Break even.

Some days, are easier than others. Other days I find myself wanting to write you letters that have no ending. Letters that explain why I did things the way I did. Apologies possibly between words explaining how I wish it didn't come down to this. I have moments where my chest just aches. I just wanna break down wherever and explode in a rage of tears I fight from time to time. Other days I can walk with my head held high. Happy at the women i'm becoming. Because despite all these mix feelings i'm having with this lesson, I know this is the best for me.

I can write numbers of endless possibilities we could have had, memories we might have created, stories we could have shared.
Some days are easier than others.

...Tonight has been dreadful, sad, lonely.
But tomorrow is a new beginning and i'm ready. Pretty set, that my paint brushes will find space on this used up canvas.

I don't do it for fun of how it looks.
There can be moments where it needs to belong to someone else.
Sometimes it doesn't find vocabulary that can cultivate the amount of breaths and nudges it takes to shake it off. I started by telling a story that I assumed would find its course. But it hasn't. Instead, it took on a language of its own.

Let me in.

maybe we are making love out of something at all.
You've found a way to kill the pain.
He doesn't cross my mind when you're inside of me, I don't hear his voice when your whispering into my ear. Your lips unseal my most beautiful fantasies.
My pulse races along with the movement of your body, your making me open up more than I've ever let a man see.
It almost felt natural. Like i've been reading directions wrong and this is where our pieces meet. It usually doesn't start off this way.

Bittersweet.

You left me no choice.
There really wasn't much to think about.
you didn't benefit me, you definitely didn't compliment me.
You were more of a con artist. Sucking life from me.
Taking all the energy I had for you and using it to rip me in two.
But I now see the light, see the beauty in ruins.

I found a place to hold my head up high, my words can echo and my smile can shine bright. I found a crack between the chaos and see growth from miles away.
And it's moving to say , tonight I know I did my best. My best at this.
and if you sit there laughing at the clown you've used, that's completely fine with me. I have gained a perspective that puts me ahead of you, ahead of backstabbing imbeciles such as you.

Focus .

If that's how it goes, can we turn up the music? have another shot? get so lost in our laughter, take a few more drags, and hold me like your entire existence depends on it?
I now know it's one or the other and I doubt ill be able to stand being the other, again.

How much are you willing to share in order to learn the same truths?

It's interesting to see how much you care about yourself when you begin to care about somebody else.
It brings a new light into your own perception.

A new beat in my heart.

I can't sleep just yet. There's something on my mind.

I had a shitty day to say the least. But this isn't a rant about it. Instead, i'm gonna try something different. Bare with me if it makes no sense. You might have to re-read it a few times.

I got into a few discussions today that really bothered me. But the biggest one of all was with myself. I was determined to not pick at myself today for anything I found wasn't good enough. I found a few easy scenarios where I could of ripped myself apart but instead I did something different: I took care of myself.

I'm going through a lot of changes that have me breaking into tears but instead of sitting with my sorrow and self pity today I altered the mourning process differently. I decided to stop looking at what happened today for at least an hour and did something for me. It was so nice to see how easy it felt once I started to. It didn't even feel fake what so ever.

I don't have it down completely. I'm a beginner at this self love thing. I always pick it up and drop it after a few tries. I might even fail again. But I am learning that when it comes to myself and my well being. Well, I have to think of this moment in time. Tomorrow isn't granted to me.

Ever since I started eating better, taking care of my appearance and my mental health as well; My body feels rewarded. And trust me, it helps on days when you just feel the world crashing down on you. How can you alter your mind set if you're treating the body that holds your spirit so terribly?

Think about it.
It took me way too long to realize it.
<3

Live up to it.

I find it interesting that when a situation unfolds itself in front of me, I really don't know what direction to go into. That is, until it all comes to life through a dream. They say that what you dream of is really your sub conscious mind releasing what it won't allow to accept in your conscious state.

Last night I had a dream that was just way too real and way too self explanatory. Let's just say I wasn't happy at all with myself when I woke up this morning. I understand that i'm going to be releasing these thoughts and ideas in my mind because i am not expressing any of these thoughts in my life. So, I thought to myself: What am I going to do about it?

I've decided to take responsibility for this situation that has expanded in my life. I am responsible for the way I feel and I clearly don't like feeling this way. That being said, I've decided to clean up this dilemma and stand on my own two feet.

I know that it's going to be challenging but I read a quote that I feel I found at a good time. never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.”

I agree.

No matter where we end up in our own lives, how many lovers we attain, the amount of countries and nations we step foot into. I want you to know this and only this; I once lost faith in almost everything around me. Nothing felt comfortable. I was in my prime of survival. To be honest it doesn't have so much to do with how you take me in but really, how something inside of me found a place to allow you in. I found hope that he never destroyed. I just ask... for you to not make me shut it all back down again. I don't know if i could take another losing battle. I am giving this everything i got.