Just another dream.

we are in the same vehicle and your eyes are on the road. I, am just looking at the scenery trying to hopefully stumble across something bigger than this. Something ends up catching my eye and i evacuate the car before you even have a chance to put it in park. You ask me "where are you going?" and I begin to walk towards it. A helpless little dog, injured in the middle of the valley and as I go to touch it, it speaks to me. It looks right into my eyes with rage and claws its way onto my flesh. The blood immediately starts pouring and all of a sudden he's gone. You are running behind me, not understanding what happened. I can't even begin to explain to you what just happened. It all happened to soon. you give me your shirt and wrap it around the wound on my arm and you take me home.

2:34 am and I wake up with a sharp loud that ran across my head. I don't wanna leave my room. I have a feeling this is all going to end so bad. But I do anyways. Something in me tells me that somebodies salvation is up to me. I walk out in the hallway that becomes an exhibition of people i have never met and most especially never lived with . I hear a noise from the room across from mine and i don't even question whether or not this is a good idea. I turn the nob and my eyes scream louder than I ever could. What are they doing? Scientific experiments on one another? Some kinda cult? Regardless, it's disturbing. I wanna turn around but i've seen too much. Will they let me go? I run out towards the sea of people and I come across another door. My whole family is there, telling me to not do it that it's not worth it, and i go through it and I find myself face to face with that same dog in the valley. His eyes are testing me, almost giving me a chance to turn back but I know I have to go through with whatever they don't want me to see and i proceed to the next door and as I open it.

There you are. The one thing i've been missing like the air in my lungs is right in front of me. You look at me so flawlessly and I smile because for the first time ever you are happy to see me. You eyes tell me you're sorry, your embrace makes me forgive you. And you take my hand and press your lips against mine and tell me how much you've missed me, how sorry you are for all the time wasted, for all the bruises, for all the sins committed at my expense. And the world melts. Just like that. I forget about the months of suffering and self indulgent and the promises to myself that i preach day after day and I take you back, even if it's for that night. I can't believe this is happening to me! You are back in my life! We begin to catch up on the months that have just gone below surface and you begin to speak in plural about the plans you have for this new future that has seconds ago been planted.You hold me tight. So tight that for a second I am not sure if i can grasp for air and I close my eyes, and put my head on your shoulders and then tears start flowing and just like that, i vanish.

set it stone.

is it shock? cause i can't even put it in writing. I wasn't even enough for an apology? I wasn't even worth an explanation? Are you serious. So, i leave before I am left so I can grab onto whatever bit of dignity I got left and you still have a way of breaking it? How talented are you. My God, you leave me speechless. But i won't fight with you. I won't begin to rant and bitch about the matter to you because all I do is make a fool out of myself. Almost more then you have.

you're pathetic.

i have a decision and i can't even go through with it because you won't even give me the time of day to do so. just more reasons to add onto the pile.

this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

.

I just want this so bad. I feel like i'm preaching a religion to you. That's how hard headed you are!

dog chasing tail.

he's right.

you've played way too many games with me.
i know what i need to do. this time, i'm standing through it.
no more false threats.

am.

this insomnia is becoming insane. but i can't just blame that. i blame you. every night is a nightmare. even though fantasy is so much better than reality at this point.


so much better.

then there was you.

i'm watching from a far and every time you glance my way ill look away. I'll pretend that i haven't caught on to how you stare at me through out the night. On the outside I look like I got it together but beneath the surface I'm like a kid in a candy store. I am fascinated with just about every bit of your self being. I am thrilled, excited! I wanna discover every turn and curve your body has, I wanna go deep down within your weaknesses and bring them to life, I wanna kiss the broken, let myself go, bring out the best in you. Tonight, I just wanna indulge with my wishful thinking and bring myself to isolate this entire world. Its moments like these that I come to realize what love is. I come to know that those two before you were such a teenage love affair rather than this legit shit in front of me. but this wont be an entry on how much I still love you and how good i would hold you down. You know all that after five years. This is about how deep you run within me, how your touch lingers on me days and days later, how when you look into my eyes i feel so safe. This is about the moments you place your lips all over my body and the whole world melts. Or how you play with my hair and I think for a second, i'm just about to get what i've always wanted. Listen, I love you. That's pretty much it.

fuck.

this shit is getting pathetic. just when i thought i had it under control you come above surface. don't get in the way please! this road of discovery was becoming fulfilled with everything i wanted to be. everything i wanted in my life, absolutely no waste things. but now, i can't even get out of bed this week and i refuse to cave in to my hearts demands. i refuse to ever call you again. to ever look for you. you hurt me remember? and i love myself now. we are better off this way. WAYYYY better off. I may not have everything i want but i am much closer to it without you in my life. I wanna refuse this memory interfering with my life any longer. I am so set. I got a great career going for me, a steady relationship with myself. I'm facing up to a lot things i've ever done or said i'd do. i'm breaking free from the monster i was with you and before you. I got this road calling my name and i feel like i'm turning back. ha, more like running back. i'm consuming, i'm tripping on my own feet. If only the heart and mind weren't attached. This would be so easy. Up north , i'm steady but to the west i'm hurtin` , hurting so bad. this is never gonna end. Just when i thought I was doing so good.



pure bullshit.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Welcome I ! I have opened a new blog. Along with this one I will continue to use my wordpress one. But just like Jennifer I will use this one for ranting and what not. But wait. I do that with the other one too? hmm . I just realized this one kinda seems useless now. I guess ill use both-whatever. This doesn't count as an entry. I'm super burnt out, my head is killing. Im gonna finish my lemon water and hit my bed. (Sorry Jessia, I waited for you to come online but i needed sleep. I am in too much of a pissy mood).

Goodnight. :)