Sunday Morning.

Hello. I had a pretty interesting week to say the least. Aside from the hectic and normal stressful things that ends up happening at school or just with my personal life, it was possible for shit to get tougher. But I don't wanna say everything was bad. I mean, I got myself on a good track with certain things. I feel that with the season unfolding and Spring being here that not only do I need to do A LOT of spring cleaning with my physical stuff but also with my emotional stuff.

So I tried the approach of calling some people out on things that were bothering me. It didn't really seem to work. I got denials mostly and this ended up making me feel like I was just 'complaining' like always. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it to talk about my feelings. I'm so tired of hearing that all i'm doing is complaining, whining, pissy, etc. If things weren't going wrong, I wouldn't need to do any 'complaining, whining, pissy' stuff. But anyways, It backfired on me. I'm getting to the point where I don't know how to please people without failing with myself. I just don't tolerate bullshit anymore. Maybe i've gone to an extreme but I refuse to take anything I don't like. So when people begin to make jokes at my expense or be plain out rude, of course i'm gonna call them out on their shit.

So, I told him not to look for me until I make a choice. Because something needs to change and when I do make a choice. I'm not turning back. And even with that said, he said "Okay Bye".

Really, Am I not even enough to chase as a friend? I mean, i'm telling you that you are hurting me. That you are doing certain things that bother me and I want them to change. And that's what I get? I cried the whole way home. When am I going to be enough for somebody? I'm tired of putting more effort than the other party. So I tell him how I don't like the way he treats me and he says "I already knew that" . - WHAT?! If you knew that WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?! "Nothing needs to change, this is me and I like me". And you say I draw you out to people as the bad guy. No buddy, you do that to yourself. So now I need to write a list of pros and cons and really decide what to do. I need to remove myself emotionally and be logical. I hate cutting people out! I'm not good at it. I guess the worst part is he doesn't even care. Then again, non of them do. It's almost like they are just waiting for me to do it.

I say I need to think about stuff. My choice has been made. Its the part of actually going through with it that's gonna be so hard. But all I know is, whether i am bitching too much or what I am saying is true, i'm not down with it and I want change and if you aren't going to give it to me then I am just gonna fall into the same trap of being controlled. And I promised myself I would never ever do that again.

Truth of the matter; you just don't care.
i am just a space i fill because she's not around.
and the day she comes back, you'll drop me.
LIKE THAT!
i know its true, cause when i stated it to you last night;
you didn't even respond.

you are never going to change.
and neither will i near you.