For me.

not knowing who you are is the worse feeling in the world. I thought i had conquered that mystery and commenced actually enjoying the journey in success. As of lately everything feels unbalanced and with no sense of definition. I don't trust anybody or anything. I can't even begin to trust myself. My feelings, my thoughts, my inspirations, my motives. I am so lost in the denial of who I am, what I stand for and what I became a result of. I can't let everything around me humble me anymore. Being this proper to everyone is taking a huge toll on who I am and what I deserve. I don't know what I deserve anymore! My mom always said growing up that you should treat your neighbor how you'd like to be treated and I agree. But lately, I just feel used. I can't stand to be selfish but it seems to be what many believe I should begin to do. Thing is, I've never been good at being there for myself. How do I commence? I've been on this road of discovery for many years now. I have now finally understood that the solitude in my life has been necessary and the wishful thinking for the place in my bed had to be killed. I've attempted to shift my karmic balance and take a risk at the Universe's expense; where are the fruits of that labor?

I constantly feel myself being afraid of everything around me. I have these intense knots in the pit of my stomach, my heart begins to beat fast, peoples words begin to sound like a foreign language that I can not comprehend. What happened? I had it together. I was so set to finally embark upon the ultimate thing I keep working towards. Then the past decided to come up again, and the boys ran back and they left and came back again and again. Friends said goodbye, new ones were made. I hated myself a year ago and I fully gave birth to a new me eights months ago. Tell me, was it all a bluff? Cause I surely don't know.

What do I know?
That every night I pray so hard to God to grant me the serenity I do not have.
I beg for somebody that I adore to make me feel beautiful like i had learned to do for my own being.
I force myself to remember how happy things began to feel.

All I have left are my thoughts and my talents.
to inspire myself to begin doing what i use to love.
because love is all that can set me free at this point.
i feel trapped within a dream twisted at the end of my womb.