They all fall down.

I am so disappointed in you.
but most importantly, i'm extremely disappointed with myself.
just give me a song to remember you by. Go ahead and take the high road.
memories will be enough to last me a century and after that ill barry you beneath me. I wasn't her i guess
but that's fine with me.

Contraindications .

You are my child
my addiction
my best friend
my enemy

i brush your hair
i sing to you
i devour your entire essence
i give you meaning

water should be thicker than this blood
i give you power with the nightmares in my heart
you use me then toss me
the cards always fold and i've known all along you despise me ;

What makes me make you stay?

Atoms Apple.

i'm just a girl set on this earth like you. i have no idea whether or not i'm a part of a social experiment or if i have a purpose. I have no idea why certain things happened to me and why I was granted blessings. I don't understand my genetics or how they turned into this. I have no comprehension of the male species or what makes the world go round. I don't understand why people live to make money or why greed traps us. I can't figure out why the materialistic matters more than the soul. I can't grasp the idea of life being about what I make it. I can't believe I was a part of some big bang or that I was a the result of a night of rondevu. I'm just a girl and i know i was placed on this earth for more than the matter of living and eventually dying. Life has some sort of plan for me. Something I can't quite see. Something out of my control. So, I have to stop trying to grasp the gears and allow it to do what it must. Because all i'm doing is messing with the blue print of whatever it is what I am meant to become . As afraid as the thought makes me.

I feel like the world is crashing down on me and i dont know how to hold all of these things together .
Loving yourself and being true doesn't work.
I'll always let someone down.

I've been travelling on this road too long
Trying to find my way back home ;
The old me is dead and gone.
dead and gone.

Rising .

I'm six years old again as I look into the eyes of my mother cracking under pressure. I see pain in her eyes that she can no longer hide. Her lips finally begin to tell secrets of a life I shouldn't have had. You would think sorry's and apologizes at this point would mean nothing she is my mother and I am her daughter. Her perseverance for the minor leagues as always struck me hard. I can't imagine restful nights beside a monster, hours in rooms with a priest, or being the guinea pig of a world full of pills and self medicating. But that's not why I tell you this story. I'm six years old again and my mother looks worn out. Her eyes are hallow, her hair grey, her skin worn down, her tears imprinted. She looks at me she cries for me. It is you mother that has taught me to be stronger than everyone and anyone. It is you mother that has sentenced me to a life filled with wombs and no defenses, it is you mother who has taught me to wipe away my own tears and never bow my head down. But it isn't you that I honor for all my rightful doings or my sanity today. i don't thank your doctors or your God. I thank the little girl that pulled through. The one who's hand I finally took and began to embrace again. I thank her for reminding me that life is truly beautiful and that I am deserving of a man to hold me down. It is she that has taught me that I to have granted permission to love and bring an offspring into this world. It is that little girl who has taught me where i've slipped rather than where I fell .

To you mother; in all your grace.
Hold your tears back and no need for apologizes .
In the turns of life, you were my driving force.
Thank you.

Cash it in.

every time i have a toke, every time i light up a cigarette ; it takes me back to you. I get defeated by nature and the wind takes me away to the past. But i won't let it phase me, I won't let it make it's way into my skeletal system making itself part of my core. Because this time around I am my owner, I am my own child. And I promise to nurture you. mother you. love you.

Sometimes It's devastating to wanna be this good again.
Smiling some days isn't a desire.
But i know that's you , rude boy talking .
That's the set of cards you hold down.
I have a full house and i'm about to make you swallow your front .
I guess you bluffed and it was nothing but a poker face.

In your cowardly shoes.

Bad, Evil, Cruel?

How is there no return from the dark side?
Can it really eat at your soul?
Does it make the pain truly go away?
Is it possible for life to feel fufilling?
I want you to stare at me in the eyes and tell me.
Don't let your voice break.
Speak it with nothing but truth ..
C'mon, i'm waiting .
Pass the joint around; Give me some of that high..

; hanging

I give God my soul to keep.
because of you.. i doubt i'll make it through another night.
It's been a long time since i've been this afraid of the dark, the monsters under my bed, the boogy man .
Life? Just take him away from me.
At this point.. in any shape or form.

Your heart is my home.

He held me as my voice cracked.
His grip was keeping the monsters away,
and i cried tears of happiness, i drenched tears of agony
he told me it was okay to cry, he said he forgave me - that he wanted me to strive.
I belted harder and harder; I never wanted him to let me go .
That beauty .. i've never felt.
That love , I had forgotten about.
He whispered in my ear as I left a sea of salted tears.
The world stopped.. Those few minutes.
I danced with my father again.
and through it all..



I felt so uncomfortable which means it must have worked.
Welcome home little girl, welcome home.

Contract-ION .

Maybe it wasn't too late to grow a back bone. Maybe I didn't walk the talk. Maybe I did too much of this and not enough of that. Point is, I'm not settling. Don't call me when you realize you are alone, don't look for me because you now realize i may be upset, don't snap at me because i don't get it, and please don't use me as your source of cheap therapy. I love all of you . I did at one point in time. But you make it so difficult to hold on. My bestest friend was right; You eventually get tired. And I have. I have valuable , constructed foundations. I have a worth you know. I'm fed up with giving myself the short stick. So please, if you aren't any good use in my life and if you can't handle me at your best ; let me be. Because I have the ability and potential to strive for better. For people and experiences that deserve and appreciate everything i come with. I'm wearing my backbone where my wishbone has always been .

Thank you.

October 30th 2008-

it really wasn't his fault; Swear to God! I'm the type of girl to get so shit faced on lust, my hangover tends to make everything sound more exaggerated. I asked for it; You gotta see the hell I put him through. I was too much to handle. I should have seen it coming. No really, it didn't hurt that much. A few shoves here and there are what I needed to set me straight. Hey, I fucked around because I panicked: I earned the title "Stupid Whore" . Well in all honesty, I already didn't get along with my dad. The troubles were a push out the door that I REALLY needed. I didn't deserve him therefore the break up was valid. (even though i was left broke, with no social life, kicked out of school, Oh yeah and with a broken heart). PLUS.. I was to blame. This was all my fault. You did me a favor for ever looking at me. Thanks for ever even touching my existence.

Yeah, It's in writing .
Almost at our 2 year anniversary; Nope, I don't believe it anymore.
I didn't do A N Y T H I N G close to bad in order to deserve your abuse.
Low life, coward human being, waste of space, dipped in child neglect and ugly teased names; If you weren't proper and happy , you should of let that push you to be better , babe.

You were beautiful to me.
Until you became H I M .
[ I pray for you, always ]

<3

The Calling.

It doesn't look good on my end.
It's restless, time consuming, and sucks my energy dry.
Why can't you just take the wheel and do what has to be done?
I got sucked in again and I don't know if i can get out .


Help?

Flower Picking.

I sit here patiently waiting watching everything.
I'm a whisper in the night that you hear when your head hits your pillow.
All I am is everything but nothing at all.
I don't carry your childhood night mares , I don't tuck your sheets tight within undeveloped legs. I listen to you pray to him. To give you the serenity to accept the things you can not change and begging for forgiveness for the tests you have failed. You give me freedom underneath the moon , you allow me to play with shadows and a world full of fantasy; I thank you for not killing me when you had the chance. I see the sunrise of the morning hit your back and make its way up your spine . I just gotta say ; you've left me speechless lately and i've hung up my boxing gloves. I'm no longer fighting with your yang of the ying, the night of the day, the evil of the good. You've remembered the little girl. Taken her hand and are now walking along with her. You've remembered her memory, her beauty, her purity;

not the chaos, not the madness, not the trauma.
Thank you , Gracias, Merci <3