Let's Hope;

Si una ves.

Una ves bajo agua mojada y lagrimas caliendo por mi ser te declare lo mas debil de mi. Que por la primera ves cuando tu cuerpo toco el mio yo sabia que

; Eras lo mejor que me ha pasado, entre lo mundano y lo sagrado .
Pero nunca imagine que tu memoria seria tu mayor venganza .
Y aqui estoy , como muñeca de trapo muerta en vida por darte todo de mi .

I need some inspiration

There's nothing more painful then to feel not wanted ,
that all the time and dedication devoted to yourself feels as if it has gone to waste.
You strive for a better life everyday trying to make yourself better.
Sincerely, nobody can ever understand how much sweat and blood you have shed.
There's nothing more painful then to feel so replaceable; by everything by nothing.
Then you question yourself; why did i take a risk on the universe's behalf?
I was told that if i kept taking the same risks i'd end up with the same results.
What made this any different?
I took a chance on myself, a chance on you ; and here i am .. .
With the same sense of hope slipping right through my fingers ,
with the same loss of faith that it wasn't meant to be.
Good things come to those who wait ; but time is nothing but an illusion .

That , ended fast.

I got comfortable, again.
and i stated the obvious; the things that maybe you can see.
Possibly the ability to see right through me.
I let it slip, i let you in and I wish I could take back the night.
That's closest inside me that you'll ever be.
I'm not okay with my history, i'm not okay with my past just yet.
Now I get ready to pay my sentence, and leave behind what i wish to be my reality.
I did this to me, I put myself here.
and from now on , i leave you there; right where i found you.
i'll bow my head down, and listen to you.
i'll be another number and some random girl.
I set the standards to high and thought you see me differently.
i don't even see myself differently.

-x-

2010 is finally over.

sometimes in life things need to go wrong numerous amounts of times.
Just to be sure that they aren't meant to be.
And when that moment comes that you can take in and accept that life has a
better plan for you, that is when you can begin embracing those things and those people in your life that are truly the treasures in the mist of chaos.

Merry Christmas Everyone .
I wish my friends, my family, and my past all the best.

xx

The Notebook.

Lately, it feels this way .

Live and Let Learn .

I don't feel anything more than what my heart takes in at that moment.
I don't feel like a woman, you don't remind me of my childhood. I just am.
and when I walk away i don't tend to miss anything because i carry the changes within me.

I won't lie, i'm terrified but only of ruining anything .
so i rather not touch it.
not even risk it.
I'm so close. So close to shout out my earnings.
good karma has come along my way? Is it my time?
I don't know to be honest.
I am completely human for the first time.
Imperfect, a sinner

So if you ever ask me, i'm ready .

" You're not like anyone I've ever known "

Life gave me the unexpected and possibly somewhere down that road of discovery there's a lesson to be learned. I saw no signs , my cards didn't hold it, my horoscope didn't predict it. So what's occurring? Somewhere in me I knew there was a gut reasoning for my non satisfaction. Remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach I kept belting out on the these roads? I think they've come alive.

But now I'm not prepared. I stare at my poker chips as if they'll save me from myself. But I don't know if I'm about fronting this time or about keeping it as raw as possible. Funny thing is, I'm not ready but i'm equip and so far i'm using these defenses that I have taught myself to use gracefully.

I wasn't looking for an engagement with the past, I didn't ever think you'd come back and hold me. Truth be told though: As much as I can't show you or trust you yet , I love the sensation of feeling like a women in these terms again. And it's great to see myself in a new light I didn't know I still had in me.

But I vouch a pledge of allegiance to hold my own regardless.
and to love myself fully .
and to remind me and you and the rest of the world that I have my number one.
my love, my best relationship that doesn't take two.

Just saying .

chest to chest,
nose to nose,
palms to palms;
we were always just that close ,

Round 2

you'll fall for the one that already has an engagement .
the one that has everything you've ever wanted .
sometimes life is funny like that.
giving you hope and wild ideas of what feelings do when they take over
Life can only give you so many signs until you begin to brush them off
people can just put up with so much of your blissful feelings.
and i get it, they're your emotions.
Your wonderful treasures, and sorted out luggage.
but i can't take what you're doing to my hard work and dedication;
your painting on my beautiful assorted canvas
& i'm learning that the past is what it is.
and the present is all I have.
What I was isn't who I am .
and who I am today is the lady i've always wanted to be.
So what happened this time around?
Where did i begin to question my bestest relationship?

Cause i'm hanging on every word you're saying and even if you dont want to speak tonight. That's alright, alright with me.

It's an imperfect life.

I tend to use my other blog for this purpose but i think i'll be shutting that one down soon since it's going to no use. I am currently watching 'American Beauty' which has been sitting in my house for about a year now since Sergio never came to pick it up. I also lit some candles, did my stretches for work tomorrow and some Yoga.

I had a really interesting day. I went with Alex to value village to pick up some things in order to finish up some gifts that I had to wrap today. While I was there I saw so many things that I wanted for my bedroom and for craft purposes. I bought new curtains for my room which I put up. Nothing fancy of course but they defintely blend in with my walls which I like. I got Ann this nice frame for Christmas which she got immediately and all this cost me under $20. I forgot how great this place is. I even saw a great lazy-boy and an actual legit pair of UGGS that were too small for me :( . I will for sure go back once all my financial situations are dealt with . Disipline is a must for me right now.

I am almost done all my Christmas shopping. Got the kids and 2 more friends left in order to be done. I'm proud of the things I got this year. I think they were pretty creative and from the heart; hope you all love your present. I did try haha. I am also looking forward to the 24th and having everyone reunited. I must say I am quite intrigued to see how this night goes and I am aware of how uncomfortable this whole situation may turn out to be but I said I was going to be mature and move forward and I feel i've lived up to that so far.

I go back to school in Jan. Even though I graduated from Marvel I haven't recieved my diploma and that's because I haven't finished my hours that I owe them. So I will be taking a leave of absence from Cineplex for a month to do so. This means i'll be super broke and my birthday is that month too.


On that note ; I will NOT be planning anything for myself. I really feel lazy and even though it's my 21st , I feel like there's really no point.

I have decided to go away on vacation in May. I have already looked into some travelling agencies and prices, My choices so far are ; Puerto Rico, Jamaica, Barbados, or Cuba. Stay tuned for that one..

Alright, I think that is all for tonight!
I am in a great mood and I think that's because I went to Church today and got to be with my entire family. Which was nice. I am also embracing the change life has given me and am finally happy being alone :D

; Goodnight all. < 3

Step 1

It's true. Sometimes you have to stop looking for happiness and all those fancy things. Eventually life teaches you that what you've always wanted has been there all along. Now, i'm not trying to get ahead of myself but I think that i'm finding out what exactly it is that i've been wanting all along . It's not love, or a need to be be needed ; it's just to find somewhere where my wisdom and truth can be placed. Question is, can it handle my truth and nothing but the truth.. So help me God?

hmm ..

i may it look easy at this point but it's all struggles.
Everyday is a new shit load of weight that torments me.
i may make it look simple but i cant even begin to explain how tragic it is.
i just go with the flow; or at least i pretend to make it seem that way.
inside i'm devastated .
<3

heart to heart.

your fingers playing those notes, that's my inspiration.
the way you looked at me once upon a time, those are my ideas.
the mark you left in my life, that's my title.
I just wanna state that for the record; you were beautiful, as beautiful goes.
and i don't take any of your sorrow personal anymore.
at a moment in time your hands did more then destroy me.
You once carried me to a land of no return and brought me back from the dead.
I hold on tightly to the ways you kissed my body millions of times over and the moments you stopped life, looked into my eyes and told me you loved me.
The way you played with my back as we took in a chaotic room, nights that involved no sleep at all, swinging on swings and flying high as a kite. baby, i carry the memories. And I still carry your name proudly, I pronounce your slogans with confidence.
Don't forget to remember me , because i tattooed you deep within my core and your a story that i'll tell my husband, my daughter, my grand child. I'll tell them about the man that came into my life and did me wrong but made me strong. The man that I could've shared the rest of my life with. If only, he realized I wasn't a reflection of his agony.

--x--

Kanye West - Jesus Walks (Version 2)

Favorite Poem by Pablo Neruda

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine"
— Pablo Neruda

2015 wants you to do you.

I was reading Fonna's blog and even though I wasn't surprised as to where she see's herself in 5 years it was great to see how optimistic and excited one of my girl friends is to her future ; and she should be. She's worked so hard!

I've decided to do one of my own. I hope that it makes me feel better since lately life has felt really permanent and frozen. Here it goes.

In 2015...

- I hope to have traveled to South America and learned about my roots.

- Got to my goal weight of (180) and be running on a regular basics

- Be living in the Annex with either a stable boyfriend/husband or a dog.

- have completed the courses I want to take in the Arts that I wanna take now such as ; photography, glass blowing, creative writing, and dance.

- Have a selected count of real friends .

- Made peace with my past and religion.

- Started learning Italian or French.

- Learned to fully love myself

xo

*sigh, this was refreshing.
Thanks Fonna ! xo

D Vs N.

waking up has never been so disappointing. because when i close my eyes and everything i've ever wanted comes to life; why does reality need to commence again?
I was with you. a new you.
we were doing it up; real talks.
i didn't feel fake nor imitated.
how stupid is it that i'm so crushed at this very moment?
did you somewhere out there feel it too?
feel it rush right through you.
waking up every sense you have in you.
gripping onto your sheets as you open your eyes to a new day.
feel the heat in between your legs too.
taste my lips on your body.
my finger prints on your chest.

i still got it,
a fresh crime scene with a biopsy already in check .

x___x

My first tree ever!

Hey everyone! ; I finally got my first tree ever for Christmas. I never realized how expensive Christmas can be. I still have to start my shopping but my place is finally done. After $100 today I finally have a beautiful tree and I couldn't be more proud. Here are a few pictures. Also, thank you to Alex and Jennifer for helping me get the tree and things. And thanks so much to Angelina, Anthony, and Ann for contributing to decorating it with me. I was really afraid of doing it alone but I'm glad on how it turned out; here it is.

Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You

I'm excited, i'm excited, i'm excited!
even if i do end up spending it alone :D

Want you to make me feel
like i'm the only girl in the world.

More Lessons Learned.

1. People will always talk about you regardless of what you're doing. I've realized this finally and as much as I wish i could change what other's believe and clear the record; i'm done. It's pathetic how much I defend my name and my life. You have no idea what i've been through or go through on a regular basis , so mind your own life and let me do me; i'm getting through it just fine.

2. Human beings are extremely selfish and manipulative. I understand that at the end of the day everyone has their own motives but seriously, does it take so much to try to give someone else a helping hand and put your stuff aside for a second? Try it out, it may end up making you feel great afterwards.

3. Trust is a lie. I use to say that the only people I could sincerely trust with my life were my selected few friends but now that I see how contradicting some actions are, I don't believe in that. This doesn't mean at all that I don't value or share myself ; but i'm definitely more cautious with what I say and how much of my power I give away to anyone.

4. Being sorry and forgiving isn't weakness; it's being the better person. Don't ever apologize because you are expecting one back. Do it because it comes from the heart. This also makes you feel so much better. Forgiving is one of the toughest things you can do but there's no use dwelling on pain that will only cripple you.

5. Stay true to yourself but watch your words; I'm very blunt and I've realized some people can't take this and I am aware that some of the things I've said have had a very bad way of coming out of my mouth. Say what you need to say but there's always a way to do it.

6. Don't give your opinion unless you've been asked; People don't appreciate it and other's can't handle the truth.

7. Karma is a bitch. A bigger one than i'll ever be. Sometimes it feels as if many of the things that I wish I had control over in my life are apart of the karmic circle I'm still paying for because of bad choices I made for myself.

8. Nobody is responsible for how I feel. Some might have had an impact on me, caused pain or joy; but what I did with those emotions and where I focused them has been entirely up to me.

9. I don't need somebody to make me feel like a woman. This year has been extremely difficult when it comes to being alone. As much as I want a man to compliment me, I understand why life has given me tough love and allowed me the opportunity to love myself.

10. I am my own back bone. Not by choice, but I have to give myself more credit for the things I do everyday to keep myself alive and healthy. I always said I couldn't do it alone but I guess I was wrong all along ; I'm proving that theory out everyday.

11. Some things time doesn't even erase. There will always be some pains that life itself doesn't heal, memories that won't disappear, and reality that life won't ever paint as a facade. But everything's just a feeling and feelings don't last. As long as you can find a way to get yourself through the wave of emotions without hurting yourself or others; You're still winning.

12. I can read through almost anyone. You can pretend all you want that I don't know you're bad mouthing me or that you dislike me , but I know. I just like to kill you with kindness until you really wake a nerve in me, then I can be just as much of a bitch as you.

13. I pray for everyone that's ever entered my life every single night before bed. I don't care if you've hurt me, left me, used me, loved me, betrayed me, dropped me; At some point in my life something made us click and I did take something away from you in order to learn about me. That's enough to be thankful for. I hope everyone that's ever left is loved and wanted. I understand what lonely and broken feels like. I would never wish that upon anyone.

14. Oh , I understand that love can make us do some crazy things. It's not just a justification but rather an acceptance of the matter.

2010 taught me more than I could have ever known. <3

Thanks to the contributors of that ; EG, MR, FS, JS, AD, SS, BH, MV .

My wish list

Alright, I caved. I'm in the Christmas mood now. I am excited to go buy my tree! But until I have it and take photos of it , I wanna make a list of things I want this Christmas/and possibly Birthday. I'll post more later on but these are just ideas. For the record; i'll probably be buying most of this for myself. :)

A summary ; now what?

Hey Guys (and girls)!
I was browsing through my webcam pics this afternoon and realized that I had many different hair styles and that my look changed a lot. Here's a recap of 2009 and how much Melina changed her hair colour/cut. Enjoy? I.. just wanted a reason to blog lol xo.

Realidad

aveces dicen que el amor propio es todo que se necesita para sobre vivir
otros dicen que la fe es una salvacion para que siga amando el corazon,
ahora me doy cuenta que tenian rason.

Closure .

I've known you from time ago. Your description sounds accurate and your physic looks about the same. I've seen your face millions of times in these crowds. Your body language is still memorized to perfection and you walk around in life likethe average person. After all these years, I can still sniff you out like the wolf I'm painted out to be. Your laughter is a bluff still residing to hide away the scent of you . I don't know you. This person that pretends to be something so far from the truth . You're unbalanced and transparent . It feels like watching reruns of this late night show ; your scandals and cliff hanger endings still strike me like it was yesterday . I'm aware and I'm concious that I choose the right door to walk through . I'm releaved to not be a part of your essence, it smells of dirty , raggedy laundry .

Blood or not ; everyone's pressing a shotgun right into your spine.
Your title, beauty, fame doesn't count;
it's all forgotten when it comes to fighting for your cubs.
I've become your prey.

tonight

dead (dd)
adj. dead·er, dead·est
1. Having lost life; no longer alive.

or

a. Not having the capacity to live; inanimate or inert.
b. Not having the capacity to produce or sustain life; barren

does it matter which one I am? I think the points pretty clear.

dnam ;

a f e m a l e which makes me fight twice as hard.

a minority which steals away my voice.

an abuse victim which censors the truth.

an addict therefor a liar& deadbeat

i am a statistic which rapes my optimism.

I am.

i am a bird; i have no root or destination.
my home is this universe; i have no address or territory.
I am a combination of disbeliefs and chronicles.
i plant my seeds wherever they will harvest
and i write my story on anything that has a power to hold facts.
i tattoo my successes all over my canvas
and technology isn't big enough to grasp my human memory.
i am life, i am death.
I am I.

for the love of the weak .

i just dont understand where the capacity that I thought you had at being humble went. I suppose I saw more potential than your actual worth. That is why I feed you to the wolves now. I retire from the position you put me up to.

so a big fuck you .
and to her too .

: D

Alert

this is not a test.
i'm gonna need my support system right at this very moment.
I've collapsed.

But I Believe.

remember always that i was the possibility ;
i don't come dressed up in designer names, nor do i eat at fancy restaurants.
i can't buy shots for every one in the club and i sometimes get a bit out of control.
i appreciate the simple things in life and love is the only thing i need in order to be rich.
i'm not a replica of any chick you've had an engagement with and i have my fair share of skeletons in my closet too.
all i have to give is what i've been able to nurture through all of the mishaps.
i'm not a size 6, my breasts aren't a D and my emotions sometimes get the best of me. but what i can flaunt are scars of survival, laugh lines of memories, and the nourishment that i'd be willing to give this entire scenario.
i'm discovering myself just as much as you are but i know i can love myself while holding all this down.
so take a chance and never look back?

They all fall down.

I am so disappointed in you.
but most importantly, i'm extremely disappointed with myself.
just give me a song to remember you by. Go ahead and take the high road.
memories will be enough to last me a century and after that ill barry you beneath me. I wasn't her i guess
but that's fine with me.