Losing my way.

I am torn between what I was and what I am now. I can't deny who I loved but I also can't be a liar to my desires today. I've run out of reasons to stay in the now but I have no use for the past as well. The amount of mental breakdowns and tearful nights in the dark have me in rage. I can no longer scream into pillows and wish death upon the memories. Finding grace is leaking through the spaces I can no longer fill. Im exhausted, I am scared, I am vulnerable. I just want to shut out all the noise that haunts me.