I think I have a sickness.
I think I like to make a fool out of you.

It's so heavy.
It's all so heavy.
Just feels too real for me to embrace it.
Sits in the pit of my stomach kicking my insides.
Too restless at this point.
I'm exhausted.

You know i'm no good.

junk·ie Noun
1. A drug addict.
2. A person with a compulsive habit or obsessive dependency on something.

..judge away.

Like Crazy.

He doesn't know how broken hearted I can be.
Things like these are difficult for me.
I'm not the "right now" kinda person.
No future, no tries.
I guard my heart with a bullet proof vest and front that sucks the energy out of me.
I'm scared okay? I admit it.
Can ya blame me?
Why would I put my heart on the line when you're already packing your suitcase.
When your planes about to shoot up into the velvet blue sky?
Leave me undiscovered. Let all my imperfections stay in there place.
Don't tamper with this broken heart of mine.
I just don't wanna lose anymore pieces of myself.
Don't want to have to face sleepless nights.
Promise me a future and maybe i'll reconsider.

Rebirth;

Is the motive.
<3

I guess I now know what it is to have really loved and lost.
I don't even talk about it.
I'm not losing my dignity trying to reclaim my treasures.
I have made peace with the fact that they are both gone.
& along with them went a part of me.
Could that explain the numbness?

Im trying to get better at love.
Self love that is.

I need a God that i don't believe in.

I just want to be able to fall asleep with myself again.
It would be nice to be able to sit for coffee alone like i use to.
To look forward to my aspirations with full faith that I could attain them.
I gotta confess; being me hasn't been easy at all lately.
Freedoms been robbed from the blood that flows through my veins.
The same songs are on repeat and i'm absolutely on no routine.
The past is sucking the life of me. My loves are being tampered with.
There's no idea where any of my favorite treasures rest at this very moment in time.
I just wanna stretch my colours, wanna sing as high as I can when the sun begins to sit on a brand new day. I wanna see the entire world and be attached to the sky and beyond.
You see, I've always been a simple girl. But the simple things have left my sight long ago.

I need to work on my defenses.
as in, im too defensive.
relax the fuck down if you know what I mean.
I can't even stand me.

So this is what it could feel like.
It's so special to me. and her, i think she's gonna teach me a lot.
I've never had any responsibility outside of me like this one in a while.
I better not mess up.

What do you say to taking chances?

Can we please just make this last forever?

If you can leave that easily
then I can walk away just as fast.
Watch me.

The tide is high but i'm moving on.

Ahh! :)

I caught myself before I regreted.
That is, for now.
What about the rest of my life?
Oh fuck, and the rest of the names?

unraveling truths.

It's like watching your favorite movie. The one where to lead actress is living the life you want without any expense or sacrifice. When he smiles reliving a moment in another place, another foreign land, another place like no other, it makes me better. His exposure like no other. I've never been close to something so driven. It's incredible how ambitious your dreams can be, where they'll take you, what you'll share. I like sitting here listening to his stories. I enjoy feeling him awake my senses in ways that no other man could have ever done. In a sincere way without wanting anything in return. He inherits traits that I dream of having.
I won't have him for a long time; as he belongs to the world. But nothing has ever been set in stone.

keep coming back for more.

For the first time in a long time,I can shut my eyes peacefully.
Knowing I have been good to myself, the universe, and those I love-even those who have it out for me.
For the first time in a long time, I can stomach my imperfections. I can speak truths that don't hurt, I can begin change without making an excuse to hold me back. I'm not saying I have it all together.I just have a lot more faith in myself than I have in a long time.

But it seems that when i get on this road,
my name gets given away
and I tend to have a few bad apples trying to take me off track again..

heart matters.

With everyone going back to school, I'm a little sad that I am spending five days a week at Cineplex making minimum wage. It kinda makes me want to go back to school and take something else. I'm almost pretty sure that I want to take this flight attendant course (I just have to look into it more). I have been applying to a few jobs in the beauty industry once again. Ever since I quit Body Blitz I didn't really think about what I wanted to do. I guess I became a little too comfortable working at Cineplex. I have been there for over a year and have had the luxury of working with one of my closets friends (and some new cool ones too). I really didn't have a reason to want to find something else, really. I guess now I have an itch for something better. I wouldn't quit Cineplex. However, I would make my focus around my Esthetics job.

Spending this entire long weekend in Toronto while everyone else went away gave me the opportunity to really reflect and figure out what I need to do in order to achieve tons of things I want. I'm starting off with taking care of myself much more than I have in the past. I recently started taking an hour before I go to bed to do all the girly things I use to love doing. I completely understand now why my previous clients love their facials so much. They're so therapeutical and uplifting! I took the time to look up some open groups to join and I have found four so far that look great. I signed up for two for the fall season. One which is a yoga group. I am so stoaked for it. I have yet to select my other group I want to join but I'm sure it's gonna be just as great. I've also begun walking and jogging around the neighborhood. I am not too much of a fan yet but I do tend to feel great once i'm done and I hit the shower. It's a great way to treat my body.

My next goal is to begin scrap booking again. I have everything set on my computer desk but I haven't had the itch to put together something I am proud of. Maybe I just have to get in there and create.

As you can see; there isn't much going on outside of me but there is plenty of change going on within me which I think my focus should be on from time to time. It still feels uneasy to pay this much attention to myself but i'm trying to sit with it.

Oh, and on a last note: I am reading this great book Fonna let me borrow by my favorite Author ; Augusten Burroughs "A Wolf At The Table" I am only on chapter three but so far, I am obsessed! I am not surprised at all. The Author has an amazing, beautiful, twisted way of putting his child hood on paper(memoir writer).

Anyways readers, I had no inspiration to create tonight.
So here's the sum up of my last days of summer.
I am thrilled for fall.

I joined.
I'm going to really try.
I'm not setting up any goals.
I am going to sit and listen and accept.
I'll jot it all down and cry if I must.
but i will not run away anymore.
I'm done running from who I am.

Learn to live half a life.