Can't.

i just wanna be enough. enough for you, enough for me.
i don't wanna question it anymore.
i am who i dream to be.
everything is everywhere but no where.
the way that i am; i want to love it.
see the core of me and guarantee me endless love.
i miss feeling alive.
intoxicated with embrace and gentle lips.

<3

"Lets play the humming game"

to think that you loved me. We use to be so close. We held each other together when everything around us was falling apart. I was so proud to call you blood. I protected you through everything. You were my joy. I was so determined to be the best at something.. anything! Just so you'd look up to me.

So what happened. Where did we fade? Because now that I need you, you tell me that you feel nothing for me. You don't get it. Nobody does. I feel as if i'm under you. I'm knocking on your window, i'm asking you to see me. Do me this solid. I need you this time. Save me from myself.

But you don't see me.
you don't love me.
you blame me upon other things.


We were inseperable. We had our own made up world.
Nothing could touch us. We refused for the bullshit to get in the way.

Now I've lost you to age and realism,
while i'm stuck being 7 years old.

I give up on this whole blue print.
Pathetic to think I had a chance.

This moment in time;

I wish for your body holding me tight in this bed as we listen to the words of our favorite band. I wish we'd go from strangers to friends and so forth. I wanna let you into my heart. I'll keep my eyes wide open. I promise not to blink. But I just want you to tell me you aren't going to save me but you are going to get me. I already loved you even before I knew you existed. Just when I had shaken hands with love and taken a new direction. I wish for the most gentle kiss. The most simple words. Then i'll know what it feels like to be awake.

Possiblities.

baby you're beautiful. I wish for the permission to give myself to you. But you are too close to comfort and that my friend is entering a territory too over populated for even you. I have faith you could save my life. I wish you'd put your pupils towards the focus. I would never let you down.


xox

The Skit.

It's all getting in the way because you have come into my life and blown me away. It's the little girl demonstrating how much strength she'll always have over the rest of my life. What rest of my life? It ended 12 years ago. Take it if it means so much to you. Just leave me alone!

she's a mess.
she's a mess.
she's a mess.
she's a mess.
she's a ?

The Fame.

Outside i'm presentable. I come off up pretty main stream.
The moment I open my mouth you second guess me.
Then there's the moment I let a secret slip.
After a few too many drinks the monster unleashes.
I'm not what appears to be.
Behind the shutters I fall apart.
I have a story that I don't even know the ending to.
There are scars in between my curves.
Bruises on top of laugh lines.
Tears tangled within my hair.
I come off clean but my front is cheap.
My drive in being normal is unrealistic.
This is who I am.
These memories.
These men.
These rejections.
These addictions.

I wouldn't have it anyway.
Disaster is what I call home.

What the shutter captured.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath and fade in with the wind. I can feel the sand between my toes. I have never been so care free. I thank the sea, thank the sun, thank the sky for giving me such serenity. I have never felt so perfect than I do at this very moment in time. It is here that I understand why life took the turns it did. For the first time ever I don't want more. I am exactly where I wanna be. I am content. I can feel your arms finding their hands around my waste. I can feel your lips making their way up my shoulders to my neck. I kiss your forehead gently and find my place within your canvas. We talk about everything, we talk about nothing, we laugh, we play, we live.

Spiced Rum

I never could of imagined having more than a physically connection to you. The one that unleashes us within the sheets, the one that makes me melt right through the moans. I never could of imagined more of an attraction than the one i feel when i'm gripping tight onto you just to feel like i'm alive. Tonight was different. I have never felt you more inside of me. You were catching on to facts that go unsaid, you were placing the cards on the table, you even caught me on my front and did it burn. Finally, you set us right leaving aside your power trip or ego. Baby, truth is I knew this all along. Where we stand is fine with me. But you see the issue lies within my legs, inside my heart and in between my pupils. It's the things you only heard of but never saw. I just feel beautiful when you're inside of me. I get those girls to an extent. Having labels being spat at them. There's a reason behind every action. My action has a story. But there I go. Not being able to be satisfied with respect & rawness in front of me. I always have to go back for more. I guess i'm just waiting for you to save from the rest but truth is your job is done here. Your mission, aborted.

In another life.

Woah. Tonight, you blew my mind.
I saw stars, I heard birds, I reached an enlightenment beyond belief.
Amazing.<3

Madre Es Para Siempre.

MAYBE.. it's all the mothering that's going on around me. I got this feeling inside that no amount of counselling will ever get my heart right back on track from the dysfunction that you still cause me even at the age of 20. No amount of apologizes will ever make me understand you, not even if you could rewind time and give me back years of my child hood. Even if you let me borrow your eyes so you could see what he did. I wish you could put my shell to your ears; maybe you'd hear the sea. All I know is. Eventually, i'll do it right. My off springs will love me, will want to call me, will never look at me with shame. I will sign that contract with blood and swear to be a mother until the end of my days. I will guard their hearts, save them from as much pain as possible. But most importantly: show them how much I love them. & that nothing.. NOTHING comes before them. - Nada.

Fantasy.

i miss you so much. and it kills me to see you with her. But i now know that i have made the right choice. Eventually, I would have acted on my impulses and caught us in a stupid affair of wrong choices. I hate her more. I hope she knows how good she has it. I hope she expires in your eyes pretty soon too.

boy meets girl.
boy falls for girl.
girl falls for other boy.
audience falls for boys charm.

Welcome back, bitch.

like i just haven't learned. i caved and now i'm apart of this show again. Good riddance. I refuse to stop this time. Sometimes you can't find what's meant to be and right now it seems as if this road is where i'm about. ha, to think i was worth something. Welcome to the freak show.