn't pay off in the long run.

I kinda wanna scratch all this out ^^. I feel like shit talking about all of this once again.

I'm really depressed. There.

I wish for something new.

hey everybody! Does anyone feel like this weeks gonna go by really, really slooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww? I do at least; boo.


So, my teacher finally got fired from school and we have a new coordinator. She's super awesome. She's a make up artist and has worked with people such as Gerard Butler *drools* and use to be Christina Applegates personal make up artist. I think she's gonna do us really good. She's extremely strict but I think it's because she' so passionate about what she does but at the same time she gives us such credibility, which we lacked. I think Marvel really needed this. But with that being said, I need to step up my game and get to school on time, have my uniform ready, and focus. Maybe I needed this push into the right direction.

I went to demetres with Slava today. It was nice to finally get the chance to talk to him one on one. I really needed to be honest with him about a lot of stuff. Even stuff that had nothing to do with him.I really needed him to be honest with me. I needed him to drill me and put me in my place. That being said, .... yeah.

So, i have a big decision to make but i am going to sleep on it one last night. Even though I know what I am going to do. But i am excited to challenge myself.

I am still waiting for the phone call from this cruise line I applied to. Hopefully by this time next year I will be in Europe or South America, finally travelling and seeing the world. <3

I think i'm going to call it a night. I have a lot of processing to do.
Sweet dreams and until tomorrow or whenever.

Love.

I am letting go of the american dream. ;)

Cleansing.

Another blog in the same day?! Maybe writing is the only way I find true satisfaction in what I am feeling. I mean, my heart can take so much sometimes. I gotta give it a break. Allow it to circulate some blood without the possibility of a heart attack along the way.

I argued some more with him today.I think he likes it, a lot. I think it makes him feel empowered. I give him what he wants. Damn Melina, you know how to pick them. Anyways, I've made a choice. A slow long process of a choice but it is a choice. Thanks to the help of Fonna, Michael, and Alex I have made some changes or plan to do so. I know that sometimes I sound like a broken record playing a bad song but I am really going to try to make this change and that's really all I can do right now. I also need to honor my triumphs more (even if they are little). I don't wanna fight with him. I don't want to be his enemy but sometimes the way somebody treats you really ripes you down to the bone. And being that bare is not an option to me anymore. I refuse to allow it. So, I am going to focus on the much better things coming my way and the beautiful gifts life has given me recently and not put energy into this matter. Because I think it's that exact action that has got me so vulnerable and naive.

I went to Mike's for a bit today. It was nice to get out. If I hadn't gone, I would of missed out on the beautiful day and killed myself with thoughts. We had burgers and ice cream. I know I can always feel safe and comforted by just being around him. I am lucky to have such good friends. He red me my tarot cards. It's so ridiculous how dead on these things can be. This isn't always a good thing. It confirms how much better I am if i just toss away certain people and characteristics of mine. But like he says, nothing is set in stone and I have full power and control at the end of the day. Probably more than I think i do to be honest.

(I realize i've kinda gone backwards). I spent my Saturday with my grandma. It's probably my last Saturday having dinner at her house now that I am starting this new awesome job. So, I went over and spent time with her, my grandpa, my aunt, uncle, and cousins. It really let me get away. Later on, I met a few friends at Fox and the Fiddle to watch the UFC fight. I've realized this week, I talk a lot. I think I need to cut it down lol.

I am trying really hard to look forward to the week. To see how much I got going for me. So, I am going to focus in school and my group sessions I go to every week. They are helping and I can see myself becoming empowered. I know I have a lot going for me. Just that solitude takes over sometimes. A lot, recently!

On a last note. I am reading a wicked memoir called ; "If I am missing or dead" by Janine Latus (Completes of Fonna who bought it for me over the summer). It's an autobiography about a womans struggle through a physical abusive relationship and has passed away but has left behind a letter explaining what occurred.

Anyways, I'm going to go read now. Maybe even make some tea.

Love you ladies (and I know ONE gent in particular reads this).

Ps. I got a blast from the past. But I think i'll save it for another blog.
Drunk texts sure do say a lot. He misses me. Oh Boy..

Sunday Morning.

Hello. I had a pretty interesting week to say the least. Aside from the hectic and normal stressful things that ends up happening at school or just with my personal life, it was possible for shit to get tougher. But I don't wanna say everything was bad. I mean, I got myself on a good track with certain things. I feel that with the season unfolding and Spring being here that not only do I need to do A LOT of spring cleaning with my physical stuff but also with my emotional stuff.

So I tried the approach of calling some people out on things that were bothering me. It didn't really seem to work. I got denials mostly and this ended up making me feel like I was just 'complaining' like always. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it to talk about my feelings. I'm so tired of hearing that all i'm doing is complaining, whining, pissy, etc. If things weren't going wrong, I wouldn't need to do any 'complaining, whining, pissy' stuff. But anyways, It backfired on me. I'm getting to the point where I don't know how to please people without failing with myself. I just don't tolerate bullshit anymore. Maybe i've gone to an extreme but I refuse to take anything I don't like. So when people begin to make jokes at my expense or be plain out rude, of course i'm gonna call them out on their shit.

So, I told him not to look for me until I make a choice. Because something needs to change and when I do make a choice. I'm not turning back. And even with that said, he said "Okay Bye".

Really, Am I not even enough to chase as a friend? I mean, i'm telling you that you are hurting me. That you are doing certain things that bother me and I want them to change. And that's what I get? I cried the whole way home. When am I going to be enough for somebody? I'm tired of putting more effort than the other party. So I tell him how I don't like the way he treats me and he says "I already knew that" . - WHAT?! If you knew that WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?! "Nothing needs to change, this is me and I like me". And you say I draw you out to people as the bad guy. No buddy, you do that to yourself. So now I need to write a list of pros and cons and really decide what to do. I need to remove myself emotionally and be logical. I hate cutting people out! I'm not good at it. I guess the worst part is he doesn't even care. Then again, non of them do. It's almost like they are just waiting for me to do it.

I say I need to think about stuff. My choice has been made. Its the part of actually going through with it that's gonna be so hard. But all I know is, whether i am bitching too much or what I am saying is true, i'm not down with it and I want change and if you aren't going to give it to me then I am just gonna fall into the same trap of being controlled. And I promised myself I would never ever do that again.

Truth of the matter; you just don't care.
i am just a space i fill because she's not around.
and the day she comes back, you'll drop me.
LIKE THAT!
i know its true, cause when i stated it to you last night;
you didn't even respond.

you are never going to change.
and neither will i near you.

Quick Update.

I should be doing some studying. I have my first make up test tomorrow. But this stuff is semi easy so I think ill be fine if i just review it on the bus tomorrow. I am proud to say that I got the job! I am so excited to be working again. I feel like I really have Jennifer to thank. She really motivated me to apply. :) I feel like things are getting better. Though I wont lie, some things are getting worse. But I wont let it rain on my parade. No way.

Okay, I really gotta go study now.

<3

Web.

There are things I always said I would take with me to the grave. Some have been exposed others still remain sealed. I'm nervous. Nervous like a child on their first day of school. This secret that I carry in me is gonna come lashing out if i don't guard it. Guard it with the things that numb the pain. Pain that is so pleasurable that you'd wonder if sex or chocolate are really the best comforts of the world. I've run out of bullets to shoot others down with the things I can not change. It wasn't you, it was me; everything of it was my own karma. My own calling in life. Because there's this mystery that nobody can ever solve. That thing I did that one night. From then on it was never gonna be the same. And then it became like a domino affect. With every person to enter my life, get ready for the best parade to hit town. You'll get wrapped up in feelings. The one thing you have no control over and that's where life makes you pay. It teaches you a lesson, takes away the things you will ever come to love the most. And you will hate yourself, you will do just about anything to numb the pain and then you will blame it on everyone that left, everyone that bashes you, that gives away your secrets that you have possessed. But you see, they never stick around for the greatest of them all and Girl, that's the one thing you need to forget. That night when you designed a plan that changed the entire blueprint of your life. This is why at night you can not sleep, this is why you can not put into words what you feel, this is why you cry and cry for somebody to care. Because every time you come up for air. To grasp enough lung power to lash your words onto someones canvas, that little girl inside comes over your mouth and shuts you up. She refuses to let you fold.

Because it's been exposed..

STYA.

Sicker than your average: But not in that trendy way. I mean, I come with these shingles hanging off of me. I got bruises where eyes will never reach. I've shed blood in place there should of been joy. I've crawled on floors where I should have stood tall. Sicker than your average: Even though you suffocate me with your control, there you see me. Asking you to give me worth by 'caring'. I need your approval in order to walk these streets. My runway has become my paparazi. I gotta cover the story, must put up a front. Sicker than your average: I believe all i'm worth are your put downs. HE'S TEACHING ME, HE'S TEACHING ME ! I scream to you. I scream to me. I scream in dreams. HE DOES IT BECAUSE HE LOVESS ME !

Sicker than your average:

...alone.... 9 months... 1850 fights...10 bruises...pinches....put downs....25 missed calls per day....


Sicker than your average.

better luck next time.

I open my eyes and there you are. In a class room filled with faces we've been around for months and months at a time. Superiors that we eventually learned how to block out but you aren't close to me. You aren't beside me. You give me one of your looks. Those "I'm gonna teach you when I get my hands on you" kinda look. I am use to this at this point. But you see, it's been over a year and the a customs that I had to all your negativity and god damn power over me have faded. Faded with your name along the sea of discovery. I go back to the lesson and try my hardest to avoid any kind of contact with you. I can see from the corner of my eye your little savage attempts to get a rise out of me. But guess what? They aren't work anymore. You are livid to the point of coming up to me and giving me a piece of your mind. Your face is so close to mine that I can almost cave in and just kiss you. But I know that would be you winning. You gaining back every single bit of control you've ever had on me. But I hold my place and I ask you to evacuate my comfort zone. You see, you aren't part of it anymore. You just whisper in my ear "just watch, you're gonna regret it". and for the first time your threats don't phase me. They jump right over me. I get up and move myself out of your situation that has been created. ______ takes me away to ask me a few questions and as you see me creating a new security blanket you can see the fear in your eyes. Will I say too much? What is he going to ask me? But here it is. |"You two are inseparable. Why aren't you talking or sitting together?" It didn't take me long to answer. I was quite surprised. I looked at him right in the eyes and I guess the thrill in my face along with the gaze I gave you back said it better than I could. "Honestly sir, I couldn't tell you, really. But I'm okay with it"..

The bell rings and off we are. In another time and place that would be me chasing your tail and smudging you with all the love I now give myself. But instead I smile and wave a goodbye and go along my way towards this world, where you are just "one person". and not my universe anymore.