The year of saviory

Merry Christmas readers! This has been a crazy year to put it lightly. I have experienced a lot of loss but have I ever found grace! Not only have negative moments turned into promising opportunities; but I fell out of love with agony and crazy in love with life. I can't say that I understood most of my heartache-shit, I don't even understand half of it now. And though I have moments where I wish for the universe to give me back all the things I had put time and dedication to, I'd never want to go back to what I thought was, home.

I've had some great friends and family by my side. I've rediscovered some of the things that use to make me feel, alive. I am so thankful for my cousins endless love for life and everything she's put into showing me the good side of this wonderful thing that we call life. My nephew has been one of the most beautiful canvas to appreciate this year. He is the most precious little guy who is full of so much joy. He has brought together our family and my relationship with the people that are apart of me. I've had some of the greatest laughs as we've sparked herb underneath maple trees, I've discovered peace in stillness above this crazy weather that has hit us all around the GTA, I've demonstrated forgiveness in the greatest of Havens.

My beautiful friends have gone to the moon and back for me this time around. Having to admit how weak and low I was, didn't come easy at all. Nights full of so much pain. Dealing with heartache that at times left me breathless. Having to swallow the truth of loss has burned way beyond me physically. I've had a layer of skin growing around my surface. My heart is not cold but rather thicker and pumping more fuel than ever. I am alive for the very first time in a long time! You are all my family, and I carry every single soul of yours within me.

I have such a huge thank you to give to my significant other. I know this year has felt endless and the struggles been real. I was so unsure for a long time of how I felt about us. I was almost sure I didn't want to attempt this. Somewhere between the loss and the rebirth; I found a love blossom within me for my favorite boy. I slowly saw myself shedding layers, embarking on journeys, beginning this journey of healing one another. You've been about the most amazing thing to happen to me! I would't change a thing because all that we were has made us everything that we are now. You've been my bestest friend and my greatest lover. You've given me a place where I feel like I finally belong. I can't even begin to explain the way you fill me with life when I think about all the things I want to be by your side. You make me humble, you make me kind. I love you babe xo.

To the many friends I've lost in the past year. I am so thankful for the priviledge in meeting every single one of you. At some point or another you all were exactly where I needed and wanted to be. I had some great moments learning all about the things that have created every single one of you. I've lost you all for different types of reasons. I apologize to anyone who's time and love I didn't value appropriately or in quantities. I wish that you all become the amazing humans that I found you to be. There was so much light that can never been out shined.

Happy 2013. To another crazy year full of many more moments, These moments that have made my life so rich

"Just tell me your secrets. I can't stand to see you leaving."

Heaven couldn't wait for you.

Darkest hour.

Please be aware that i'm ever changing and I understand that i've taken this a little too far. I'm been coming undone while trying to remain grounded. Your life has been the purity of everything that now moves me. As I watch everything around me dig a hole and find haven for the season; I'm still moving, i'm still swimming through the chaos and your face is all that I see. I'm just trying to remain woman as my canvas is stripped from all the things that were once marked as home.

i wish to not affect anybody anymore.

Northern routes,

I'm much more than this type of living. I can only make so many earnings and not exchange moments with the things I love. City life is full of too much noise. People following the wrong Gods of time. Somewhere out there, I've tasted, smelt, seen the most beauty of life. Out there beyond the pines as waves crash between lakes of waters; I see nothing but everything. Can you believe the enlightenment in the power of raw true real life? 23.

Queen B ,

Fuck what you heard. You're mine You're mine.

I wish I could find the thing that made me feel like you were the one I wanted for all my life.

Dead in the water.

You are about the only thing that can fill me up with joy and thirty seconds later: break me with hate. Accepting the terms of my love for you would be deminishing all my personal value. 

Never have I known a war like the one of a lovin' heart and the strength to become a better woman. 

Fruits but no labor.

I've never been one to stand those who work for nothing. Those that have luck and grab opportunities so easily. You don't know defeat, you don't know hustle. To know you're now enjoying the things you haven't worked for. Well how can I not envy you. I envy the accommodation the universe makes to please you. 

I don't wish you harm but I wish some type of life to touch you. To really make you humble to those you've swept through ,those you've shared your life with. 

I guess the tone of your name still gives me a sour taste that burns my insides. 

Done.

If you still don't understand who I am , you clearly haven't paid attention and have no idea what my ultimate motive is with anyone I let in. And that's your loss not mine. 

Vision of love.

This is truly turning into something quite beautiful. To watch the seasons change with you is something I look forward to. Cozy knitted sweaters  and discovering new phases; I'm thankful to be closing yet another season with you and layering up some more for beautiful Autumn days. 

Rainy days always turn into a mystery. 

Losing my way.

I am torn between what I was and what I am now. I can't deny who I loved but I also can't be a liar to my desires today. I've run out of reasons to stay in the now but I have no use for the past as well. The amount of mental breakdowns and tearful nights in the dark have me in rage. I can no longer scream into pillows and wish death upon the memories. Finding grace is leaking through the spaces I can no longer fill. Im exhausted, I am scared, I am vulnerable. I just want to shut out all the noise that haunts me. 

Sometimes you work your hardest ; you give all your love, dedicate all your valuable time, promise them the world and back but things just don't turn out the way you want them to.

but that's okay. You stood for something that in your own perception was beautiful and that's enough. 

" See, I've learned that God is more interested in changing me vs changing my circumstances . 

An exchange of stars and secrets .

The past few months I've come to learn so much about you. How your eyes sparkle when you see me shine , how passionate you are about the ambitions that you have. I've come to understand the concrete that has you at peace deep within you and I can't help but admire the man they've raised you to be. I have so much to thank you for but the biggest thank you that I could never truly express is your unconditional love for me , as a human being. It's your ability to find a way to quiet the noises in my head and give me an appetite to blossom bigger and brighter than ever before. A million thank you's for always seeing potential in the mix of it all. 

Awake my soul.

As I listen to all the new music I've come to learn about this summer, I can't help smile at myself when I think about all the subconcious messages almost every writer has to share. It's like the warm weather brought many lovers together. I can't help but be thankful for the opportunity that crawled beneath me as I was trying to control my life from crashing apart. Am I exhausted. But am I thankful and happy with how much knowledge I have added to my resume of lifestyles that have come from riches and shame. All this music has inspired me to write again. I've also picked up the most enlightening books that have helped along my journey. If I could only tattoo every verse to my body! The Sun has kissed my skin and has left me a couple bruises on patio nights. Life down here is truly different; every moment has had it's beauty.

I'm glad to have awaken in the city. Bringing in Spring and now saying goodbye to Summer makes me feel bittersweet. I appreciate where I come from much more than I use to. Working away in a trendy area and dealing with "tasteful" people has really humbled me along as made me stronger. I now understand what "No" can do and how much power comes along with standing up for yourself. I still have a long way to go. Loving yourself unconditionally has had many challenges. I've forgotten how to shine bright but I see the light and I know that with patience, and kindness.. I can get back to my R e a l self.

I just need a moment of honesty. Thanks Ya'll.

Rival.

I completely understand that I've drawn away from customs. Nothing in my heart has changed-That much i know. I can't connect with people the way I once use to. I miss this. Being able to sip on some wine, talk about more than just my worry's. I hate it just as much as you. And I'm trying really hard to push through this black cloud. I'm not asking for redemption but rather humility to what I once was vs what I am now. 

Love without Tragedy.

I'm leaving. Making a concious effort to do so. No longer do I want to be part of your recollection nor do I need a space in your heart. I find it quite tragic that even that simple process is self consuming in itself. Making me question if the choices I've made in my life currently, truly benefit my well being. I'm happy. Can you believe that? Despite that agony and the fearfullness of your void. I'd be a liar if I said I am not falling in love with my situations, my rountines, my joy that touches depts of my soul. I'm trying with everything in me to let past heartache play an example in this explosion. But I'm tired. Tired of hearing your name, hearing your progress. I'm exhausted of having to share my mind with these long, over detailed memories. I'm disgusted by how much you once moved me. How much I came to truly love you. I don't hate you. My objective will never be to. I just don't want to carry your memory anymore. I don't need it, nor do I desire it. I want to barry you deep beneath the concrete I use to hold myself down. I need to fully understand that the only benefit that you give me is to use you as my stepping stone and to cross your name off. I'll never understand how a bond so merciful can be outshined by desires far beyond being skin deep.

No sense of control.

Right when I was finding comfort, it all began to fall apart. I'm learning that I can't control the way the Universe likes it's bed to made. I understand my heartache is neccessary in order to grow. Trust me, I feel this new woman blossoming within me. As excited as I am to feel her shine bright, I'm terrified of the exchange that time is ready to take away. I'm finding strength in my words.Love, again is finding a place within my bones. I can smile at a new day despite the agony of it all.

Shelter my soul

There's gems in my world. Tons that have stood right by me. We've outshine; Almost leaves you blinding. I'm understanding that no matter how many times I repeat the story, Whether the translation is dead on--Nobody an I mean nobody can ever grasp how empty this feels. And as much as they all know the passion that was set off. Letting go of that life isn't so easy. I'm still touching clouds with you from rise to dawn.

Meh, Heavens already so overrated. I rather burn in this hella life . 

You know that I'm no good

Past tense , I feel the motions when I rewind the clips and bitterly breath in old nostalgia. Never have I found true value in my present, I surely don't appreciate a love that I demand so passionately. Yet, I fail the trials more than ever. And here I am, again, praying for yesterday's rather than tomorrow's. 

Content. I feel my insides again. My body understands joy. I laugh purely, again. All because of you.

Summer 13

Hey readers! I finally came around to fixing my laptop and getting home internet. This means I'll be blogging more online than in my notebook. I'm excited to share some experiences and stories :)

break through

There's gems in my world. Tons that have stood right by me. We've outshine; Almost leaves you blinding. And as each of those gems has lost a trace of richness within my presence , I can only hope they have admired the time just as much as I've tattooed paragraphs upon paragraphs of moments that took my breath away. 

I'm understanding that no matter how many times I repeat this story. Whether the translation is dead on- Nobody and I mean nothing can ever grasp how empty this feels. & as much as they all know the connection & passion set off into the darkest of nights - it still can't be quite fully comprehended. I understand I lost, I do. But letting go of that life isn't easy. It's a flame I grew too a custom too. A world you loved too. I'm still here waiting for Friday nights. I'm touching clouds with you from rise to dawn. My heart feels so heavy and yet so free reminding gracefully as I barry your name deep within me. 

Lo ..

He still doesn't understand the fear I carry in my rib bones when I think of my future without him. He doesn't get the heartache in leaving all love, behind. 

13. 

My rule of thumb: be honest - even if you lose them. Because truth has a funny of always coming out. 

Unlike you, I rather be hatedfor who I really am in your perception than entertained with your presence and be a complete fake & that's something nobody can take away for me. 

In other words, fuck you. 

no light

I'm having a hard time bringing back my passion. I use to find thrill in diversity. Love to me, wasn't measured on the amount of fulfillment a man could bring. Again, I've lost my way. 

But if there's anything to keep in mind is that your escape to never land has envoked speed within my blood flow that will allow me to acquire. Rest assure that I feel the girl in me finding direction to penetrate passion and vitality through the imperfect follicles that allow my skin to breath. 

WHY .. 

Can we be as drastic, as in love , 

Why can't my heart cater to .. THIS love I want to devour 

All I know

I believe in passion. I believe in a love so deep that it can make you feel your core. It leaves signature , claim of territory. Passion that calls my name, yearns me like my favorite lullaby. 

This could really end up being a good life. You're just that one thing that I miss.

Spring showers .

If I ever made you think it was going to be alright for me to see you walk away; I take back every word or expression. I just want you to understand that being me without you is torture. The purpose I felt being stable in your existence is a taste I so badly yearn for. There's nobody like you. Absolutely anybody with that much light inside. And though I know my worth stands tall today and my stomach turns inside of me as I think of the four letter that make you, the chromosomes that have combined so beautifully to create you, the way you'd laugh- how it would without a doubt take the air from my lungs. I'm just thankful I got to meet you. To have you love me the way you once did.

I just can't deal with you still being able to take my fucking breath away.

I can't anymore .

It's a gag refleck. I'm literally pulling my tongue tied state away. My ribs splinter at this point .

I just need you to strip all the pigment you've used on my canvas. I just really need you to mark your name off my lips, out of my brain. You gotta take back everything I am because of you- the good too.

Knowing you aren't apart of my life anymore . Well, I don't want any trademark of you on my core.

It just burns my insides to even see a little bit of you still be a part of me . This isn't living .

Muscle aches

I'll remember our summer get away, remember how many nights we shared the same spark, ill remember drinks over laughter. How you lifted a room once your comfort sunk in.

I'll always remember the woman you've molded me into. How your touch at times was enough to get me through a painful night. I'll remember your smile and the light in your eyes that I hoped would wake up senses in a universe unknown.

You were my greatest lesson, my most beautiful prize. You brought me back from the dead when nobody saw rebirth.
I wish goodbyes weren't so painful. I wish I could keep holding you as we said our final words, I wish I could leave my fingerprints all over your body so all would know that I've touched your world permanently, some way, some how.

I'm a survivor at this point , it's true. And I've never been so good to myself until now. I face myself for the first time , that also is true. But never ever did I imagine following through in life with lessons you've taught me. Never did I imagine that something that feels so good can hurt so bad. I've never known such irony until now.

This Love.

I hope all the songs I've played for you make sense now , I hope all I've given up has caught up and I hope it breaks your entire life living it without me by your side, holding your name down no matter what. This all breaks my heart over and over again. Thinking that there's no way back destroys me on the inside. For the first time ever I've given away my most prized possession. I've lost my best friend, I've lost the world and I don't know if I can walk around in it without you. Why would I ever want to?

"Kiss me like you wanna be loved"

I need you to put it into form.

"I'm a writer" she said underneath the echos of the night. As her sober thoughts finally met with her beating, emotional, heavy heart. " I don't need an audience as long as I have sanctuary to continue writing about it all- every single dirty detail". I thank this girl for appearing in my strongest moments of despair. She's the love that keeps me going.

It's going to take every bit of strength from not collapsing from it all. I am exhausted.

7 year affair

I guess it's sadness I feel. I'm sad that its taken me this long to realize that I don't love anything about you anymore. Your aroma isn't the same and neither is the passion you had in your eyes. Maybe that was all false true. It's possible that my past love affair for you tainted the truth; my perceptions twisted.

I'm just sad that I have no reason to keep you but every reason to finally give you away

I'm leaving behind the greatest security of all. But I'm so stoked in selling this life for a new one.

We all sin ; just in difference ways. How I go to sleep at night and who I give gratitude to falls under my discretion.

These highs rebirth my lows .

I'm my worse bad habit. I was once told bad habits are hard to kill. All this time that was spent trying so hard to just get by. Just to watch it all not hold any posture. It's a shame to see no self love or desire achieve good habits, tender qualities. I use to be so committed to the beat of my drum and now , I couldn't tell you who's song i'm singing along to. I need to be reminded what's real.

It's a million emotions-the worse head rush.

January pic(k)s.

New ink. I'm so in love with it and thankful I finally did it.

Night out at the Green room with Ebonne, Shyan, Shannon, and Steve.

Took a walk from my house all the way down to Walmart. I've been taking photos of the seasons changing right by this bridge by my old High School.

Went to visit my lovely lady friend in Whitby over the weekend. Girls night with her are never disappointing<3.

1am thoughts.

Open Mic Night.

It's been a while..again. I really suck at this updating stuff. Funny thing is, I have tons to update on. But for now i'll share this bit of exciting news

I'll be performing tonight downtown at a small venue in the gay district. I'm pretty excited/nervous for it. I haven't picked up a microphone in front of more than a few friends in a very long time. This is my way of facing one of my biggest fears: stage fright. It's so much more than just stage fright though. It's everything. From getting the lyrics wrong to passing out in front of everyone due to nerves-AH! But I'm going to do it, I've had my heart set on it for a while and I can't back out now. I even went and rented out a room at DC music to practice. I'm serious about this lol. Even if it is the corniest cover of "Torn" and a pop song from my high school days.

Somehow, i'm doing all this to find my way back to myself. That's my goal for 2013.