Because not every girl gets what she wants

Kissing boys has always given me the butterflies that leave me breathless. I've loved the touch of foreign lips on new territory just as much as the next girl. Kissing boys has always left me with drive in my veins; being that devoured is magical. It's as if this power manifests itself & gives you a taste of your long waiting future.
Kissing boys is painful. They tend to all have the same qualifications when imprinting on your body. They leave aromas, they cause lingering moments where all you could ever hope for is the kiss of a man who can hold you down more than gravity, love you more than for a night. The man who can wake up your senses & you know that he wants more than just your physicality.

While kissing boys is thrilling, kissing a man, well, that's a blessing.

Self discovery.

Hey guys! Wish I had more time on my hands to write. Pure bullshit. I wish I prioritized myself to my writing like I once use to. But that's okay. I'm stating it outside of my mind, and not through my lips that I, Melina Velasquez have lost motivation and pride in writing. And maybe that's due to a lot of different factors. Why the honesty?

I wanted to share with those that read my blog that there's an amazing book that has become part of my evolution to brighter and amazing things! I'm not one of those " I found a book and it changed my life" girls but you really gotta check this one out. It's called Self-Discipline in 10 Days : How to Go From Thinking to Doing.

Honestly, it covers much more than just self discipline. It really makes you head to the root of a lot of questions you've never answered and it will definitely make you uneasy at first. But it's so rewarding once you've begun reading it. It's not a long book and it's so simple to use. Great read overall because the Author does an amazing job at making you feel like he's talking to you one on on. Check it out, there might be something that works for you. I'm finding it to be a great tool for myself and it's allowed me to become more self caring as a human; That was, my number one goal ;).

Finally,I've left myself with my jaw wide open. The clarity of it all has never spoken more truth.

Sometimes we just really giveaway our souls.

It's nothing but a sunburn. It will lift and ache until a new layer of skin can take care of your artificial beauty.

Take me away.

I felt you , the way I do many nights in my own constructed reality. Funny thing is, I don't wish for you, don't crave you in my dreams. I have found territory for your memory. A place I can preserve your beauty and our sins. A place far from my heart where you can't rot me away.
But I felt you. Inside my bones, between my hair, underneath all these years of forgiveness. You tasted the same, same aroma, same touch, same look. You acted the same. Same insults, same games. Same ending. You have a funny way of making me doubt for a minute if I ever had a way to breakaway from it all before it went to shreds. I don't know anymore. But I still thank you for your visits and your long awaited presence.

Kelly Clarkson - Breathe (2AM) (Anna Nalick cover)

There's letters that haven't been sealed just yet, stamps that haven't been placed on white paper. I don't know how to send you my goodbye and finalize it. No clue how to tell you I must forget you for the sake of my life. I don't have the heart to break yours. This was never easy but it just continues to get more difficult and I can't keep putting you before myself. So here it goes; All the things I could never pronounce..

This fire burning inside my inner core has no comparison. Light that shines so bright in the darkness of a cold winter night. This anticipation that makes me want to trade it all in for happiness. I sell my heart thin. Ill never get a currency adequate with its worth. But somehow, it's the only way out.

I just can not believe that I can't look you in the face like I was able to do for hours at a time.

Faded, hungover and not a fuck to give

I've lost all count of the amount of lies I spill through my slurred words. There's nothing that I pray for more than to divide our lives just so I don't intertwine anymore webs in this spill full attempt at a beautiful life. And that's been my problem exactly.

I wanna filter my life with your purity, your knowledge. I find that, quite beautiful.

But you've become second nature. I am so custom to you like water at 3am, the smell of fresh hair, like my blood shot eyes reflecting through my bathroom mirror.

I suppose it's irony that gravity has become our analogy.

I felt completely sick to my stomach that I managed to function in that shape and form. But I managed not to break apart in that shape and form. Nothing would've been worse than facing this bull shit of a reality thats been established. I feel disgusted.

The Script - Breakeven (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover)

They say bad things happen for a reason. Guess i've been praying to the wrong God for the past ten million seasons. I sell you off to the world.

Down Low.

I really try to sit here and explain what my heart tells every part of my body everyday. How Love can be so magnificent, how truly beautiful it is to be that empowered. That another human being can love you endlessly and invest their lives into another soul. I find it breathtaking every time I've had the blessing to love somebody so purely. It fascinates the shit out of my organism. It's a feeling that I wouldn't trade for the world. I'd sell my soul in a minute, bleed myself dry to sustain it. How can heartache not hurt after loving so profoundly? How can we even move on? how does time heal that sorta pain? I don't understand how you can digest a love lost after you've encountered it. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. Not in my world at least. Not within this body and soul. Maybe I really don't understand what it is to "let go" ..

Roll the credits. This shows over.

Limbo.

There's just one thing I want him to understand. It never came down to what he did for me. It was always about the better woman I was evolving into. It's amazing and truly special when another human can move you in such a way. Where your motive to be better refuels and grows. I'm just astonished. The question really is how didn't I before?

todays theme.

Matters that tangle

never ever bite more than you can chew, because you might choke on matters that cant really be digested. I'm just saying you should really watch the points that enter your mouth, some things we can't process through.

hidden thoughts 3231

Lately, my thoughts have been too heavy like the bags under my eyes. The same eyes that take sight of my worn out body. Thoughts so heavy that they tumble down like dominoes and fuck with my system. They are entities all of their own.

I haven't written in forever but my thoughts are overflowing.. Stay tuned.

kind reminder 01.

We pretend like we are listening but most of the time we aren't. Everybody is to consumed with their own ordeals to take a second look. So be kind to those that take the time to adore the words that slip your lips, synchronize laughter as much as you can, and never let the one that stayed, get away.

Just So You Know - Jesse Mccartney

TIFF and Indie Week.

I'm gonna have to make this one short. I've been so busy lately with keeping my head just above water-to say the least. I've got some stuff to catch up on in my life and I'm trying not to waste a minute. I have a few things lined up for the next month or so. I'm pretty excited to be busy (or at least attempting to be). I've been transferred over to Scotiabank Theater for two weeks for Toronto Annual International Film Festival. It isn't all it's painted out to be. Getting up at 4am is no joke to be at for 7am but I guess it's what comes along with it, right? It is downtown after all. So far I haven't seen anyone famous. I saw a Spielberg look-a-like but really, what are the chances of that happening to me? I miss Queensway though. Well, as much as you can miss it really. A few months ago I signed up to be a volunteer for Indie week and I got accepted. I'll be working till (obvi) but I'm pretty stoaked about it. I'll get to see all these great bands that I've never been exposed to before. All in all i'm trying to enhance my resume. I'm also trying to try new things since I haven't really done that for myself in a long time. All this has me excited. I'm finally motivating myself enough. That's all for tonight. I need to be up in 4 hours, eeek. Until the next one guys! xo

I really have no tolerance for bullshit to be completely honest. I've gotten pretty tired of turning the other cheek just to have it slapped just as hard as the other side. I'm fed up with being the "bigger person". Why do we bother saying hello if we both know we can't stand one another? How do you walk around really thinking you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I swear to God the next time I see you, I won't hesitate to give you a piece of my mind. Consider this your warning.

Iris

I`m always waiting for the day that i`m going to have to give you away. It breaks my bones before I even hit the floor. But I understand. That in a universe this busy and with faith so corrupted, what else can you do. You have to give some away and just hope for better days. Let your prayer get a little bit stronger and your desires a little more purer. I just hope you know that I would have given up my flesh, religion and core to be the reason for your primary happiness.

Shooting stars & everything in between

A week away can really break down all defenses. I just got back from an amazing week away with Alex and his family up in Hailburton. About a three hour drive out of the city (well needed)!Talk about relaxing. Not only was our cottage beautiful and with our own private beach. But the view was outstanding and the nights were nothing but soothing. I can still smell the fire in my hair, the bud in my hoodies. I'm gonna miss counting shooting stars late at night while the lakes still. I'll be missing the sound of singing wolves and the waves kissing the shore. Luckily, you always end up with a little bit of the beach to bring home. I can't lie. I missed my warm, big bed and Jennifer too much lol. If there was any way I could have packed all my loves, I would've. Country life just reminds me how much of a waste I am causing on myself by remaining in the city. But I promise all that will change in due time. I can't wait for next summer. With all the fishing and boating I did, I am super stoaked to do all these things again with a bigger crowd of friends. For the most part though, I am happy to be home. Here are a few photos of my week of paradise..

Hedley - Gunnin'

This song has so many different meanings for me. I can't even begin to explain-I rather not. That's how much it speaks for me. Enjoy

Lease.

He's found his way into my veins again, in fetal position, snoozing. I hear the crack of my bones as they try to find space to hold him in. But he's not easy to carry anymore. The design of his long lost home doesn't do anything for him anymore. He just destroys what now lives inside this flesh, this anatomy.

Lady Gaga - Marry The Night

The skit in the beginning of this song is amazing. THIS is the Gaga I fell in love with.

All I wanna do is .. .

Leann Rimes- Probaly Wouldn`t Be This Way

Little soul.

in order to experience anything at all, the exact opposite of it will appear. "It is a great gift," God said, "because without it, you could not know what anything is like. You could not know Warm without Cold, Up without Down, Fast without Slow. You could not know Left without Right, Here without There, Now without Then."

It`s true.

I guess these mix of emotions are normal under the circumstances. But seriously, I`m done thinking I wasn`t enough, I could have been better, I should have done more. It`s true.. `why in the world would I want to be with somebody who does not want to be with me` I know I have scars, tons of them. I know I sometimes continue to scrap my knees and I can be a walking mess from time to time. But I am enough.

Sugarland - Stay

Birdy -Terrible Love

Bittersweet.

I have picked up some bad habits through the years. Pulling on tobacco as frequently as I take in fresh air. Taking a toke off my favorite plant everyday, binging on love, and drinking a little too much. But I never imagined having consequences as heartfelt as the one that sits in the pit of my stomach at this very moment. I never ever thought too much of a good thing could be bad. Over excessive attention on anything that is not in my core: Has bitter`d my soul a little. You could say i`m resentful. Resentful that for you, for you bad habit, I was ready to conquer it all, give it everything I have to give. Yet, for my self healing, and personal growth: I would never trade in this much of my ways for better tomorrow`s. I guess there`s some bad habits that are hard to kill. You`re gonna be the biggest, baddest of them all.

Adem Levine feat. Wiz Khalifa - Payphone

Foolish

I can`t help but laugh. Maybe try to find some humor in all of this distress. Laugh like the joke I feel I have told. Maybe somewhere along the laughter that escapes my lungs and belts through my lips i`ll find an escape.

morning blues.

When the curtains can't hold the sun out anymore and you know it's a brand new day with new opportunity. But all you want is the slimmest chance that he'll be right there, lying next to you in the new morning air, the cold sheets finally having molding imprinted Into them.

What I would do to have wrinkle marks between blankets and pillow cases.

Florence + The Machine - What The Water Gave Me

I have her on constant repeat. She never gets old. All her music is ridiculously beautiful xox

Steamed.

Shedding overused, dry, dead skin is rough on my exterior. Announcing new flesh to my surface is frightening. We are constantly in this movement of birth and death yet we never are prepared for either of the two. It never sits with you discretely. But if there was any way to shed the past and bring on new life: well, I would call that balance. It'd be like standing on new territory and pronouncing the English alphabet for the very first time. It'd be like the first time the sun ever placed it's warm, deep personality into the million of little follicles my body possesses.

way past forever.

Love me more than sunny days after a rough fight. More than hot showers on winter, snowy days. Love me more than Saturday morning cartoons, or that old mustang that you saved for at the age of 16. Love me without restrictions or fear. Give me your future like your life depends on it. Hold me as if your entire life is flashing across your eyes. Just Love me , with everything you possess, with every truth that escaped your lips. Love me for the woman I was yesterday and the the mother that I so desperately want to be tomorrow. For the lover that can still wake your senses, for the artist I choose to continue evolving into. Just Love Me. Love me and never let me go.

Bloom.

I think I've scared the butterfly and contributed to reckless agony. No clue how I possibly ripped away such potential. I suppose, when we get star struck by such jealously in experiencing such bliss within, we sabotage anything that can challenge us from being enough I was perfectly fine with the cocoon, just not the butterfly.

Kanye West - All Of The Lights ft. Rihanna, Kid Cudi

Still, one of my favorite collaborations.

A good way to end the day:

It's Official, They are making it into a movie :D!

As grounded as can be.

Feelings are so magnificent if you ask me. They're also the Devil's advocate. They pull hard on pressure points, bruise your knuckles a little, allow way too much thought into the deepest parts of our souls. That kinda scares me. You know, to have that much access to the depths of oneself. I use to find comfort in not knowing why I felt so passionate about the flowers that grew by my school path. Or why saying "Thank you" to the bus driver was such a big part of my journey. I found thrill in falling in love with people's characteristics, people's passions. Overnight, I had gathered up all my defenses and wrapped my hands with intentions. I had become a slave to the ability to feel something without asking for anything in return. I had prioritized my time into this ridiculous amount of happiness I had suddenly attained. And it tugged it's way through my veins. It grew vines around my ribs and blossomed flowers amongst my breasts. That's the type of care that scares the living shit outta me. The type where you know that beauty is only felt through brown, kind eyes. And that's when I knew that those roots had found its way into my pressure points.

If you're gonna have an audience, you might as well give them something worth staring at.

Can't you just stay, stay until the darkness leaves? Because you might be the only one that saves me.

To lose is something i'm becoming quite good at overcoming. Bring it.

You've made it hard to believe anyone. So when anyone has the nerve to ask, why can't I bring down these walls I'll begin introducing your character in this part of my life. I'd have to explain how blind sided I became, the amount of denial I possessed and the overly done attempts to be absolutely everything you could have wanted. I still take responsibility. And I can't begin to tell you how much I rip myself to shreds. To hell with that. With you too.

Let's play pretend, You've always been good at creating an image to the world of how superb your life is anyway. Let's photo shop your waist, and give you highlights. Let's enhance your relationship and exaggerate your social life. Let's pretend that you're truly content with who you are today, let's switch up masks every now and then. But yet you still question everyone's love for you and you definitely haven't polished your growing pains. Playing pretend gets old. Tea parties end, playing catch gets tiring, Becoming true to yourself? You can run away from for so long.

Weigh what's really important.

I'm extremely annoyed in particular with the females I keep bumping into at work, the gym and even the conversations I over hear on the TTC. I constantly hear women talking about their bodies in such negative ways that it really saddens me to hear us as a sex getting weaker rather than empowered with the physical part of us. I'd be a hypocrite to not admit that I don't rip into myself from time to time. Who doesn't? But I strongly believe that until we force ourselves to begin to accept ourselves for who we are: well, we are going to be stuck in this pool of self pity and this ridiculous pedestal we feel that we need to attain.

After much self discipline and no will power, I forced myself to go to the gym. My motive today was to do ONE thing for me that would make me feel accomplished. It didn't matter in what shape or form. I went in there telling myself that it didn't matter weather I worked out for 10 mins or 2 hours. The point is, that I showed up and tried. And that's exactly what I did. I did my regular weights followed by some spinning. I decided to stay late and take my favorite Zumba class that kicks my ass every time without a doubt. But I was disturbed at the amount of conversation I could hear through my head phones in our line up into the work out room.

I'm so sick and tired of hearing people ESPECIALLY women talk about numbers. From their pant size to their weight. I am so fed up with seeing how women look at one another and judge. I was most importantly disgusted with how my instructor participated in this conversation and explained her "success" into her present physical appearance. I listened to them restrict themselves of foods and talk about their obligated routines in order to attain their idea of "fit" and "healthy". I had to force myself once again to sit through it and remind myself: I am not a failure because I dont view my lifestyle to have to be THAT way. After my class was done, I went to get dressed in the change room and once again these women began talking about calories, what their goal weights were and some even compared stretch marks. I could go on..

Despite the emotional wreckage I witnessed I kept my sanity by thinking: I was going to work out as hard as I could push myself. After an hour and a half of my workout, I was pooped. But I also felt great. Not only did I feel mentally more balanced than when I came in but I loved the feeling of reaching a goal. I felt in tuned with my body and I felt refreshed- as if I had just shed a layer of skin.

My point is this though. We all mingle with our friends and family about our weight. What we would and could change, what we hate, what we love, what doesn't fit.

I have recently become a strong believer in a "HEALTHY LIFESTYLE" . I think it's great to take care of yourself in every way but also it's nice to indulge in your favorite snack or a couple of beers. I believe everything in life is good for us within limitations and BALANCE.That is the key word!

So ladies and gentlemen, I leave you with this.

Your pants size will never tell you how beautiful you are.
The scale won't ever share a good quote with you.
a size O won't ever be able to hold all your passion, integrity, and drive.

Love who you are behind the physical. Begin loving your UNCONDITIONALLY. Start now - the journey is endless but quite rewarding.

Touch.

It's as if this time i'm the one that got left behind.
In scenarios like these: I know the pure spectrum of evolution.
A new leaf- if you will.

But i'm stunned, beyond unreasonable doubt on how to conduct my years.
I know longer know what satisfies me.
I know longer want what I once wanted.
No longer do I feel fulfilled with caresses or passionate nights filled with bottomless escapes.
Your words don't matter, our history no longer holds residence.
The spark has died. I no longer hold you on my grand pedestal.
I've told myself that this time I've dropped the story line.

I've thrown out ancient philosophy, forgotten the smell of spices and riches.
How do I en devour on something stunning?
A whole new world of possibility with new fortunes and passions?
How do I go about creating beauty out of ruins?

In scenarios like these, I tend to sing myself to sleep.
Followed by mumbling insanity that feels as if I'm suffocating in the nothing.
& I hold my pain TIGHTLY: like my entire life depends on it.

When you appear, Dear little girl of mine
Once again, for your regular routine of roulette,
Well.. I have more yearnings to offer up.

whispers

i need to find new sanctuary, somewhere far away from me.
I've become my greatest enemy, my strongest weapon.
I cut so deep, I bruise so easily.
I've learned to sustain the consequences and keep unfolding into nothingness.
I've become fearless, this always leads to some repulsive catastrophe

Show me how you burlesque .

What a girl wants.

I just want someone to blow my mind.

To make me question everything I have ever thought had limitation. I want to feel the way I did when I was six: dancing on my dads shoes and feeling most special. I want bedtime stories about your life the same way my mother would repeat the lullaby's her mother sang to her. i want to give all these life lessons the finger. The same way I did when girlfriends become fake, insecure, "bitch ass" girls. I want my ribs to feel as if they're collapsing just like two summers ago when I would unload all my obstacles and oppression to the most beautiful people you I consider to be family,they would love you so patiently. I'd like to consider loving someone just as much as I could obtain to. I want to kiss my husband with the same passion I give my music, my writing, my broken heart, my drive for travel.

I hate the trials
as much as i loved

Don't ever let someone in if the feeling isn't mutual.
It takes two.
If they aren't committed from the get go, they aren't going to be afterwards.
Spare yourself some heartache and self esteem too.

Just the other day we were taking shots, getting high, dancing in our pain.
We are strangers now, I don't even know what signature perfume you wear anymore.

Trust issues. Somewhere inside I know I have them.
I just don't act upon them.

It's costing me my sanity.

Blissful thinking.

Home has no residence.
It doesn't sit within your core, It's not with a lover.
It isn't within these walls.
Home is a phony lie that we buy into.
Because nothing can ever feel that safe.
Hands will stay wake your body up at night, words will continue to smash into you.
Hate will continue to take over your veins.
Home was a lie manufactured by those who needed something to believe in.
People like me.

#5

In another life.

Take me by the hand and never let it go. Not until it's safe on these stepping stones. Look into my eyes and swear to me that I'll get there-Wherever there is.

I just wanna close my eyes and hear the current, step away from all the noise. Break in laughter until my ribs hurt & for you to love me with everything you have as if your entire future depends upon it.
Touch my body like you've never claimed territory on a woman, whisper stories into my ears as I fall asleep molded within your arms.

Just Love me for no reason at all but with everything you own.

#4

Tea and baby kitties.

Sometimes I get worried that i won't be able to become the woman I've long to be. No matter how much work gets put into it. It tends to feel as if some sort of balance will always lack in some shape or form. But I won't settle either. I can't do that neither.
It's an in between that's getting broader and stronger.
I can admit, i'm very nervous.

#3

#2

Remember when the new kid in school was the new shiny toy? and everyone just wanted to know everything about this foreign creature?
Yeah, that's what you make her look like.
I'm last years news.

#1

Toxic Romance.

I'm sitting here like an idiot: Obsessing over the status of a human low life.
All I can think of is how much time doesn't heal some pain that's cut way too deep.
So it makes me to stop and wonder; have I changed at all?

I'm sitting here holding back tears. To this day, your name can still make me stutter, and your image can make me fearful. Your voice can still be mimicked and I can still play the same lost girl.

So when its all said and done..
When i've spent countless hours telling doctors, friends, lovers between sheets your story. What good has it done to "express the pain". If it still shingles me just as much?

It just feels like false hope.
and the last little bit has gone down the gutter.

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)

You get tossed the same bone to catch, wouldn't you just know not to go running like a lost puppy out the door?
Wouldn't you know better than to go chasing old stupid fetch games.
Couldn't you just let the bitch herself go chasing her own tail instead?