This can't last forever ...

I've just been trying to find a space that feels nothing less than perfection.

Where my day commences with love filled in the next room-scent of coffee and the singing I have always loved from the woman that shared her body with me. Or maybe the first glance of light being of the man that shares my bed and soul. I want nothing more than for the aroma of my existence to be a mix of joy, faith and intimacy like no other.

I want to re live the life I should have had after the production of my chromosomes. I know nothing of how a man glances at the mother of his children, nothing about the love a mother fosters into her rib cage the moment her womb becomes the root of a new beautiful world. The way she gives love to everything that was suppose to save her.

Being thirsty for love has to be one of the saddest realizations. The sensation that you carry in you everywhere, that you leave tainted in everything. It doesn't sit at your vacant address when there's no space for sorrow. Never does it terminate it's exchange of pain with one. It just rocks there so quietly; waiting for life to trigger the fuck out of you. And when it does, Her pipes burst into melodies too strong to comprehend. The pitch of her agony stings every nerve within me. It obtains all control of the word "Love".

[I WANT TO GET EVEN!] She befriends my ego. Almost a stronger match than the reckless mess that compiled me to a road with no direction; a train wreck meant to happen. United, they've erased my identity, my faith, my longing for more than this life. Dozens of endings, bitter beginnings, and no consistency but the drugs that are holding this canvas rock steady.

All I've been asking for is a space where my reflection isn't so hard to digest, where the sound of my voice won't electrify me, where who they made me and what i've created for my life; fits. Fits the puzzle that never feels will be complete.

Strapped to my chest

Heartbroken because of my defeats. These boys have yet again to make it a smooth trail of sun flowers and star light leading me through the forest of all my ruins. Constantly trying to connect to your being primarily seems as hard as me searching for God. Maybe both are just as taboo. Isn't it faith I lack in both of you? Records that will never have solitary truth? 

But missing the connection between my safety and haven comes with a price of sacrifice and compromise. Compromises outside of my jurisdiction. I don't mean to be reluctant but the beat to my heart feels as if its touching foreign grounds. 

Praying is the only way I feel connected to my plee, to my faith in knowing if you just practiced me, you'd never question the universes conspiracies. 

A whole lotta love

I just want to take a moment to give gratitude; something I lack to do most times. 

I'm beyond blessed to have such a strong, beautiful team of people in my life loving me and supporting me constantly. 

I know I've lost direction .. And along with that, I've lost a lot of my own self, my beliefs even traits that were thrilling.

I'm trying to find a way back to basics. To find the true power of love to move me again. And I promise that all the love you guys offer me , is waking me up again. 

to the beautiful people that make my life so much more worth it <3 

"Write something beautiful, Mel"

I'm not sure if it''s quite possible right now. But we can start with my heart and it's yearnings. My hearts heavy and it's broken. It's constantly dancing its way through the next rhythm featured in the chronicles of my life. I feel defeated. Defeated by the way the hearts suppose to know what to want. I feel my body taking new form, adapting to this modified way of living. I can't tell you how i'm feeling when all my heart can sense is dispear. I long for the day my home waits for my spirit, the harvesting that will result in nutrition for my body, the wind that blows with the whisper of what peace might just be like. Finally, territory that I can say belongs to me and will never be robbed from me again.

Readers , 

I really should be writing right now. I'm in the most transformation of my life. My hearts changing. 

Darte la espina

Solo le pido al tiempo que me robe las ganas de besarte. Sentir una ves mas, el perfecto aire de nuestras aromas. Pasar por el tiempo como el aire que respiro. No lo olvides, to me amas mucho mas.

Love me tender.

The way I act around me, so different around me. I love this inner peace that rushes through me as the stars shoot at the sky and reflects onto my night. Love is beautiful you know- and if you really stop to think about it, interconnected with my entire desire to be alive. I can't help the pleasure of emotions twisting and amplifying brighter than light. I can't ever show you the glow its left around my entire essence. To need this much love and have it given, I've tasted heaven.

Just a taste ..

It's the wind speaking again. Advising me of the storm that's about to dawn on my days. I'm not sure how I lost sight. How I jumped ship so unexpectedly. I'm so sad to not feel you, so lonesome when I'm near you. You don't know what I've put myself through. What I'm about to do us two. 

engrey.

I've been listening to the sound of the leaves between the sound of the wind this morning. There's a scent of fall in the air, it makes me excited. I miss layering on clothes, and wrapping myself in blankets. I'm ready to hibernate for the bad weather and just lay still. I want rainy days like today and breezy afternoons. Tea on my porch with music surrounding my thoughts. I want no interactions but the heartbeat of my asia and my own. Just listening to the thunder Gods and maybe my heavnily father. How can a heart be cold stonded but still pump this much blood for you?

Lonestar

Im not quite sure if we're really in it together. Got me feeling like a felon in the peak of dawn. I can't please you. I don't feed your body the same way I use to. Oh, I'm in distraught. 

 I wouldn't count that the shore will over see this ride of waves. Waves that no longer move me. My hearts heavy. 

how could i want more?

In this moment.

There hasn't been a minute that I haven't thought of writing but I always seem to lose my thoughts when putting them down. It's been a quiet summer, filled with some fun as I attempt to establish myself at a new job, I'm still nesting in my apartment that I moved into 3 months ago, and of course, nourishing my relationship has been top priority.

I've been quite successful with this garden of mine that i've put together in the past month or so. I have already been able to enjoy two batches of the lettuce I grew, and now my sunflowers are getting stronger and taller; I can't wait for them to bloom in JulyAugust. I've also been enjoying the beautiful flowers that have been growing in the backyard such as roses, geraniums and tulips. Have I mentioned that I have a beautiful wall and ceiling of grape vines growing all around my patio and seating area and I just can't get enough! It's been the perfect spot for anything still and soothing.

Stephen and I just celebrated our official first year together. We kept it simple and sweet with A sushi lunch after finishing my shift, followewd by an evening walk in my new neighborhood. There isn't enough words to describe how lucky I feel to have somebody like him by my side. He's been an incredible friend even in moments I didn't deserve and from that we've established roots that found love in deep places within me where I didn't ever think I could love the way I do now. I can't wait for what the universe has in store for us.

As always, life has obstacles that get in the way from celebrating a thankful life. I am on a pursuit for gratitude for the things that have made their way into my life and have added flavor to my journey. It's this moment as I write this on paper and make it real that has dedicated me to documenting my discoveries. In this moment, I feel alive - even with the good and the bad.

Tonight I realized that I have a wicked soul in the deep core of it all. 

Sin-cere

My hearts been feeling heavy lately. I wish there was a way I could heal the people I love from the things that try to break their spirits apart. I've learned that the world is a crazy, mystical place and it loves playing roulette. Nothing is permanent and by the time you are settling into great opportunities and stillness, a storm comes along and swallows our shores. I might not be making much sense. Then again, matters of the heart are always wordless, for the most part.

I'm watching my family finally identifying with their past. I guess we can only run so long from what makes us human, what makes us strong. We take such a good amount of time creating this false sense of identity to expose to the world that we don't realize how much of our natural human instincts we keep tucked away underneath layers of memories and trauma.

Love has found a way to destroy lovers from what they remember. Nobody has an idea anymore as to what keeps them moving in life, what makes them want to reach for the sky, No idea how to give the heart what it wants and still be embraced unconditionally by those that leave us dry. I, myself feel disconnected from such beautiful souls. To pronouncate the same values that I held onto so tightly now, seems forced. It feels as somebody as taken a blow to my truths. To almost everything that made me whole.

I suppose these are life trails. So they say. And the intention always is to come back to balance. Maybe I lost balance when I decided to love without restrictions, without care for the consequences, withou thinking who I was loving and how much it would rob away from my core.

I long for a heart that can cure itself from all the damage that this world has left on us. I beg that my spirit remains wild as I find the rhythm to the body I was introduced to. I yearn for a peace so deep within me that finally lets me find a light within the darkness.

Anchor my soul.

When you put your arms around me, as we watch tides hit her body as the wind gets stronger; it feels like a blessing to be this alive. The amount of infinity that sits around us leaves me speechless. Words aren't needed here, the peace that the current takes with it is therapeutical. My spirit flys free here, between stories and exploration. I've never known so clearly how lucky I am. To be breathing with purpose, to be still between love, to watch millions of once upon a time galaxies all above me. I feel like I'm looking at heaven. Fear has no space this far away from shore. 

Sleepless and sky high, all I want to do is fall asleep in your arms and continue sailing across waters, being more infatuated with the idea of a great escape. Id sing my heart out across the ocean, I'd cry my eyes out when i couldn't sense my core, I would take a million photos and write a dozen short stories until I couldn't create no more. I'd escape anywhere, as long as I could have you to call home. 

Soul Meets Body.

Good souls never get a chance to evolve into everything their meant to be. I think life is cruel like that. Takes away the things that really make us glow inside. The good, kind hearted spirits that teach us valuable lessons at seven teen and make us forget about the boy in high school when you were fifthteen. Good souls never make it. Sometimes I think that hearts can't hold so much love.

It's hearing about the guy who you never got the chance to know that breaks my heart. To think, I've exchanged my history with his entity. I've laughed, and ran and gotten sky high with you but never finding out what really ate you on the inside. It's hearing you pleed for humility and had I known it was because of personal misery.

You did leave your mark as you had always aimed for. I'm thankful to have stumbled upon you-never forgotten, always remembered with the biggest of smile! RIP Patty.

Direct - ion.

I miss my soul, my sprit , the passion I had that served me for greatness. I miss the way I use to laugh, how I would get lost in the story of somebodies history. I can't find solidation from the things that twirl and spin within my mind. I'm every decision I've taken; every chapter I have turned. 

Tu.

" Por que Eres tu mi sol, la fe con que vivo; Los pies con que Camino . Eres mis ganas de reir. No podre vivir sin ti ". 

Bloody hell!

The saddest thing that could ever possibly happen, happened today. I got logged off tumblr and since I use an old email address and I don't remember either password of my log ins.

I just lost 3 years of my life :( I had writing on there.

God knows i've tried.

all ive ever wanted is to be woman. to feel my heart alive, my body capable, my mind smart enough to understand the difference between right and wrong, good and bad. Balance has been my only key to freeing myself from the past. And I can't find it. I dig for it, plot for it, go on a massive persuit just to taste it. I don't care which way the wind decides to blow, or how many trials I fail at; It only comes down to the woman I can hold up, how strong I can love, how solid my words pronounce.

and lately i am scared. of everything and everyone outside of me. To stand up for my self , my self (l0ve). My fear is stronger than my will for peace. Letting go has always been my downfall. a prisioner of yesterday's.

Lay off.

So, you'll probably hear from me a bit more now a days. I'm healing from an injury that is ridiciously small yet is stopping me from being on my feet. I'm suppose to be resting it, which i am. However, it feels impossible to not be able to do much for myself. Great thing for beautiful, warmer weather. It has definately helped maintain my spirits.

We will see how things unfold.

Rainy Friday.

That moment when you see that your strong at the things you claim to love. My thing is always the one I love. It's my principle and I abide by it. 

#myhardworkispayingoff 

You've run away with all my love. You've taken along all my secrets. I just hope your heart remains being the safe of stories that I treasured so tightly.

Patria .

I'm not sure where I stand anymore. Which way the wind blows, or how to even get home. I just know that this isn't the life I had intended for. I wanted something much bigger than minimal interaction and one sided sorta love. I wanted to feel entitled to triumph, devoted to the growth my heart yearned for. There's such a thing as ego that has destroyed about everything that I have ever loved in my life. It has raped my family to shreds, taken hostage of the children who roamed between sheets at night. Has evicted any given man that has ever felt connected with my entity.

There's no way really to explain the clash there is between wanting to create life and having it destroyed before my eyes/ The world has become the enemy of anything ever lasting. We've turned against our mother land and our siblings. We have governments trying to restrain to the lands of our fathers that we've always known as sanctuary. There is nothing to teach our children, there's no example set aside to explain purity. The numbers of death speak power, the amount of profit in the stock market demonstrates entitlement, The colour of our sisters skin will define her worth.

My child will never understand love between nations, the flavor of foods, the taste of the oceans that divide us from our roots. Never will it understand the power of prayer. The emotion of passion or the sound of their very own soul. Sand and particles will never touch these beautifully combined chromosomes. Never will languages be taught inside our walls, How will dinners be seasoned, Where will I attain rhythm to pass onto the curves my child will possess?

Love or something like it.

I know how to tuck myself away between your warmth and it has never felt so sweet. I love the man that you set out to be-The man you've said to set out to be. I've learned plenty about kindness and humility by your side; Noise is as loud as one makes it.

But we both know what can happen when I don't feel you indulge inside the curves and waves of the woman that sits within me. I've yearned for love making that escapes me from my past, that detoxifies my body from the sins of yesterdays mistakes.

I want to discover treasures in barcelona, I'd like to capture moments in greece, swim beneath deepest oceans and sail across the most mystical seas. I wouldn't ever want to take you away from your mother's birth land or the roots of your youth.

I'd love to harvest below a land that says our name with the running of the wind. We could build fences, and raise cows, come alive with the roosters and the hens every morning day. I would sing our first born to sleep as I watched you pick apples from the the most strongest, sweetest trees.

Lately it's all felt like wishful thinking and one sided pursuing. I'm not sure if i'm feeling these fumes with limbo or if you're still standing in the same place, asking for my hand in full matronmony. I wouldn't want the universe taking you away. But I shouldn't have to sell my dreams for your fears.

Love living inside of me, as I love living within you.

Flow.

>

Turn over.

I have a thirst that's fist clenching, a dehydration that is using up all my preservatives, an appetite that is leaving me gasping for the most tender and richest of spices and textures. Finally, I feel my body craving the nutrition that it's lacked. Harvesting my desires, turning over soil to the better-messy side of things.

Where had all of me gone? I was developing instincts I didn't recognize within me. Conforming into this mutated of a human; I can't even begin comprehending. Noise became my most safest custom. I drew close to hearts that didn't tell much, hearts that were greater than life, hearts that just hadn't found the chanting of their beat. I didn't know how people could live this way. Live with no voice, no direction, no realism.

I just wanted you to feel the way you made me feel when I felt I had found more than just geography. I needed to return the ransom for saving the life of a girl that had everything to lose and nothing to attain. At least all the noise made me believe so. I wanted nothing but to give you back the life you had woken up between the spaces I always filled up with sadness and depression. Fuck, did It feel so good to see the way you'd look at me, the sound of your voice was taking the air right out of my lungs.

I thought I knew what I was doing when I told you that I just couldn't live without you. I truly believed in the fire that was burning through my entity. All you ever did was play with the pieces of me. Throwing around insecurities and hours that turned into days. Days that broke away at the skeleton I felt you could see right into.

To feel like you've found balance and then have it ripped right away from you. I can only think it's the most biggest tease of life. I had just started living.

I wish for you to finally , listen.

two.

These are some of the coldest nights without a doubt! Staying warm appears to be the objective. I'm already done with this week. So far; it's a new year, i've failed at two resolutions and i'm not as feeling sparkly as I did before the New Year hit. But is it all just my own state of my mind? OR is it really the anti holiday blues?

I really don't know what to share except for the amazing things that flow through my mind. Lately the most important thing to me seems to be getting the hell out of Toronto. I'm blessed and I love my city but to me, there isn't anything I can give back in a population that follows a personal agenda. I want to know what harvesting my own magics would do for my life, I would love to demonstrate self sustaining. I could only photograph the best smiles and the sweetest fruits. I know that out there, there exists so much more than what were told we can reach.

In the type of world that we are living in right now, my only resolution is to not need more, but learn to be blessed with less.

I promise to live my life for all the things i never stop believing in