Genesis something something.

They told me to express it: write it out, make a story, burn the evidence. But I can't seem to do so. I don't want to share you with material, don't wanna evict you from the only place that I feel comforted enough to call home. To keep you locked beneath the self healing and reassurance of lies is all I know and I don't wanna let it go. You are real within me. You take naps inside my heart and water the garden that swirls inside of me. You feed the root of my purpose and you grow fruits of my hard labor. Together we are like the two that once were the first. To name the first creations, to be so bliss and later commit ourselves to eternal sin. That's who I am with you . I wanna drown in the consequences of the forbidden tree.

Help Me.

I honestly can't take this stress of money anymore. I feel I have too much on my plate. I can't juggle work, school, school events, etc. What happened to my date alone today? I need to work this event but i need to be at work. Watch, I'm gonna get fired. Fired for having no idea that it was tomorrow and trying to commit to my school. It's also as if all the important things aren't even available to me anymore because i'm too busy and according to you i've changed.

Fuck.
I hate this bull.

You Move Me.

you may sometimes question or doubt it, but you are truly inspiring. you are at the transformation from a boy into a man but your years are beyond your physical self. You light up a room with your presence and let's not forget your wisdom. I am honored to have you be a part of my chaotic, wild and complicated life. You have taught me that there's a place for everyone. Even for those that feel there's no where to fit into. You've showed me that being different has beauty and that scars are an incentive rather than a imperfection. Everything that you are going through is all going to be a reminder of how much you were able to come through in order to share yourself with others. Happy 20th Birthday Mikey Boy. I love you so much and so greatful for everything you have contributed to my life! You have shown me how strong a relationship can be, you have helped me prove to myself that there is such thing as purity in love, a selfless act that helps me take another breath everyday.

Living the life I love.

Man, am I tired! What a week I had. I was pretty busy trying to step up my game at school. I got into huge trouble with the school director and got warned about my attendance. I'm pretty much trying to stick to my talk. Yesterday I had back to back clients. Don't get me wrong I like being busy but I hate it that I could have had some time to catch up on my theory and that wasn't possible because there are people in my program that refuse to do clients. I, myself have denied clients but not at the rate that this one person in particular does. It's getting old and honestly the extra workload isn't fair to the rest of the girls there. So : I think I am accepting this stupid phobia of feet! I was able to do two pedicures yesterday and it wasn't that bad. I've learned that as long as I have stomached something before doing the treatment i'm pretty set. I gave Alex is lovely manicure lol. He was quite a lady with all his gossiping and updates. Slava later came in with his girlfriend and i gave him a back massage. Body so far as been my favorite part of the course but I am getting excited for waxing. I am just nervous about bikini waxing and lots of hair. I also learned how to do gel set nails. It's not part of the program but our new director lady use to own a nail spa and was kind enough to show us. I mean, the stuff for nails already comes in our kits and for what I am paying for that damn kit I might as well get all my moneys worth. Plus I think the demand is huge in fake nails so this should be good. So far I have down: body massages, body wraps, paraffin treatments for feet and hands, manicures, pedicures, and make up. Next is waxing and skin (facials and acne treatment). I am almost done!

Work had me mad. I just didn't wanna be there. I was pretty upset at myself for that. I really enjoy what I do. I love being that busy and challeneged, even though I haven't really made any friends I do have a few cool people I talk to, I had pretty good guests last night. Two of them made my night. So, by the end of my shift.. even though I was exhausted I was pretty bubbly.

My house is upside down. I have been rearranging stuff and throwing stuff away. Also been looking around for what I am going to sell at the garage sale that me and Fonna have planned this summer. I want to get some stuff from Ikea but I was under the impression that my pay was going to be a lot better so that is stopping me at the moment. I also wanted to go shopping for some spring things I need. I don't know whih one to pick: Ikea or a trip to orfus?

On a last note. I should be heading into the shower soon. I have a birthday party to go to with Anthony. Call me a nerd but I get excited to go to these things. Kids are so care free and always make me feel alive. I hope I enjoy myself. I also work tonight. I am not even gonna bother trying to trade shifts with somebody cause to be honest, I highly doubt anyone even knows who I am. Some still get my name wrong. HELLO, i wear a nametag! Anyways, that's all.

Ps. I brought all my nail stuff home. So, if someone is down for some treatment or whatever call me Sunday. I will put reasonable prices or negociate something.

P.P.S. Oh, I got my sheet of places where I get 50% discounts FOREVER: Sally is one of them :)

Okay, now i'm really done. Till the next one.

Lets Make It Up.

I know I haven't updated. But lord do I have a lot to tell. Thing is, I can't quite go there. I think this blog has gotten to public and personally, I don't want it coming back at me in the long run. Truth me told though, Life is hectic.. Without people. Can you believe it? On another note i'm learning that loss is such an opportunity for growth. I think that's what has me pushing lately. I've been in a very solitude state of mind but I think that looking out for myself and being selfish is getting me somewhere. I am devoting more time to the things I want. In the words of a beautiful teacher: I am being kind and gentle with myself. :)

Gut feelings do get you somewhere. After choices are made off of them, things get a bit easier every single day. I am thankful for my gut feelings. I am not chasing the current for shits and giggles anymore.

My standards have naturally gone up. Is this bad? I don't think so. I don't settle anymore. I go for things that seem worth it and I don't just try it out for the sake of it. I must be sure. Or atleast close to it.

With all that said and done. I'm disapointed that my change has resulted in harsh arguements, disagreements, neglection, and smack talking. One thing i've learned is: you don't need to change friends if you can understand friends change. That goes for family too.

Yup, that's my update for now.
I'm making up hours @ school and my client should be here soon.
That last Pedi almost killed me ! Ew, feet... .

The End for now. <3

Happy Mama's Day.

Even though I'm not a big fan. I gotta say, I love my mommy! So, Happy 20th Mother's Day mother of mine and in two days Happy 39th Birthday =]

Sunday Blues.

I gotta make this one short as I am on my way to work soon. Well first off, i don't wanna go to work. I'm kinda disgusted with Cineplex at the moment. I know it was my fault for not putting a lock on my locker but I figured I could have more faith in my coworkers to not steal from me. Sad part is, there is nothing I can do about it. Those were like my last $30 until I got paid. and I needed them for something really important. Saturdays turn out wasn't as hyped as I thought it would be. I have a lot of thinking to do. Let's just say that. Another week of school tomorrow, lovely (Y). I can not get back into the cycle. My sleeping has been messed, my priorities are all over the place. I need something to balance and ground me. Ideas anyone? That's all for now. Same shit, new day.

Hate.

that's all i wanna have for you. i'm so angry at you. so angry at myself. i just wanna move on. i wanna forget you. I can't even look this guy in the face and tell him no. because even if i say otherwise. i am making him pay for your mistakes.

thanks.

Relationships.

I've become too comfortable by myself. I realize this now. I am okay being where I am. But see, I go to an extreme. Now I can't even comprehend being with somebody. It just doesn't make sense to me. I feel as if i'm selling myself short by being with someone. Maybe it's true. Maybe I was always in love with love. Or maybe I just still love him. Please don't let it be the second. I couldn't stand him winning anymore. It's funny how the soul works.

Shout out.

Oooh. So you think i'm lying. Gotcha! You think they stay loyal to me because I fill their minds with what I want them to hear and not the truth? According to you, what's the truth? What?.. That I asked for it Because I did it first? Please. Save me the bullshit, really. You had a choice. What is that? No man will ever stick around? And this is coming from the one that refuses to commit? Let me tell you something. I have a million and one things wrong with me and guess what? Each one makes me beautiful and diverse. I have grown from them and I have I turned them into my driving force. Showing vulnerability and living up to my sins isn't weakness. A man who needs to put his fist in a woman's face and knock her down when she needs you around is the weakness. The coward that probably learned from the root of his household, who knows. A coward that hides behind a mask of fronting in order to survive. Not willing to show his true colours and live up to his wrong doings. Pathetic you are. With all your lies and low self esteem. That you needed to break me down in order to set yourself free. And you aren't like him, really? You aren't. JUST LIKE HIM. Men like you deserve to suffer. Thinking about it. I meant it and gave myself the biggest salvation at the same time. I hope you drown with all your problems. You sincerely deserve it.

A dash of the darkness.

There are some things that not even time can erase and other things that will never fade. They reside in steps from your memory and wait upon the weakest moments to indulge with you. Pressed against a wall with no where to go. I closed my eyes tight and tried not to breath but he sniffed me out and I knew he had me from the get go. His shingles were hard to manage and walking on such delicate surface with no shoes made it even harder to not go manic. What made me your target? Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't want you pulling this shit on any girl. But.. was my odor that bait? How easy was I?

Busted.

I can't even process it. Can't even find logic behind it. Was I tripping that bad? That words or feelings were too much for my heart to handle? I went down hard! No net to catch me what so ever. I saw you and I crashed in a million little pieces. And through all of it I tried to look like I had it together. Like I knew what I was doing and absolutely nothing happened. But your name continued finding its way to my being and I'd need another hit of something to make me forget I ever crossed eyes on you. I went backwards babe, just for you. In another life, you would've been so proud of yourself. So self acomplished to have seen how you got to me again. Not this time around. It doesn't even phase you. Tell me how this girl still had the nerve to not walk. To sit there and smile. Yup, that was my front. To hide every reaction my body was holding. But as I sat there I contemplated my entire destructive scenario. I was planning it by the second. Don't believe me? I can show you.