LODD

"its like i lived all that pain that instead of my heart getting angry and bitter it flipped and made me want to conquer something beautiful, something thrilling for my future. for my family, my babies"

Its funny how life works
and who we meet

:)

I really hope I made the right decision now that I have valid reasons.

Lesson of the day.

At that moment
While i was preparing myself to face another day,
as i put earrings in my ears, perfume on my wrists, and mascara on my lashes is that I realized that as chaotic and crazy as my life seemed in my mind: I had come a long way. And that the past had nothing on me, the future didn't exist and I had power, and that you: gosh you, this dilemma didn't matter to me anymore.
It's that moment that I forgave myself for trying to reach back to you.
I guess that was my closure.
And I suppose they were right when they said that everything happens for a reason.

querida

thank you for letting me breath again
I appreciate the opportunity to heal
I am aware you could come back at any time
but i want you to know ; I want to give you the world.
Everything I am doing is so we can be together in harmony.
So we love each other endlessly.
For you to have a home where you can reside.
Where you dont need to pack your bags at 2 am and run away.
Because the pain has become too much.
I love you more everyday.
And this has been the hardest love to ever face.
but you’re worth it, I keep your memory alive.
You’re beautiful, as beautiful goes < 3
I won’t ever give up , ever.

ruins .

beauty is what we carry in our essence,
like the smell of our favorite perfume stimulating within our pulse .
beauty is seeing the tiny fine print in this life .
It takes true disaster to see past these shutters, to appreciate the tiny things we are given everyday. The tests that we are failing terribly.
give your smile to a stranger, pronounce words of faith, give leaps of hope.
never think too high of yourself; destroy you ego. This is the trap.
Once you take yourself too seriously, the world all of a sudden looks unfriendly.
Comfort becomes uneasy.
opportunities become abused.
friends become an obligation.
beauty is what we see and do with what were given, with what we take, and with what gets washed away with the sea.
This is all I am certain of, this is all I can run with.

Rule of thumb

Sunday Night

The Princess Diaries
Crispers and Earl Grey Vanilla
Lit Candles
My Bed
BBM chats with the Facey

I'm set for the night.
Let a new week start <3

p.s. excuse the look of death on my face; its been a long work week x____x

for the love of marijuana .

Let's take in the reckless nights of our youngin` years .
because all we have is this one life, this one opportunity.
So let's continue laughing and passing around that spark of light.
Tell me about your day of work, confess your traumatic fights.
Because if you ever wanna really reach me, we've opened a window.
I'm all ears, all eyes, and I see the things you try to disguise.
I'll never take this moment back. This is what made me care free.
I'm loving the moment, I'm living the life.
Fuck the regrets, just keep flying those kites.

you deserve the best.
so don't settle thinking you don't.
don't be so scared and not try to catch the A listers.
because sweetheart, you are beautiful.
give yourself the opportunity and you'll see how easy she'll come to you.
Anyone would be crazy to let you go.

into the light

maybe the issue is were so busy trying to find ourselves when in reality we have been getting it all wrong.
Maybe it's about creating who we'd like to become.
Maybe the jokes on us.


So get out there and stop trying so hard :)

head down as i watch my feet take turns hitting the ground.

Chin Up.

close your eyes,
feel every single bit of blood run through you.
breath in and release,
keep your back straight.
and give your thoughts away,
don't remember, release the opportunity of dwelling
and take in that;

you have air in your lungs, the ability of movement,
thoughts on your brain, and ache in your heart.

With that, you can change the world.
you can create .
and that is something no heartache, person, history can take from you.

In all honesty; i wish you'd suffer less too.

Dancing through life.

like a piano playing in the background i just want the curtains to come flying down.
Yes, again i am playing the same song. Here i am dedicating all my sweat and tears into my performance. This character i've created, I can play her flawlessly.
I hit my solo's perfectly and I exaggerate my catastrophy. Endless battles in the mirror, you'd think my suffering was almost real. & there we go; ready for the credits to fill the screen as I give a bow and cheer on my audience . Roses here, kisses there, nothing is with limitation. And a part of me forgets to separate this woman I share a life with in order to forget all suffering, making her part of my entity.
Am I the girl with 20 years under my belt and the life i've always dreamed of? Or have I remained the little girl that rocks herself to sleep every single night?

Deja vu .

i just want you to know is that I no longer have shudders.
I see things as clear as day.
And with the history that we once held I needed to set the record straight.
Maybe I was the fool to believe in second chances but I guess I must be learning.
Because now I catch them way before they let the shot go.
I hope you know. You disgust me. Because even after 6 years of misery along side with you, you still didn't have the balls to tell me the one thing I've always feared.

Every excuse you ever game me was a lie.
Just like the trust I gave you once upon a time.
You found a women that doesn't measure up to me. Something that does it up.
Maybe the pedestal i've created for you is too high ~ i guess I assumed wrong when i thought you'd be man enough to tell me , rather than try to play me .

A big F U C K Y O U , SJS !
to hell with you.
to being your friend,
or any engagement what so ever.

It means no worries

matching the pieces.

There doesn't have to be a reason for it.
But lord, doesn't it feel incredibly liberating to smile without having to pretend, to face the world even with all the chaos, and to most importantly recognize how life is fast moving around you.
I have questioned a lot lately. The people in my life and what makes us connect
and I've analysed most without having to question anything.
I've began getting closer to a selected few and I realize it has to do with the change I have been doing for myself.
Life isn't all that beautiful at the moment, but where does it say life owes us that? What I do know is, I am extremely happy being in the present of this life that is setting me up for my future.
I am thankful for great conversations, good friends, imperfect but loving parents, and for myself lately.
One of my new years resolutions is to be more confident in the woman that I am and the things I have conquered in order to achieve a state of contentfulness.
I just want to focus on work, future planning of trips that will be happening this year, and my relationships with my close friends and family. I also want to work in forgiving myself which I feel will be my biggest achievement.

Phew , that was suppose to be a piece of writing and turned into a rant.
Sorry lol

A handful of favorites atm.

I recently purchased a copy of the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and I think the timing has been perfect. I have been going through a number of situations lately and my energy and passion has been tested and at times beat. I don't care how many times it takes, but I continue to watch this movie over and over again because they're some beautiful quotes that I feel I should share with others. Maybe you'll find some healing or simplicity within them. Enjoy !

--

It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

--

"You're going to have to learn to select your thoughts the same way you select your clothes every day. Now that's a power that you can cultivate. You want to come here and you want to control your life so bad work on the mind, and I don't think you should be trying to control a thing because if you can't master your thoughts you are in trouble forever."

--

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

--

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

--

"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."

--

"Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift."

--

"Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy."

--

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..."

--

Lord, take this pain from me.

And I took out the flames before our whole world came crashing down.
But who ended up burnt? Because here I am with the same after affects from time ago.
I feel as if it doesn't matter how I went about all of this;
whether I sat here patiently waiting for you to take the best of me
or I took it upon me to cut this net that I was building out of cob webs .
Some how somewhere you got away with a special possession of mine and here I am now trying to redeem myself. Almost allowing myself to cave and tell you how sorry I am that I went about it this way.
Have I not grown? Have I not learned?
Because I don't love you. As a matter of fact, I feel nothing except what you feed my body physically.
but I feel i've lost a lover, I've lost a friend, I've lost myself.
Truth be told though, I did it all for love.
Love for myself, Love for the one that will never let me get away.
I refused to settle for a boy stuck in his teenage episodes .
A boy too scared to stop playing games and quit the fronting.
I poor insecure little excuse of a man that would tell me how flawless I am yet would continue to steal from me.
This is who I am baby love, something greater than who you met once upon a time.
My statement was never false; I'm on different stepping stones.
I've wiped away the wants and replaced them with the needs.
So as you go about your way selling my name to the streets , I give you my deepest part of humility ;
no hard feelings, but never - i hope you ever question "What if" .

1.1.11

she's just another name , but you wouldn't know it.
and along with her canvas that you adore comes a story.
once upon a time she believed the promises, she memorized kisses, nights of passion.
she's just another number that you put up on your wall.
Number 86 is it? - who knows you've lost count.
but she knows what you're up to.
Knows the game a lot clearer than you can imagine.
she's not easy, she's not hollow, she's not naive.
she just believes more in you than you do in yourself.
and it's costing her the new beautiful life that she has duplicated for her benefit.

[ i guess for arguments sake]

She's so high .

i am only a fragment of your imagination;
the things i do to you in your sleep and the ability i have to make you feel something ; i consider that lucky.
I make you human and you make me careless.
with the way were going I'd say that you are good enough to be my right now.
but you aren't who i want sleeping next to me, i don't want you to be the father of my children.
You're good for the girl that i'm leaving and the woman i am becoming;
i already have my eyes on the prize.

Happy 2011 !

Even though everything was so last minute and what not I had an amazing night.
From finding money, to the greatest new years kiss. It was great to go out like that again! xo