All Nighter Blues.

Let me tell you something. There are many versions of this story that have been told. Never have I ever heard once come close to the truth. Not my truth THE truth. This story though is like no other. Doesn't come with a beginning middle and end. This one hits many climaxes, finds new settings, and definitely has plenty of characters. But that's not the point. Let me get back to that.

Let's begin with this moment. I am complicated in matters. Every day comes to me like a bullet. I have no idea what to expect from my emotions nor do I know how to handle them. Most days I try to find beauty in everything. Others I just wanna ask the sun to fade and come back some other day. At this moment I am beautiful. The way a blind man see's you to be. My pronunciation of the foreign language has advanced, my touch is gentle and pure, my smell no longer of corpse. I don't have a destination. To reach a point where stability exist is impossible. The journey is my process of living.

Tomorrow I wanna catch up to destiny. Just give me what I'll encounter 2 years from now. C'mon already.. just drop it on my laps. Patience has never been my strong point and I my anxiousness is depriving me from in devouring in possible flights of experiences and lessons.

Baby, just let me live tomorrow for today.

Lady Gaga.

I love her no matter what. Being different has never felt so great. <3

I got it. For the first time I got it. It just wasn't suppose to make sense with you. Thanks, I suppose. xo

Mis Mañanas .

Good morning. I caught a glimpse of you just as I opened my eyes to today. I sniffed you out the second my senses kicked in. I turn in my bed, I touch the other half of it. You aren't there. But still the imprint. The sheets are still warm. I tucked them around my body, I grip so tight, as if i'm afraid of the monsters in my closet. I frozen in this spot. The slide show begins. I'm repeating our story in my head. I'm remembering that trip we made where it all began, the first time I introduced you to my self, That one time we broke out in laughter for a good hour, Your gestures to save me, your chases to my house at 2am just to tell me you love me. Get why I miss you? I was so stupid for diminishing you. It's as if I killed any purity.

MY updated status.

I'm embarking on a journey in a foreign world. My ship got casted. Kinda along the lines of the Titanic. I did not perish. I am being guided through a sea filled of treasure. Some days I find shiny objects that wake up my senses and other days I find myself crippled by lost artifacts that bring me back to that night. You on the other hand keep tightening the cuffs around your wrist. You say she'll always be yours, won't allow yourself to move forward. You on the other hand cut a little bit deeper because it all feels bliss. Let me tell you something. I finished giving you your sentence. Allow yourself some grace by stopping the penalizing on your hand. To yourself. To me.

Summer layout , tada.
I only like it because of the birds.

xo

faceoff .

i take a breath. You're sitting in front of me. Waiting for me to speak. I have nothing to say to you that I haven't said to the wind a thousand times. "We both got ourselves here." I push the gun right back to you. You already know how sorry I am. Don't try to push anymore guilt out of me. You know my biggest payment is still loving you as much as I did a year ago. You guilt trip me again. I can feel myself believing. "Do you know how hard it was to let you go, Melina?" Please don't insult my guts reasoning: You never cared. "You never gave me something to fight for. Now I found you with somebody else!" I moved on. Those were your instructions. Our pupils can not part. I still feel like the girl riding in tea cups. Getting high off of love, climaxing on your chase. All I can do is smile at you. Grab your hand, kiss you for the very last time. Kiss you like i've never shared one with you. So gently, so pure, so true. "I'll always love you. You know that. But you'll never have nothing over me". I stand up, take all the bullets out of your game of roulette.

"After you"

"I love you even with the time that has past us by"

you pin me to this bed, duck tape my mouth, grab me by my neck. I'm trying to scream, shake in my bed. But i can't. You're already in between my legs. My shirt has been ripped off.

You're ready. You're about to implant your disease into me. You inject your memory into me one more night. My fears coming through in my dreams. Sad part is.. When I wake, I wish I never had to face reality. I can smell you, feel you, taste you.

What's the point of not talking about you again? I still fucking LOVE you !

FACT.

don't run away from it. Don't bury it. Don't try to produce a different reality getting all strung out on something, or eating your way through your feelings. don't slash your wrists. Just deal with it, because it's going to keep coming back if you continue living anyway. it's painful, but you just have to keep going. It's just part of life, really.

bullshit .

F U C K Y O U .

3/8

Having so many names crossed on my list. i wonder.. if the way i've changed men has just become a habit. Patterns that are a turn off done purposely in order to have an order of eviction. All i'm trying to say is, it's catching up to me. I'm losing count of how many. Not the ones I spend remarkable nights with that make me forget a recent love or a terrible episode of tragedy but rather the ones that's names have left my lips in exhales of lust. Nights i'll never forget, Journey's to places I never thought existed, stimulated every little molecule in my body. You've brought me back from the dead. Sharing the obvious; i have never been able to let you go. . It's not because you still grown cherry trees inside of me or water my hard earned garden. Because your body has been molded into mine. Finding a place every time it knocks on my door for a visit. Your bed is still unmade, your colon still sitting on my dresser. It's like i'm expecting you. Knowing you will come back. Door knob turns. Hold my breath with your dress shirt on-nothing else, sitting on this floor. Take a journey with me. Let me embark above your canvas.

Fit.

I'm ready. Pretty dead set on it. I mean, all i'm waiting for is to be claimed. But I promise. No doubt about it that when you claim me in this lost and found i'll be prepared. I won't ever look back. Until then. Here I am.. feet gripped to this floor no way what so ever to make a run for the exit. I'm having my fun, exciting myself with old habits. But I swear my profile is legit: I have come a long way. You'll see once you take a chance on me. It's not possible to ignore. Just note: I may not know my way around your room at first but that will take less than no time to figure out. I'm gonna master the qualifications so you fall in love with me millions and millions of times over and over again. You won't face your self worth or ego. I'm gonna be set for you. Gonna come wrapped in shiny gold paper and tied in glittery ribbon. You'll memorize my wrinkle lines, worship every sound I exhale, claim every nourishment I leak. I'll fall in love with your smile, I'm gonna mother your story, and trust me, i'll guard your heart. I'm ready. Pretty dead set on it. I mean, all i'm waiting for is to be claimed.

-M

Confirmed.

It's the memory. Now, i just feel too comforted to move. I have a strong feeling things are gonna get ugly. I stepped out of bound. Wish me luck!

its 3am.
this loneliness is killing me.
me and the candle light.
i can almost swear it will be like this forever.
everybody is with their somebody.

Losing Grip.

my heart leaves with you. Wherever it is that you choose to depart to. Because just the fact that you had the guts to love me made me a woman today. We didn't work out and there are some things that are unforgivable but let me just say: if it wasn't for you. I would have never taken the first step in this master plan that has spread out in front of me in these past three years. Thank you, You won't understand how much I loved you. It's sad where we fall now.

YAY .

I got a new tattoo. Yes, impulse but I am so in love with it. I wanted it forever and designed it during tattoo class last year. It's still fresh and swallowen so dont mind it being a bit weird at the moment. and yes, the wrist effing kllls !

How much longer?

School and work are getting to me. It's tug a war. Whatever happened to a thing called sleep? Please. Just give me two days where I can sleep, eat, shower, tea, and do it all over again. I'm running out of energy. I want to be capable of doing everything. My hours, learning my shit at school, work, taking on lots of shifts to make $$$. I haven't even had the time to deal with my own stuff as of late. Where is there space for me? I miss being lazy and kicking back with friends. I miss just being alone and falling asleep in front of the TV. I miss old stuff. But at the same time I have two more months of this and then I get a grad party. A topic that will have to wait until the next entry.

Goodnight Readers. I am gonna go to bed now.
I doubt i'll even get up on time tomorrow.
8:30 everday for class is too early for me.

- M

I was reading the words of a beautiful woman today. Words that could have saved me. Words that were not comprehendable to me a year ago. A language I could not taste nor did I experiment with. Her words are now my soundtrack to life. I hear the beat play behind me, I understand now where she comes from. It is now I realize how unkind I was to myself, how much I had all the love I needed, and how much I wish to turn back time for all the right reasons. I'm fighting with myself at this very moment. I am asking you to take me back and love me again. I promise to dance to your drumming, to breath strongly with the power of the wilderness, and to discover myself and through the words of all the beautiful poets you once shared with me. It is now that I appreciate you more than ever. You are like a pearl in the chaos of the sea. Thank you for having faith in me.

Remember Always:

You deserve to be loved. I am so excited to finally get to meet you. To take the time with you and entertain ourselves with the beauty that we didn't really see clearly at a certain point in time. I love you and i am so thankful for you now. I am so sorry for ever banishing you, for ever thinking you weren't good enough. It wasn't your fault, It isn't your fault. You no longer need to be angry. It's over and we won't dwell anymore. We are going to love life and smile. We are going to embark on journey's across the sea, we will find love in places we thought we would never meet, we will give ourselves a name that fills us up with joy, and I promise you: I'll never cut your worth short again. You will always live in me. My heart will eternally be your home.

- M

Logically Speaking Out.

you're not my chase and you aren't my hope. But can i just say for the record: A guy like you is what I need to hold me down. I can see myself with somebody just like you. Someone to bring me down to earth and compliment me. To give me some breaks and find peace and silence for moments when they are necessary.whoever she is. she's gonna hit the jackpot. your amazing and you're going to see it soon enough. I can see you about to turn the corner.

<3

Upgraded

They have updated the dictionary ; definitions and all.

Dicen Que Soy.

And I know it sounds kinda cruel and uncalled for But.. You shouldn't be this happy. You've done nothing to achieve it. I hate how you're one of those people that whatever you say will happen happens! We were both put in a fucked up situation and I've been the one with the short stick. I have tried over and over again to dig myself out, i preached it, was optimistic about it, nurtured the hope and you get the winnings? Bullshit! How is it possible that somebody so cold and shallow gets to play for the better team. Maybe that's part of my reason. Maybe that's a part of my decision but I've chosen and he's right I better stick to it. And I do. I don't understand how this can be. It drives me crazy.

A+

i was 2 mins short. I forgot the obvious and I got distracted. I was about to board. Thrilled and optimistic. This was my new start. I was about to embark in my journey to seal the deal. And i was 2 mins short. If only I had got on. Replaced whatever I was missing with a sense of peace within me. I guess I rather have risked the possibility of bumping into you. I was breathless as I dropped my suitcase to the floor. Almost a bit excited. There she was. Tall, slim Brunette with the body of a spanish guitar, with more swagger than a top fashion model, and a narcissism to her that you could capture from miles away. Yup, you do me proud. You stuck to your word and upgraded. And here I was. Your old milk carton that had reached her expiration date. Fooling myself thinking I could really find myself after you. I lost myself almost two years ago and i have been no where to be found. There are just some things that time can't even change.

TY.

i dont know who you are or what your story is. But today we both fell asleep on one another's shoulders on the bus. As cheesy as that sounds: Thank you for the human physical touch though it was unintended. I felt something bitter leave me and a sense of hope flush through me. :)

lovers in the night.

The smell of soil beneath my bare feet, feeling the thorns of tossed away roses, rubbing off the after math of run down mascara. Where am i tonight? I seek sanctuary you see. My dress is filled with sweat and my hair is drenched in pouring rain. My eyes are wide open. They piece together the clues you were just waiting for me to unravel. Here I am baby, i'm figuring out your mystery. I found where X marks the spot. My teeth are chattering, my head is pounding. I said i wouldn't second guess my choice. Here is my answer. Are you ready darling? Let me demonstrate what it looks like to love. What i meant when I said I couldn't lose another again. I'm gripping onto my exit as if has become a part of me. Positioning it. I must have been down this road before. The night mutes on the sound of release, the rain gets louder




bang.

midnight .

you're waiting for me to come home. And i am never going to come home. my closets empty and the bed is hollow. All i'm leaving is my imprint on my pillow and a few words written in lipstick across the bathroom mirror: You'll remember me.

Cleo.

past you in traffic and didn't even pay much focus to your road blocks. I braked at all the stop signs but I looked further and I saw what was really in front of me. The real reason as to why I can not drive down this road. Sometime, it feels like I need to abandon my stepping stones. Let me pack my bags and hit the yellow brick road on toe. Let me grab my sheets of papers and gather up the tears. I promise to use them towards a man that truly deserves them. I promise to write poems on lovers stories that deserve credibility. My feet will crack but will not break, my lungs will fill up with sand from this desert of discovery, the wind will wrap my hair all around my canvas. It will remind me to hold my ground, to love myself. I will not fold on this gamble of love that i've taken. I'm going to discover places I never believed existed. I'm going to take wisdom from the gypsy of the night and I will remember the words of the alchemist, I will look to the circus freak and take away beauty and talent. I am going to live well, i am going to love much, and I will continue laughing often: even at the engraves on my wrists, the extra pounds on my hips, and the trauma possessed all through me.