Your kiss gets to me, it always does. Every time i feel your arms on my waist I feel and understand every single reason for why things happened to me the way they did. We beat the odds and just happened. I have everything i've ever wanted it's funny how it was just you. Now I know what they mean when they say that the man you come to love the most will never compare to the men you loved in the past. You are my best friend, my better part of me, you have taught me how to put everything i've ever learned into good use. You aren't what completes me but you definitely are what compliments me. I know how real my love is for you. Not the teenage love affairs or selling myself short. I stand in love with you and you treat me the way a woman should be treated. I really couldn't ask for more. I have everything i have ever wanted.
It's a Friday night and it's our usual routine. We are sitting in our living room not even paying attention to the movie that we have rented for the 3rd time. I'm wearing your favorite ballers shirt and my over sized sweat pants that don't do anything for my figure but you always seem to say how gorgeous i look dress downed. My hair is everywhere, no make up on, flaws and all. You on the other hand are all dressed in your clean cut suit and slicked back hair. I hate when you look that good. it makes me melt and I never win. You pin me on the ground and kiss my neck as I go into a fit of laughter and i'm tickling my way on top of you. Yes, this is what we do. You begin to tease me on the fact that I can't take your pranks but you always put up with mine. I look into your eyes and bit your lower lips. I think this is the first of many arguments that I am going to win.
It's 2am and the phone rings. Knowing who it is I answer "Hi mom... you do know what time it is?" She goes on about how I must pack my bags and get myself to the airport. For some reason out of this world i'm being given the chance to go to Italy and from there straight to Brazil. In another life I wouldn't have thought it twice but I have my biggest reason laying right next to me. I let my mom go on about how great of an opportunity this is and that she can arrange everything for me to get a leave of absence out of college. I am not listening, I am looking at the man that I came to love so incredibly in a few years. I can not bare to leave his side. But I can not step on my dreams again. She is right: This opportunity is never going to happen to me again. I tell her i'll call her back. and I roll out of bed. I don't know why I don't think about it but I proceed to the hallways walk in closet and begin to pick out my clothe and that dress I bought on sale at Holt that i've been saving for a special occasion. Well, it didn't get more special than this. I'm thinking, debating, arguing with myself. "What am I doing?" I ask myself. I haven't even spoken to him, I haven't even made a decision and i'm packing my bags.
I'm sitting in my luggage bag with tears shedding down my face and falling onto the canvas that had touched his lips not even hours ago. He comes in looking puzzled, maybe even thinking i'm leaving him. But that can't be it, I live here. If anything i would of asked him to leave. He sits across from me and grabs my hands. I can't even look at him. His eyes say it all. He's telling me to go. I almost want him to stop me. I want him to tell me it's not okay. That I need to forget it and stop being a child. He gets up to answer the door. It's my mother.
She's pacing around like a mad woman. If I didn't know any better I could almost promise this is the way she will be the day I get married. At this rate, that doesn't even look too hopeful. She's telling me to hurry up, she's telling him it's only for a few months. That he needs to understand and that I need to stop being so depressed about this. I was getting a 'gift'. But I didn't see it that way. He was the greatest gift life gave me and I was tossing it away for another love. I preached my whole life to love the one you're with and here I was walking away from the happiest place i have ever been in my life. and he was letting me. My mother begins calling friends she has in Rome and telling them that I should be expected to be there by late this evening and already begins planning my extra curricular activities. The man of my dreams, the one I was suppose to spend in endless summer with who was going to help me build that cottage I always wanted was now becoming part of my past. What would happen in a few months? Would he wait? Would I change? Would he have loved another? What if I didn't go? Would I regret it my whole life? Would I hate him always for not allowing me to embrace my greatest passion? I was caught between two worlds.
I stood at the door entrance looking straight at him with tears falling down my face with absolutely no expression on my face. I was losing him before my eyes and he was stepping onto a new territory. A new life that didn't involve me. He just smiled and told me to hurry. To make it quick. That he was happy for me. I was lucky. This to me was far from lucky.
it's 6am and i am at the airport. My family is there to say goodbye and everyone is already asking me to bring them something back.
You look at me. Straight into my eyes and kiss my neck so gently while your arms feel like they are going to mold me into your physical self. I whisper into your ear and for the first time ever I let myself be so vulnerable and I tell you the most important thing to ever have crossed me: Thank you for loving me.
& like that you let me go kiss my forehead with eyes closed and I can feel your tears falling down my lids and you storm away. And I am left there with your memory, your lingering pain and your aroma all splattered on the surface that you taught me to love.
i'm going to regret this for the rest of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment