Love sometimes dies, forever.

you scare me. you ask me to let myself go. i can not.
you are too close to home. You remind me of the things i was meant to forget.
Love's got a new definition in my book. rides along with a new swag from time before.
i wish i could just pretend i am okay. allow myself to maybe find wants i've always wanted. But i can not. he's made it hard to. Try if you please.
you have a lot of work cut out for you.

Be Still.

and that's what it feels like cutting you out.
It doesn't feel like bullets, doesn't remind me of pain,
doesn't hold a grip around my throat nor does it second guess me anymore.
I feel the sand between my toes, i see the horizon, i hear the laughter.
And I know a new day is coming. That won't require for me to settle for less.
For me to love more than I should. It tells me to hold my own and always remember your name.

Graduation = Success So Far.

There's too much to say. I still can't find words. But let me share some photos from this night. I find some hilarious (and Rated R).

Truth and Time.

And though I feel i lose it more by the seconds. I promise I really try to look back and smile at all the memories we once shared. But life makes us evolve and we find ourselves transforming into new people. I guess friends do change. I guess love does some silly things to us. I know it did to me. And I was never the same again.

God , I miss us.

I give up and no, it's not a bad thing.

Just a reminder: The way you're going. You're not gonna have anything left by the end of it. Love just holds you up for so long. 1.I'm worried for you 2. You disgust me at this point and 3. you just have mother issues. I'm moving on with or without you. It's your choice to follow along. I've just played this game before and I know where it leaves you. I can't watch.

Hay Amores.

far away, beyond miles of the sea; I've found sanctuary. In the mornings I wake up to the sound of waves hitting rocks, I walk into a view that takes a good minute to grasp onto. Dressed down in over sized ponchos and espresso's every morning, I can easily make this my religion. I hear Spanish guitars down my the water, i smell fresh baked bread, I touch the face of seven lives; she gets my blissful thinking. My smile no longer is an accessory, my body no longer feels the need to hide behind layers of bulletproof vests. I don't forget you, or her, or them. I honor your memories, I grasp on tightly to your lessons. But you see, I live for me now and this is where I belong. In the mist of millions of Spaniards finding their way home, of tourists finding a purpose in their life, of lovers trying to keep the flame burning. In the evenings I make my way down this beautiful road in Valencia, I come across the gypsy of the night who repeats her story of a lost love. I smile at her, I have full belief in her. I see the crowd taking in life; Flamingo dancers allowing you into their bodies, telling a story along with the music and the way they move their hips. I find a seat along with my wine. I dont need my six senses, all I need is my body to feel the music rush through me. The way love once use to. & suddenly. I feel you again. Like the night we gave ourselves to one another, the night you made all my pain go away.

God damn you.

i almost buy it. Really, i do. I see you fronting as if it's okay to walk away with everything we use to be. You got it covered underneath the rug. Your swag doesn't impress me. You see, girls like me know what fakes look like. We aren't so different. And no, you aren't perfect. God gift to woman? Not even close babe.
Then there's you. You showed him all he knows? It's because of you he broke out of his shell of insecurity? Yeah, guess who gets to pay for that. He's not even close to fixed. He's a million little pieces broken apart. You've created a monster dressed the part of fantasy. He stenches of blood. He wears my bruises more vividly than I do. He feels my pain every time his legs find my ribs. "Fuck You" "FUCK YOU". I don't take it personally anymore. He wasn't talking to me, he was hating on she. I gave him somewhere comfortable to fight away his fears. I was the hotel room that carried his infidelities night after night. I was the canvas that he painted on. Tell me now because i'm dying to know. Can you tell a part what he pretends to be for you? Can you see his flaws?

Equations Were Never My Strong Place.

i speak what i know, and i stay silent in things that i just can not care for. It's funny how when you become true to yourself the world turns its back on you. Who are you anymore? I don't know you. It's funny how a couple makes you change so much. I hate knowing I was like that. It disgusts me. If I was you I would have never given me a second chance. What I don't say are things that will hurt you. Other times, it's things I can't bare leave my lips. So I sit here and i watch you. I watch everything. The way you move to the music, to his voice, to the void she fills inside of you. and I wonder. Where did I go? who am i without you? & why do I see so much of me in you now? i'll continue to shift in my seat as lonely leaves you alone. As I become nothing more but a memory. My dignity is okay with that at this point.

Morning Residue.

you kiss my cheek gently as i push you away. "give me 5 more mins"
you attempt to wrap your arms around me and i aggressively turn around swearing that i'll mold myself to this cold, wooden wall.
You whisper in my ear, i smile just a little, you breath gently down my neck.
You got me.
I turn to you. Open one eye just to be safe and I welcome your good morning with a kiss of relief, arms gripped tight on your body. I need to know this is not another dream within a dream.
Every inch of my senses is waking up. Like metal to magnet they find your mold and I melt within my sheets, I find last nights trigger points, and kiss the broken one more time.
You set me free. Even if it's for a day.
You make me forget, I melt away from the world.
You're the closet to home that i'll ever be.
Love has nothing to do with it.
Just a need to be needed, a desire to be desired, a wanting to be wanted.

Rough Kinda Love Game.

right between my legs.
wax dripping down my back.
my fingerprints engraved on your chest.
the moans get louder, the stimulation beyond orgasmic.
you're pulling my hair like you own me.
have my eyes covered shut.
I bit my lips.
you make me wanna..
break all my walls down, all my defenses.
I go crazy.
You're drenching sweat, you're panting hard.
I can feel you tense up inside of me,
i have never felt you so inside.
Love me a little boy, give me more to come back for.
Tell me i'm yours only.
Nobody will ever have me like you.
They can't fake it like you do.

Miss those days.

SS/BH/NH.

+ You are like the stench of bad milk
- Old, dirty laundry
+ Like the smell of morning breath
- The odor of tobacco on my clothes

; guess that's what i call home.
explains the destructiveness.

A dream within a dream .

I came across some stories, some memories and now i'm with eyes wide open. You see, you and I are a lot a like. I'm not ashamed to say it. We lost feeling in our core and found something bigger than us, something with a name, some chaotic place that we called home. What we did with it was unimaginable. We weren't part of the master plan. Meeting one another was a mistake, falling in love with you a sin. They do say you pay for everything in life. Well tell me how you're bluffing then. Because it's beyond my unreasonable mind. I'm blown away by the haunting of you, by the way you still sneak into me and pronounce my name, how you mold yourself into another and touch me just the way you use to.

You know.. I play pretend;

I have tea with you every evening,
I tell you about my day,
& I kiss you goodnight and sing a lullaby to your name.

Remember always.
you'll never get my kinda love.
they won't.
Not even God can.
That's how I know.
I got you for the rest of my days.
I made mistakes along the way.
Yes, this is true.
But I swore to hold you down forever.
& I promise .. . that's exactly what i'll do.


I'll always, A L W A Y S belong to you.
Only u

xx